DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

Oh, I definitely do and I do think that OPs partner could have done more too but I don't know if that changes how he feels. Yes, the child is here now and he should just get stuck in but I think he's feeling too resentful for that.

Of course a discussion on finance is part of it but your attitude seems to be that OP doesn’t merit a conversation because she’s a SAHM which is pretty sad.

It’s interesting that instead of criticising this man for not spending time with his dd (even on weekends where he chooses to play golf), you instead choose to criticise any expectations being made of him.

The other kids may choose or choose not to learn French. As they’ll be entering secondary school, having French soon in the house would be an advantage.

I had one parent speak their mother tongue with me and one who didn’t, I learned the language just fine. Young children pick up languages well.

It's called being a parent or step parent. I look after two autistic children 24/7 I'm knackered. Can I just opt out of parenting too? Or do I need to suck it up and carry on?
OP he sounds horrible. He does nothing with your DD. So what if his backs bad and she settles for you? Tell him to stop being pathetic and be a dad
At the moment you're a single parent anyway so would it really make a difference if you left him?

I think if anything, your other two children are more likely to resent that their younger sister is being treated differently to them when it comes to school. The older kids don’t matter as much. It’s your kids who are on the scene now and matter.

He does less than my dad does as a grandad in his 60s!

He can't even manage 1 bath and bedtime a week. He can't play on the floor ever?

I'd be sending him to the Dr if he's so decrepit at 52. He's old sure but not elderly. What a waste, I'd be asking for a big change or be out the door.

Sounds like he wasn’t really wanting to become a dad again. But he should step up since she’s here.

Sounds like he also learnt lessons with his older children with how much the money adds up with all these things with expensive sports and private school and now his edging closer to retirement he doesn’t want to be promising all this money to sports and schooling.

His comment about prettiness I dare say is more a reflection on how he feels about you than your dd. That he and his ex made lovely babies while you and him made a “less” pretty child, so damn well you should have blown up on him on that.

As per you can either argue over it hoping he will change, put up with it, leave him.

It is 91% effective in typical use and 99% if taken perfectly.

I think your children may be resentful if their sibling went to private school. Say you went back to work and used your money to pay for private school, do you think that would make them feel upset?

Sounds like he’s not really interested in having another child. Do you want your child to feel like this growing up? If I were you I would be looking to leave.

@HollyKnight

That's exactly how learning a language works. My DP is bilingual, he speaks to the children in his 2nd language about 3 breakfasts and 1 bedtime a week. They are 2 and 5 and understand and speak it quite well for their ages. You really don't have to do much when they're small as they're so open to learning language.

Because some women are allowed to opt out of earning.

I'm surprised his body is so aged at 52 too. My Grandma struggled in her 60s but had lots of hip and knee operations. My parents manage to get on the floor and play with DCs. Is he too decrepit for sex? Maybe suggest he sees a doctor and in thr mean time stay clear as you don't want to damage his body any further.

He's clearly a rubbish parent and this is maybe the reason he isn't with his eldest mother. But I don't think you can force him to be a good parent.

I think you’re probably right. DS is our only child and we were together for nearly 20 years before he was born so that is very different to someone embarking on it all for a second time.

Sounds like he cba and carries on doing the things he wants with no thought to anyone else. Op enjoys a good lifestyle for her family but 0 emotional input from dh, sounds like a very transactional relationship. DD will be aware of this as she gets older.

Im in a same sex relationship, I am 50 and partner has had a baby (it took several years). Due to the sector I’m in, I have a long commute so long hours on commute days. But I wfh 2 days, when I get home tasks are shared, so someone is doing baby, someone doing tea and tidying. I do the housework at the weekends. Ive lots of friends but Im foregoing drinks etc as we are up at night with the baby. The only thing I’ve said a flat no to is night feeds on nights before work days as I need to commute and be up in general.

It’s a mindset and what you choose to prioritise. I suspect his wife did the small child grunt work first time too.

Not sure how you work round it, but I’d go back to work as well. He’s not reliable and opts out at your detriment.

I think you are unreasonable about the schooling.

Unless you send all 3, you cannot just send the youngest. You're so caught up in the comparison of the older 2, that you can't see what a bad idea that one is. Move on from that and focus on the other issues.

Also, you've no idea what he was like when his children were smaller. He may have been hands off them too until they got older, like he is with your older ones. The wife likely picked up everything too. Remember, they split for a reason.

You are living in a guilded cage. Everything comes at a cost. You've married a wealthy man, you are a SAHM. No chores to split, as you have help. He may see your 'job' is to parent as he's at work all day.

@SouthLondonMum22 OP does opt out of parenting. She’s an SAHM but she’s her daughter in nursery 3 days a week, 8 am to 4 pm. So the OP has lots of time to herself during the day. That doesn’t change the fact that her husband is proving to be a very poor and unloving father and that is very worrying.

Unfortunately this is what happens when women are blinded by £££. It might seem like a nice life to have plenty of money and be a SAHM along with childcare, but what you’ve traded for that is a much older husband who has little to no interest in his new child.

I think at 49 with 2 adult children it would have been abundantly clear to me that he wouldn’t be wanting to start again, but the cynic in me suspects OP probably saw the new baby as a way to secure the non-working lifestyle as presumably he wasn’t funding her being a SAHM to kids that weren’t his.

The 8-4pm 3 days a week is odd. I agree.

Surely not necessary?

Anyway, a man like ths will be off havng affairs soon. He feels entitled.

To be blunt, he got himself a nice younger model 14yrs his junior, is done parenting, accepted you wanted another or it was an ‘oops’ pregnancy. The shine of the younger wife is now off and he’d rather be at work or out with his similar shit dad or bachelor mates.

I said at the very start he should be doing more parenting. I didn't think I needed to keep repeating that every time someone else responded to me. What I don't agree with is that the youngest child should be treated like his eldest were when she is part of a completely different household. The current cirumstances is what matters. And I don't think it is realistic to expect him to work past retirement age just to put his youngest through private education and university. Imo they should be saving money now to put her through university so the man can actually retire one day. If the OP wants more than that then she needs to pick up some financial slack.

Again with the language thing, did you start hearing the second language from the start? Because that's different from having someone suddenly starting talking at you when you're already a 3yo English-speaker. I had that with my own father. He started when I was a bit older too, I'm not sure exactly, 3 or 4, but my brain was very much "English" by that point so I always had to internally translate it. I only remember how to count now because no one else speaks it.

Did he only start when they were 3-years-old though?

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