DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

biscuitsandbooks yes but he could do more with his DD right? Or are you saying it's impossible for him to do more at 52 particularly when it seems he doesn't need to be spending 12 hours at work and could also work from home?

So OP should just suck it up and her DD have no quality time with her father?

I've said plenty of times he should do more and that is age isn't an excuse.

I just don't think you can compare the energy levels of a 52 year old full time parent to three young children to a 52 year old grandparent, that's all.

I think of you were to talk to his ex-wife, he probably had the same parenting style when his adult children were 3 years old.

Private schooling is significantly more expensive now than 20 years ago and the country is full of people who wouldn’t spend that sort of money again if they had the choice now.

And I think he does sound pretty hands on, he takes his step kids to their clubs etc on the weekends and walks around museums with them etc. iIt just sounds as though he connects better with older kids than toddlers. That’s not that unusual.

I’m not really sure why OP is complaining so much. I think she has a pretty good life.

well he works long hours and you work none. Perhaps get a job and even things up a bit. It's not like you have a newborn.

Actually no. That maths only works for events that are random (dice, coins etc). If there is a medical reason why the pill fails for some women, then the chances of it failing a second time for those same women would be significantly higher than average.
Also the failure rates quoted for contraception are per 100 women per year. So the chances of it failing at some point go up, the more years you include in the period sampled.

Yep - and he's paying for two children who aren't his, on top of supporting a wife to have three days a week doing nothing because the toddler is in nursery and he also pays for a cleaner twice a week

Wow. Well it takes all sorts more but even if biology let me at 56 I doubt I could be arsed!

I often wonder with men like that why they never had any earlier.

Being a SAHM is still work.

@mumsnet what is with the multiple, busy threads being completely derailed by you deleting all of the OPs posts? Either delete the thread entirely or leave it at least semi-coherent. Seems the admins are on the rampage this morning!

Agree. Very strange. Just pull the thread if there's an issue.

@JHound but she's not really a SAHM is she? Her older kids are in school, her toddler is in nursery three days a week and her DH also pays for a cleaner.

She's mainly a housewife with two days looking after a three year old.

Well he should've kept it in his pants after 35 then shouldn't he. I don't blame you OP, I'd go mad too. Have you spelled it out to him that he is basically a stranger to his own daughter? Maybe add up the hours per week he actually spends with her. Give him a shock.

Not too tired to go for post work drinks every Thursday though eh? 🙄

Maybe he'll then add up the number of hours OP has to do whatever she fancies while he works to pay for her lifestyle and her two older children then.

And why shouldn't he? The OP has three days a week to do what she wants while the daughter is in nursery.

You can't honestly think he should just work and go home every day? He is the only one working and he works long hours at that plus financially supporting a family of 5 (2 of which aren't even his) and then spends his weekends driving OPs kids to various things. All the while OP has three full days to herself whilst her youngest is in nursery and he pays for their cleaner to come twice a week. He may not have a great relationship with their daughter but he definitely pulls his weight in other ways, way more than OP does.

What, the hours she is raising his child? You don't get to just totally check out of parenting because you work. Surely most parents WANT to read their kids a bedtime story?

When your child isn't with you 8hrs a day, 3x a week? Isn't that just called a "Stay at home" 😅

Literally this. I'm suspicious the WFH two days a week OP mentioned he's declining to do, would fall on the 2 days when OP has her child at home. Sounds more like it's OP who isn't that keen on spending time with DD vs DH.

She sounds disgusting 🤢

Yeah, with your kids in school and nursery. AFAWK these kids have no special needs, there is no reason why she can’t find a job. Sounds like she hooked an older rich man to have an easy life and it’s not working out as planned.

She has a break because she is doing absolutely everything. I don't blame her. Most 3 year olds are in nursery for some hours anyway.

He can work and bath his daughter and put her to bed. It really isn't difficult, working parents do it all of the time. Not every night but some nights, if he's too tired to do that then he's clearly too tired to manage work drinks and golf.

He works long hours by choice. Probably to avoid parenting his daughter.

True. But most of those are parents who both work so no choice. If you were subsidising your H being at home full time (and child in nursery 3 days per week plus a cleaner twice a week), you may want to just flop on the sofa for a bit after work. Indeed, I can imagine the response if you came on MN and said your DH wanted you to bath your DC after a long day work, when he'd not been doing that much.

It isn't just a bit though, is it? He does absolutely nothing to the point he has no relationship with his own daughter.

I can imagine what the responses would be if I came on saying that I don't like the baby/toddler stage so because I don't fancy doing it, I'm going to opt out until it's more fun when they are older because I work full time. I certainly wouldn't be met with ''oh, well you work hard''. I'd be told that I'd never get the time back and why did I bother having children at all. Funny that.