DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

I can't see that in the OP - presume it was in one of the deleted posts?

Most people in practice don't double up on contraception.

Just skimread the OP again and surprised to find I have a little bit of sympathy for the DH? OP doesn't work and doesn't drive so every responsibility out of the house falls to him. He probably genuinely doesn't have the level of energy to deal with a small child (though if he can play golf all Saturday, he clearly has enough to summon up for that!)

If the OP wants her DD to do activities, then maybe she should consider getting a job to pay for them, and getting a licence to drive her to and from them!

I did when I absolutely didn't want to have a baby. At his age, a vasectomy would've also made a lot of sense if he didn't want more children.

I don't feel sorry for him at all. He had options but I imagine he just had sex with little thought of taking any responsibility for contraception himself.

If he can manage socialising after work, long days out playing golf etc he can absolutely manage to bath his daughter and/or read her a bedtime story. He isn't the only working parent in the world with a full on career.

If OP got a job, I imagine she'd still be doing absolutely everything for his daughter because he isn't interested. Now that's someone I feel sorry for, poor little girl.

I think that we can all agree about the little girl.

I did too, but I think women are probably more inclined to because we're the ones getting pregnant!

Absolutely this man should be a dad to his child. He clearly doesn't want to and that's really sad.

I do think if she wants to provide things for her child, then she needs to pull the finger out and do something about that if he won't.

Bravo! To the point. Nailed it.

Is there any possibility that he thinks the two middle children will help out with their baby sister. Mini baby sitters, helping mum, alleviating his responsibility to parent the toddler.

Hmmm. OP, can I ask if there is a specific reason why you don't drive?
With 9 and 10 year-olds, a lot of the weekend will inevitably be spent like a taxi service - drop offs and pick ups from birthday parties, sports, clubs etc.
What would you do if you didn't have him doing this? Stay in? Get the bus or Ubers with the 3 year-old in tow?
Why don't you learn to drive - then, in a few months you could leave him home with the 3 year-old at weekends while you do the ferrying around with the older two?
I think this is partly an issue if him avoiding the baby / toddler stage, but also, if you don't drive, well, you are going to be the one left at home 'holding the baby' at weekends because who else is going to drive the older ones if not him?

Having said this, it would be nice if he gave her a bath every once in a while. But is he dealing with your older kids in the evenings?

Yes, I said adults plural.

Absolutely everything except keeping at least five people housed and fed and all of the driving.

People keep their children housed, fed, drive and also manage to bother to have a relationship with them too. Not sure why this DH is apparently too important for that.

Not sure why you're changing the topic now. Oh wait, yes I am - because it's untenable to pretend the OP does "absolutely everything."

She does with her child. Even if she did work and drive on top of that, I'm not sure anything would change. Except DH would likely complain that he wouldn't be able to work extra hours to avoid his own child.

No, she doesn't. She doesn't drive the child anywhere or provide anything financially.

She does everything else. Including having an actual relationship with her child.

Great, finally you've corrected your silly statement.

It was very obvious what I meant as my response was to a pp talking about parenting. Not driving or the almighty big job that makes someone far too important to have a relationship with their child.

It's pretty shitty to choose to bring a child into this world (sorry but there are effective contraception options) and not even bother to try and have a relationship with them.

It's also unwise to rely on a man to provide financially on his own for your three children, especially when two of them are in school and not his.