DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

If he hardly sees her he can't just talk French to her. She's 3, she wont understand. 10 minutes of French a day aren't going to make her bilingual.

Sorry to pick up on this one point but why are you giving your child a bath every night? This is a complete waste and unnecessary.
Could you ask him to bring your daughter for a walk every night after dinner instead during this time?

The rest of it, maybe he is not aware how detached he is being with your daughter. Tell him and give him a chance to change. If he doesn’t then you know where you stand.

Good luck

She'll be starting school in a year or two. I think her other children will notice their little sister going off to private school while they attend the local comp/grammar.

How does speaking to her in French work in a house where none of the other children speak French? Does he say something to her in French then repeat himself in English for the other two? Anyway, speaking it a couple of times a day won't do anything. That's not how learning a language works. He would need to teach her or else it is just noise.

I leave for work at 5.15am and get home at 6.30pm.

as soon as I get home I take over childcare. I do Bath/pjs/teeth brushing/bed, as my partner has done the nursery run/tea etc. plus I actually want to spend time with my child after not seeing them all day.

to make up for the time I don’t get to see DC on weekday mornings/early evenings I also do all weekend get ups.

there is literally no excuse for your husbands behaviour.

When I first started reading your post I thought he was here from the 1950's!

I think he should make more effort with bath and bedtime, ask him to come home early one day a week and spend time with her....he gets to go out one night, so you get him home early one night.

I will say though at 48 I had tons of energy, I was working shifts after my day job in something very demanding, I was fit and energetic and enthusiastic. Sprinting after DGC. By 52 I didn't know what had hit me, I had stiff hips, no energy and it's an effort to drag myself out anywhere in the evening. Let alone deal with the energy a small child has and the constant mental attention they need.... So I have some sympathy in that respect because being over 50 was like a switch had flipped.

The point is there a conversation to be had on private school (e.g. wait for secondary rather than primary, discuss impact on household etc), but he’s not interested because he has little interest in his dd.

I come from a multilingual household, you don’t need a parent to teach you the language, speaking to you in the language every day in their mother tongue is enough.

It is clear from the OP that this man was done having children when you got together and this dd was the idea of the OP to seal the relationship so to say, and the husband just went along, but like when you buy a pet for your children and say 'right, I am going to buy it, but I want nothing to do with it - you walk it, you look after it, nothing to do with me'. So this dd is her mum's project and is being treated as such by the husband, that is clear.

You can make somebody to have a child by all sorts of ways, but you can't make them love this child to the same degree they loved the children they really wanted.

It is also clear he does not want to part with money when it comes to your dd - and this is a bad sign. He also does not want to speak his language to her, and this is a truly awful sign, considering he did it to his own children.

What benefit do you get from him, showing you so little respect and openly, unashamedly discriminating your dd compared to his children? Financial benefit? You are not getting it. I don't understand why you are in this relationship, why you are torturing yourself.

If he doesn’t even spend time with his small child on weekends and therefore hardly sees her then he’s a shit dad and OP has bigger problems than her dd learning French.

This

This.
FFS. all those posters excusing this piss poor behaviour.

this man does NOTHING with his child. He is not interested whatsoever in her. He is actively choosing not to have a relationship with her. This isn’t going to miraculously change when she’s ten and the damage to her self esteem living with a parent who doesn’t give a shit will be massive.

He had this DD at 49. Christ, Dsister just had a baby at 46.

Get a grip with the "old man" crap.

He is only 52 now!

OP he sounds shit. You will divorce when you are ready. In a few years. I hope you got married in the UK.

I had very, very similar situaton with a Spanish pillock.

💯

A few thoughts.

I think culturally he may struggle a bit with the early meal times as I think many French / Italian children are up later. I can imagine he doesn't want to do bath and bed as soon as he's walked in the door. Perhaps as she gets older he can spend more time in the evening together with his DD.

He sounds great with your older DC, who aren't even his children, so it's very possible that he will improve the older she gets. My Dad was very hands off when I was 3. My mum said she nearly next him. 60 years of marriage now, and they have a close marriage in quite jealous of, plus I'm close to my Dad. He got better as I grew up. Perhaps his ex wife was just like you in terms of doing the parenting, and it's only when his kids got older that the relationship developed more.

I think you have a great lifestyle so I'm not surprised you don't want that to end. But you do need to let some things slide as a result. You can't have it all!! I would talk to your DH about his relationship with his DD and suggest a few 'easy wins' for him eg. Taking her swimming, bedtime at weekends. Private school, I wouldn't keep going on about it. She's 3! And it sounds a bit grabby. Maybe if she goes to school and there's issues later on, things not going well in state education, he'll change his mind.

But he has been a parent since he was 20 and will still be parenting when he's retired. It's very different if you have all your children late, but actively parenting your entire adult working life is a different matter. I also had my kids young and am now mid-40s, I would absolutely hate to start over again.

Standard failure when one needs to 'seal the deal', so to say. Fails every time, without failure.

I can’t imagine many working parents want to do the dinner, bath and bed routine when they get in. I know I sure don’t but I get on with it anyway because that’s just what parents do.

Maybe he just doesn't like younger kids and will bond with her more when she is school age. So whilst it may not be a fair division of labour, I don't think it means he doesn't love her

I would prefer to palm of toddler care on someone else although I didn't have the option to not do my half with toddlers as DH and I both work equally outside the home.

I can't help but think he didn't really want another child. But I do think he's probably aware that he's going to reach retirement whilst she's in the expensive teen years so needs to be sensible re schooling and extracurricular plus with you not working it's all on him

I was 44 and DH was 50 when our DS was born. DS is now nearly 4 and DH is like any other parent. He does all the nursery pick ups, plays with DS every day and is happy to roll about on the floor with him or play football at the park. When people talk about being too old to parenting I think it’s a weak excuse. DH does more than many 20 something parents.

I think much of it is psychological. People often act in line with their stage of life rather than age. Our neighbours had children very young and now have a multitude of grandchildren. As a result they talk and act like pensioners when in fact they are the same age as DH.

DH reckons having a toddler in your 50’s is great!

I think this is one of the issues with age-gap relationships. Fourteen years may not look like much on paper, but the reality is that while you're still at the age of being a parent, your DH is not - despite what MN may say, very few people actively choose to have a three year old at the age of 52.

It also sounds to me like he supports you to have a very, very nice life indeed - you don't work, you have a cleaner and your daughter is in nursery three days a week. He also supports your two older children. I don't know many men who would take on all of that and have a baby on top.

and I’m sure because you’d hate to start again, you do everything to be sure it doesn’t happen.

OP’s DH had the option to use condoms or even have a vasectomy. He clearly wasn’t that bothered.

I suggested in a previous post that when she gets a job and starts bringing in money they can then discuss private education for the secondary years. That's not what the OP wants though. She wants what his older children got.

The child is 3 now. He only sees her for a brief amount of time after work. That isn't enough time for her to learn French. And like I asked, how does it work when the other children don't speak French? They aren't a multilingual household. They are an English speaking household.

Your attitude to this seems ridiculous to me. Not everyone who could afford private schooling for their children chooses to do so or even thinks it's a good idea, you know! It would be much more unreasonable and divisive for your DD to attend private schools while your two elder DC, part of your DD's everyday family, don't.

How about trying to encourage regular short slots of time where he plays a particular game with her, or reads a story to her once she is in bed.

I think there's a difference between having children in your twenties and again in your fifties, and having your only child in your fifties, though.

You should definitely learn to drive. Has he ever suggested that - would he be happy for you to be able to get about independently - or does he enjoy being the only one who can drive?

Who suggested having her in nursery 8-4 x 3 days per week? Him? Did he suggest it so you have time to get hair and nails done and do your sport so you can stay fit and pretty for him?