DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

I felt too old at 52 to be playing with babies too. I was absolutely floored by how much difference the decade between 40 and 50 felt in terms of energy and ability to do things without pain.

I’m not sure that’s much of an excuse, though, since he had the baby. If he’d not been up for any more children he should have got the snip or refrained from PIV sex. Once the baby’s here, he should just be getting on with it even if he doesn’t like it.

It does sound as if he really does not want to be a dad again. He doesn’t want to put the effort in or spend the money. He may improve as DD gets older and being involved isn’t as physical, but he may not. I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it if you aren’t prepared to leave. It sounds like that’s the only power you have outside of persuasion, which isn’t working. You might try telling him if he isn’t going to be involved you need more help around the house so you aren’t so exhausted, but if you are relying on his money and he has control of the purse strings, again, you don’t have a lot of power here other than persuasion.

Surely anyone on antibiotics or who has a stomach bug knows to use another form of contraception.

Does it really matter? OP's DD is 3. She's here and not going anywhere.

If you were taking the pill correctly it wouldn’t have failed twice.

Sounds very similar to exDP. He was also much older than me and behaved like he was the king of the castle rather than my equal.

If he ever had to look after the DCs, he would sit on the sofa and turn on children's TV. If he had to give them a meal, he would go to a restaurant. Anything remotely involving work was my job:

@Berlinlover

What is it that you think you're adding to the thread by asking OP about her contraception and then continuing to post about that, when are children are very much now in existence?

I'm curious as to what your motivation could be for focusing on that. Very odd.

I totally agree
But she doesn't want to leave him ,so I was just trying to point out some positives

I believe the OP got pregnant on purpose that’s why I’m calling bullshit on the pill failing story. Maybe her husband isn’t involved because this was a child he didn’t want in the first place.

Then what happened with the IUD? Was I not taking that correctly either?

I was taking it correctly and it did fail twice. It doesn't work as well for everyone.

Regardless of the pill other posters are correct in saying DD is very much here. If you don't want to leave the relationship OP I think you need to have a serious conversation with him around what happens when you do return to work? Will there be extra money provided towards additional wrap around care? And possibly a cleaner?

Or is it still going to all fall to you? These are the things I'd want to know as he's clearly no interest in inputting his physical energy. Will that decent money of his come into play to help out then?

No contraception is 100%. If her DH was so determined not to have another child then he could've put something on the end of it.

I believe it's yet another man who can't be arsed parenting his own child.

Well if she did, it was the failure of the husband to take responsibility for conception!!

Well I am calling BS on your post! Plenty of women suffer a contraception failure! I didn't ever but I don't throw shade on those who do!!!

Supporting you in continuing with your pregnancy isn't the same as wanting to have another baby. You need to stop comparing his adult children to a 3-year-old. He has known his adult children for literally decades so obviously their relationship is going to be different. I'm sure he was enjoying having the child rearing days behind him, but now he has been dragged back into arguably the most tedious years of it. So I don't blame him for feeling less than enthusiastic. He needs to be doing more parenting for sure, but I don't know why you are surprised that he's not eagar to go through all this again in his 50s.

What were his working hours before you had your baby? If they were the same, did he say he was going to change when you said you were pregnant? Did he agree to be home more, give golf a miss once in a while?

It was 30 odd years ago when he taught his older kids french as children and they had french gp's who are no longer around. Maybe he's out of practice.

Not sticking up for him here, he sounds rather absent when it comes to your daughter, but did you not discuss these things earlier?

I definitely agree with him over the private school stuff. DD won't have a clue her 20 odd year old half siblings she hardly sees, went to private school, but your children will certainly know that you sent their younger siblings to private school, but not them.

You know he treats your daughter rather shabbily although he does provide for the family.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

If I was you, I'd be making plans to go back to work and leave. It doesn't sound like he's around much and doesn't add anything to your life - apart from his money of course.

It’s only Rifabutin and Rifampicin and severe diarrhoea over 48 hours.

You have literally no evidence to support that.

If he wasn't using condoms, he dragged himself back into it.

And? That doesn't mean he is going to be happy about it.

Well you either live like that with him, or leave.
I don’t see a relationship like that lasting, so you need to worry about DH having a relationship with DD, you need to worry about going back to work.

Wow, he sounds like a real prize. Completely checked out of parenting which is unfair on DD3 and very sad. I know we do a lot of things for our kids that are boring and time-consuming but it's crap he can't see the benefit and joy that would come with having her bilingual (for example). I'd find that disconcerting, that to him everything seems not worth the bother. Where's the love, really?

Anyway just wanted to validate your feelings on this. I can see a mean-spirited brigade coming out to tell you this is your fault for selfishly expecting him to take an interest in a child he created. Don't take that to heart. However, shit as it is you are unlikely to change his attitude or feelings. So the question has to be what do you do next?

The evidence is that the pill is 99.7% effective when used correctly. So there is less than one in 111,000 chance of it happening twice.

That's not evidence that the OP got pregnant on purpose, no. 🤨

And? He's a grown man. If he couldn't be bothered to use a condom, he needs to suck it up and parent his child.

I already said that...