DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

You work away and opt out of parenting. It is not always possible to keep everything spotless and be a present parent. Presumably without your DH, you'd need to give up your job to look after your DC.

You don't drive or work
That's a lot on his shoulders

I really don't get why an adult with kids would neither drive nor work as I see both as essential

He clearly earns enough for nursery three times a week, a cleaner twice a week, and paying all the bills. I wouldn't be making comments about his productivity at work. You don't know what he does there.

Actually the thing that would annoy me most is the language skills. Foreign language opens so many doors for young adults and is such a brain training skill that I think he is very wrong not to give all 3 of the kids at home that opportunity. It is something he can easily do assuming he still uses the language himself and is something that would connect dd to her eldest siblings, as well as give them all a leg up at secondary school.

Clearly he thinks he is old and a finance provider... although his secret santa give would perhaps suggest his employer might have concerning views...

The OP also does less than most people and she is in her 30s! She doesn't work, doesn't drive, her daughter is in three full days of childcare and the household has two days per week of cleaners.

Despite what it probably sounds like, this isn't criticism of the OP! But people are acting like he is swanning around and leaving all the drudge work to her when that's not the case at all.

Unlike a PP, I don't think her DH is resentful. I do think he doesn't particularly enjoy parenting toddlers, and figures he has enough money to buy his way out of the situation. The fact that he is good with her older children should give OP some hope that things will improve. In the meantime, I like a PP's suggestion of asking him what activity he would like to take on with her. I would be pulling him up when he complains about his back though, given he can manage golf.

So just to get this straight, you don't want to be a sahm, you just don't want to work. Which is fine, but please owe it because you are giving sahms a bad rep. The ones I knew were all about spending time with their children, putting their careers on hold. So he probably thinks you ought to do the childcare since he's working ft and DD is in nursery 3 days a week. He probably never wanted to become a dad again but reluctantly gave in, is feeling resentful towards you, and unfortunately towards DD by proxy. This is sad for your DD. Insist on him teaching her his language and spending time with her. He will have to see DD as a separate unit from you to build a bond with her.

He's probably coasting now that his plans of early retirement are shot. Can't say I blame him.

Obviously, if he didn't want a child he should have prevented it.
Why on earth did he not have a vasectomy? Or at least wear condoms?
That is on him.

Bloody hell, does he even like your daughter? I'd be telling him to sort out his attitude or fuck off. Your poor daughter is going to grow up feeling like her dad hates her. Don't let it happen

Is anyone else confused about why all the OP's replies have been deleted? I read the first couple of replies and there was nothing offensive in there.

He sounds awful. Comparing his toddler daughter's looks to his older daughter's, saying that she isn't as pretty is an absolutely horrible thing to do.

You say you don't want to leave but it may be the only way to protect your daughter. Could you go back to work? That would definitely give you more options if you could afford to support you and your daughter.

He’s a failure. Revolting.

biscuitsandbooks he's not going to need to be a full time parent after work or weekends. My DCs Granny took the kids in her late 60s for half term and weekends. It's possible to do more at 52 than OPs husband is.

The comments he made were horrible so it's good you went mad about that but in all honesty not every many men would be glad to be a dad of a 3 year old at 52. For him it is not the best decision.
Private school would be a 14
year financial commitment if she went from age 4 - 18 so he may well have retired before she finished school meaning she would have to leave before she finished. Would he be able to afford private school if retired? Not everyone can work until 66 as health often doesn't allow it. It sounds like he is doing a lot of work for the family.

1. Only earner for a family of 5 where 2 of the children aren't his. That is huge.
2. The only driver. Again tiring and a big responsibility. He is running around your children. That's not actually his responsibility to do that but nice that he does.
3. He won't have the same amount of energy with your child now as he did with his first two as he is decades older.
4. Maybe he feels resentment at being in this position as it's unlikely he would have chosen it. Yes he should have taken responsibility and had the snip earlier.

I don't disagree and have said as much, but at 52 he's doing 12 hour days, supporting a family of five as well as potentially two adult children and also has a three year old at home.

You can't compare that to a grandparent.

Why have all the OP's replies been deleted but the thread is still up? Never seen that before.

The same thing is happening on another thread right now. Maybe both threads are about to poof...

Odd.

I dont think anyone should post anymore.

The OP doesn't work. What thread are you reading?

Sorry, that was in reply to a PP that I meant to quote.

He sounds like a bit of a dick and you're going to end up exhausted, your daughter is going to sense she's unwanted by her dad.

I'd start by booking myself a night away one weekend so he has to step up and spend the day, do bathtime and bedtime. See how that goes.

I don't know if you were able to see her subsequent posts but I don't think she'll be particularly exhausted. She doesn't work, the toddler is at nursery 3 full days a week, they have a cleaner who comes 2 days a week. She has more free time than the vast majority of parents do.

She'd have to get back to work if he fucked off. Doesn't seem interested in that.

Also confused why all OP’s follow up posts have been deleted for “breaking talk guidelines” when the ones I read seemed fine.

It’s not perfect but think when these accidental unplanned pregnancy happen

at 49 it’ll been the last thing he wanted but makes the best of the situation