DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

Most people who "work long hours" aren't actually working all that time. It sounds suspiciously like he's sitting around twiddling his thumbs at work so he can avoid looking after his daughter who he obviously dislikes.

I suspect he was the same with the older ones when they were little and only became such a loving father later on.

This he puts in the effort for the things he enjoys doing and won't do the same for you.

And also not speaking French to the new kid is shocking.

Yes, it does. My dh is a sahd after an operation. I earn. I travel for work too, long-distance, often staying away. I don't lift a finger in the house. When I get back, I expect everything to be spotless and organised. I bust my guts providing, I don't want to kill myself on two fronts, sorry. I am also sorry to say I am often resentful and show it too, that is why my dh never says 'he is tired or wants me to be more involved'.

It sounds like he enjoyed parenting originally and it was a happy time for him. Referencing the prettiness comparison feels like him overtly saying his first wife was very attractive in his opinion.
The older two step kids he’ll get involved with, for the sake of having a younger wife. But never really need to give 100% parenting when the kids aren’t biologically yours.
The final kid looks like a bridge too far, something he supported by ultimately didn’t want. But you did and pushed the decision through to conclusion.
So in his mind it’s on you to sort it, balanced with a mindset that he’s contributing to the whole set up by paying for a wife who doesn’t work plus two kids that aren’t even his to have a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and food on the table.

That’s just my take on it <shrug>

All of the judgement because op is a a sahm.

They both agreed op would be a sahm until year one. Being a sahm is a valid choice. When did feminism stop recognising women's choices and the role of women in the house hold. They both chose to put her in nursery, presumably for socialisation and so op can have some time for herself as her husband does no parenting.
Why does he get to opt out of being a father? Op isn't talking him about the practicalities of that, but the fact that he chooses not to have a relationship with his daughter. He may be providing but he is not being a good father.

I have a friend, I love her but she is a chancer and a gold-digger. Not her fault, she was raised like that by her mum. She found a much older rich foreign man, and her contraception quickly failed. She then starting insisting on her dd being treated the same as his own children, namely, setting up a trust fund and buying her a property in London. She pushed and pushed and pushed. Did not end well. But she is undeterred, she is now dating an even richer man!

She is a sahm for 2 days a week though, the other three days there are no kids at home to take care of, plus he pays for a cleaner to come in and clean two days a week. OP is more of a housewife than a sahm.

I know...wish she would shut up about that point.

But they both agreed to that. They both feel there is benefit to op being at home..that doesn't mean he gets to be a shit father who makes no effort with his child.
Op isn't complaining he isn't doing housework, it's the fact he has no relationship/ bond with his daughter as he spends no time with them.

I think the issue here is that you married a man in a totally different life stage for you, and then chose to have a baby with him.

I'm not for one minute saying it's okay for him to opt out, but you have a 14 year age gap and existing children who have absolutely nothing in common due to their age gap, and now you've both added another child with an even bigger gap again.

It sounds like the baby wasn't planned and he didn't feel like he had the right to tell you to have an abortion - but also that neither of you discussed or thought about the reality of bringing a new baby into this.

There's a big difference between being a step-parent to two older primary aged children and being a full-time parent to a toddler when your own children are already fully grown. I'd wager most people at that stage in life wouldn't want to go back to the baby and toddler years.

That said, you're there now and you can't change it, so he really ought to step up and be a parent - however that may mean you also need to step up and get a job or do something to take the pressure off a bit too.

Yes and interesting how the man is not being judged dor not getting a vasectomy. If he didn't want children she should have been using contraception too.

Yes, but you said:

Being a sahm is a valid choice. When did feminism stop recognising women's choices and the role of women in the house hold.

What role does she have? She doesn't bring any money in, she does minimal childcare and housework. He pays for everything, including for his step children, works 5 long days a week and is 14 years older than her. The relationship is so inequal that it's not hard to see why he would feel resentment towards her and with that comes fractured relationships. If they hadn't had a toddler they would probably both be working and earning and he wouldn't have had to keep working until into retirement age. I'm not saying it's right that he shows no interest in his youngest child but it's explainable.

We used to laugh at work about the older Dad with toddler twins who dawdled around at work early evening to avoid going home for bedtime and went to every after work drink going.

It is very sad OP because your DD is missing out on being Daddy's girl and having a fun relationship with him and he is missing out on the fun of being with her which would keep him young in mindset. No doubt she will tell him all about it when she's a teen or older. He is failing her and not being part of your family.

Whatever anyone says about being tired at 52 I will want to be an engaged and fun Granny when and if the time comes. It's attitude not age that makes the difference. And I was an old mum.

You think 3 is the cut off age for a child learning their parent’s mother tongue? That’s ridiculous.

Whatever anyone says about being tired at 52 I will want to be an engaged and fun Granny when and if the time comes.

You can't compare being a grandparent with being a full-time working parent to a toddler.

He was a reluctant older dad who didn't really want to start all over again. It's not fair for your DD, but you must have known he wasn't going to be dad of the year. For all you know, he was hands off with his older DC too.
He does stuff with your older DC, so he's obviously not totally useless.
Personally, I would work on evening up the balance a bit. Go back to work and learn to drive. Force his hand for your own sake as much as DDs.

Not sure what you expected having a child with someone that age....especially when his older children are adults. He's been there done it and picked up the bills along the way for more than 2 decades. I can't imagine having a 3 year old at 52 and neither can you OP since you are still in your 30s

I have posted what I think about the OP’s contraception “failing”. Try to keep up.

Sorry OP, but I agree with this. I’m all for dads being active/equal parents, but since you have three days of me time per week, I can see why your partner feels entitled to some time for golf and rest on evenings/ weekends. if it’s always been like this, I understand why he’s ended up without a strong bond with his child, although that’s sad to say. The not speaking French to her is particularly odd.

Have you considered going back to work when your child is in nursery?

That sounds terribly abusive. Your husband is a SAHD, not a slave. Do your colleagues manage to wipe their own backsides? What would happen if your DH left, would you fester away in your own filth?

No, this sounds 'labour division' - unfortunately neither of us have inherited wealth or inherited anything - so we have to get money from somewhere. So the division is - I bust my guts at work and you bust your guts at home, but sorry, not both.

People parent each of their children differently. He was a different man 20 years ago, when his eldest were babies.

parents learn to parent differently over time. Sometimes people over parent the eldest children, and learn over time, that the over parenting was exhausting and not v productive.

I think you need a hobby, where you can prioritise yourself.

why can’t you drive ? You need to be more independent, so you have more choices.