DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

Maybe he will regret it one day. It seems really sad to me that they are both missing out on the relationship. I don't think there is much you can do, but I wouldn't have any respect for someone who won't even spend time with his own child.

Your husband is the same age as my dad except my dad is a grandad. He loves playing with my toddler. I understand he has less energy than he did in his 20s, but he still plays with her. Your husband sounds like he's checked out of parenting and regrets starting over again when his older ones are in their 20s.

This. I think you need to find a weekend day where you can leave him alone to bond with dd.

He sounds like a dud. I get being an older parents is probably tiring (I have no kids and am far more knackered now that I was in my 20s/30s) but it’s weird he refuses to to offer the same support to his youngest child as he did his eldest.

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

Was your youngest DD and agreed plan? He is acting like a reluctant parent which is odd given he is fairly hands on with the oldest ones.

But he is treating her differently.

@limonandleme

Oh go away.

Mmm, I imagine he was happy with a younger girlfriend and enjoying reaping the rewards of his career. Next thing you're 'accidentally' pregnant.
He appears to have supported you and is now father to a toddler and stepfather to your own kids. You also stay at home, get your beauty treatments, have a cleaner twice a week, little one in nursery 3 days a week - all paid for by him.
Perhaps it would be better for you if you got a full-time job, learned to drive and gained financial independence from him. You might then understand why he is tired.

A first time parent at SIXTY?

Ye Gads!

@Iwiicit

You also stay at home, get your beauty treatments, have a cleaner twice a week, little one in nursery 3 days a week - all paid for by him.
Perhaps it would be better for you if you got a full-time job, learned to drive and gained financial independence from him. You might then understand why he is tired.

• But non of that will make her dh bond with their daughter which is what she wants?

Tbf we have no idea how hands on a parent he was with his elder children at that age. It's also true than the children born after a big age gap are often parented differently than their older siblings as parents are older and family circumstances have changed (This can work both ways, one friend of mind is far more engaged with his youngest son than he was with the elder two children as financially the family's in a far better place and he isnt rushing out the door to work all the time. In other families parents get to the last child and realise they can't face another round of play dates and toddler time).

I don’t think his hours or age are necessarily an excuse. My DH leave the house at 6am and is back 7/730pm. He also travels a lot. Has done for all of my kids life (now 16 and 19) and has always ‘engaged’ with them - cuddle or watching ‘in the night garden’ etc (or whatever it was when they were younger before bed.).

However your partner may be like mine in that he found them very difficult to ‘relate to’ before they were 5. He was the same with his godsons and didn’t really connect with them until they could hold a ball/play sports/talk in full sentences. He loved them, and his godsons, but they were alien beings to him at that age.

Not all people, not all men, find young children easy to interact with. My DH wasn’t really involved in the bath/bed routine of either of my kids, but I can see that a 52 year old man might find dealing with a 3yo DD to be outside his comfort zone. Why don’t you ask what he might like to do with her - take her to soft play/the park etc on a sat morning. Rather than impose on him what you think he should be doing, you could ask him what he might like to do with her? It’s great that he is cloe to his older kids… but you have no idea whether he was the same with them at this age - and he has had an additional 18-20 years to develop that relationship. And at a time when he ONLY had those two children, in his 30s.

As other PPs have said, He now has 3 DC, and 2 DSC that he is working to support, and at 52 is will in no way have the energy he had with his own DC were young. Yes, 52 is not 82, BUT my husband is 55 and he finds the long hours and the level of stress at his stage of his career (plus the knowledge he is less secure/more vulnerable to redundancy) really physically and mentally draining. And, realistically, his health is definitely NOT as good. People age significantly between 45 and 55 (my DH is very fit and healthy, but has begun to get later life health issue, take statins etc).

I’d say he is spreading himself very thinly and needs your help and support in building a relationship with your joint child rather than criticism? Tbh I think you may not have been realistic about having a child with a 50yo old man in a blended family scenario. I think also, as other PPs have said, in his head he was done with kids. It’s his own fault for starting a new family at his age, but I would bet it wasn’t what he wanted.

Not too tired to go out drinking every week though. Or spend a full day each week playing golf.

I agree that OP should be more independent but come on. He's not working in the mines to give his family 3 meals a day and a roof over their head. He has a very charmed life with plenty of money and free time. He just chooses not to spend it with his child.

I get the sense that he feels he’s done family now and wants to live effectively as a single man but with a home that’s been kept by someone else to come back to. I wouldn’t stay with him.

He sees your youngest as your child, not his. She is treated as your child, not his: with regards to private education and extra-curriculars, also language acquisition. He is just not that interested in her, like he might be with a stepchild. I expect this may well change somewhat as she grows older and more independent. But maybe not.

The laziness and lack of interest in dd is a hugely common complaint on here - the solution is almost always: you can't change him, so live with it or leave.

You have lots of support and plenty of free time. I assume the current living situation is good for your older dc. And for you. So I can understand taking the 'live with it' option.

Become financially independent asap. Your situation is tenuous and entirely dependent on a man who has checked out of family life.

Maybe you can live with it, but he doesn't want to.

She says it was unplanned and he supported her decision to continue the pregnancy which is a little different.

I don't think the bonding is something you can force. I also think, culturally, many French men of older generations have a much more traditional/old fashioned view that he's earning the money, so she's doing the childcare.

It's completely normal and 'best' biologically (as in less risks to baby and mum) to have children in your 20s. That means 'normal' first grandparent age is late 40s-50s. Your friends are grandparent age.

I suspect your husband didn't do much parenting with his own children. Usually in French/Italian families it would be the Mother who would take on parenting of the children, whilst the husband worked. I suspect he's doing with your daughter, what he did with his older children - left it all to their Mum. I doubt he played with his older children, and most likely worked, played golf etc whilst with his ex, leaving her to it. He's just carrying on doing what he wants because he doesn't see any reason why he shouldn't! May be it was the same set up, when he was a child, and to him it's normal! I do agree with your husband regarding your daughter's education though, by keeping her in State education, thus aligning her the same as your other 2 children. Forget about his older children, and their childhood - they don't live with you, they're adults and what your husband and his ex did for them is irrelevant to your family now. If your daughter suddenly went to a private school, had money thrown at her, how do you think your other 2 children would feel? Pushed out and resentful, because you and your ex wouldn't be able to afford to do the same. Your daughter will know no different, she's not going to resent something she has no idea about.

Well at 56, so by the time he had a 4yo he was 60.

So is the OP though. She wants one of her children to be privately educated and to be treated differently to her other children. She doesn't want to treat her youngest the same way as her other children.

There is nearly 20 years between when his first childred were born and this latest one so of course things are going to be different. He isn't the same person, isn't with the same woman, and isn't living the same life he had 20 years ago.The OP's other children are still young. She doesn't have the same experience as him of the different stages of raising children. He is in a better position to know what is worth spending money and time on and what isn't. Teaching them French for example. He only did that for his parents' sake. His parents are gone now. Do people really think he should come home after a long day at work and teach French to a toddler? The OP could do that. She has plenty of free time to learn a language and teach it to her child. But just the one child. That's the only one that matters for some reason.

Erm, as a sexual health nurse, the answer is quite often and easily. No type of contraception is 100%….

Sounds like resentment has kicked in. He was most likely very done with being a dad to young children and was looking forward to having some years without obligations of parenting and now he will be doing it from when he was 20 years old until he's retired. He might also resent OP because he is working long hours to pay for everyone and doing all the driving to activities for her kids on the weekends whilst she has 3 full days to herself when all the kids are in nursery/school.

The relationship is so unbalanced that it's bound to cause issues, especially since you are a blended family with a big age gaps for both the parents and the children.

I think you might do well going to couples counceliing because it doesn't sound like he's very forthcoming when it comes to talk about his feelings and would rather blame it on physical/practical issues when the real issue is most likely mental/emotional.

By the time dd starts secondary school, her siblings will be 17/18 and likely won’t be bothered if she’s at private school.

He doesn’t need to teach her French, he could just speak to her in French, his mother tongue.