DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

I think there can be double standards here - men earning and tired opt out of parenting - well he pays for everything doesn't he? Women would be more judged for doing that.

As a single (divorced) parent who worked full time had a cleaner, nursery pre-school and au pair or nanny over the school years I still rushed home for bath and bedtime, (and as they got older to make dinner) and played and had full on active fun with them every weekend. Because it was important to me to be close to my children and enjoy them. They grow up so quickly.

Absolutely. Whenever a woman posts about working full time here, they get told that they will never get the time back, how no one wishes they worked more on their death bed and to stop being so selfish and materialistic.

When it's a man, he's working hard and maybe he'll have a relationship with his daughter when she's older and more fun. That would never fly with a woman, she'd be a terrible parent who prioritises work over her own child.

Indeed. I don't know a single working mother who has opted out of parenting. Most I know are madly scrambling to fit as much parenting around work as they can.

She "raises his child" two days a week...which is much less than the hours he spends supporting her and her kids...

Does the child magically raise herself at the weekends? Or after 4pm?

Let's not pretend that being at home with a child full-time is remotely the same as being there in the evenings and weekends.

Regardless of what the OP does or doesn't do, this is a father who spends precious little if any time "raising his child".

It doesn't matter if he works or the division of responsibilities in their house - working does not give a free pass to opt out of parenthood even if you think the other parent has a sweet deal.

But OP is there far more than the evenings and weekends.

It's very unusual for a 3 year old to not go to nursery.

This too.

Though I'm not surprised that OP is getting judged over daring to have some time to herself yet her DH is far too important and special to parent his child even just for 1 bath time.

I'm not saying otherwise.

But let's not pretend OP is a SAHM in the trenches with multiple small children and no respite or support. She has three days a week with no children at home, and a husband who pays for a cleaner and who financially supports her other children on top.

I've also said (multiple times) that her DH should be doing more, but I don't think it's as straightforward as saying he's a shit, good-for-nothing dad. He does a lot.

I think many posters are judging both.

This

Sounds like he feels he has done his parenting with his 1st two

He is a shit father. He has no relationship with his daughter, how can he be anything else?

He works full time as many parents do. Many parents also come home and spend quality time with their children after work. It's basic stuff really.

You're putting your own spin on what I said.

I didn't say he wasn't a shit father. I said it's not as straightforward as saying that because he clearly does a lot of things for his family, including providing financial support for two children that aren't his, and allowing OP to stay home full-time even though their youngest is in nursery (that he's also paying for).

He may well not be emotionally present but it's too simplistic to say he does nothing and is totally useless. OP couldn't stay home and have three days to herself each week without him. She'd have to work full-time to pay for all three of her kids.

I wouldn't class that as a lot really. He agreed to the setup, it doesn't mean he gets to opt out of parenting, it just doesn't.

He does the bare minimum and works as much as he can to avoid his own child.

Love MN. Last year there was a truly batshit post on here, a sahm was complaining her NHS consultant husband, working away 5 days a week and coming home only on week-ends, only lets her have one full day off to herself - Saturday, because he has to do admin on Sunday. Other cfers on here were suggesting he should do his admin every day when he clocks off, in hospital accommodation, so he could be clear all admin before he travels home on Friday night, to be a 'parent' both Sunday and Saturday.

All parents should spend time with and be involved with the care of their children. Doesn't matter if they work 100 hours a week, 30 hours a week or zero hours.

Looking after children is not just a boring household task to be allocated so it makes sense for it to be the sole responsibility of the less busy parent. It's something both parents need to make time for.

Exactly. Can't understand how any paren thinks they can just check out of parenting because they work.

Yes but they should be sharing the load, working also.

Being a parent is not the load, those are household duties. Being an active parent is more than just household duties, it's reading stories to share a connection and a bond. It's going to the playground together to share experiences together, it's doing arts and crafts and playing games. That is not sharing the load it is parenting. And working parents manage this just fine too.
Op has not complained that her husband doesn't empty the dishwasher. He doesn't bother with his child. There is a difference.

I think the writing was written on the wall in 20 foot high letters from the start. There is no way he would have wanted a baby at his stage in life. You would have understood that easily right?
On the other hand you have gained a luxurious lifestyle, no need to have a job, cleaners, 3 days to yourself a week. You're rolling in clover and it was your choice to take the course you have. Only problem is your daughter is paying the price for adults' selfishness. Whether it was carefully planned by you or an accident - only you know.

^ This!

The man had a child at 49 - he probably would have rather not!

He probably doesn't want to pay for private education when he's paying for everything else! Why do you expect him to be financially responsible for your two children while you don't work to keep them?

Yes of course he should want to spend time with his child, and she is the one who will be left dealing with the consequences for the rest of her life. There must be something he can do with her like reading, that aren't physically challenging? Nothing to stop him speaking to her in French either.

Maybe you need to get out there and get a job, as he might just tire one day of bringing home the bacon on his own.

It was her DH's choice too. Condoms and vasectomies exist.

Unless contraception failed or OP told him she was using some?

OP has said that her contraception failed. If you don't want a child that bad though, you can also take some of the responsibility yourself.