DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

I don't agree. This is nothing like the inheritance thread. And that dad wasn't rich anyway.

This girl isn't growing up with her older siblings. She will compare herself to the siblings she grows up with, the ones she will have a little bit of a sibling relationship with. Her father is 52 years old. Expecting him to work until he is passed retirement age just to pay for private education is unrealistic. If the OP goes back to work and starts bringing in some money then maybe they can revisit that idea for secondary education, but right now it is kind of crazy to expect him to commit to paying for private school and then university at his age. When you have limited time left, it makes more sense to budget for the later years. This is just what happens when you have a baby with an older man. You can't expect him to give the same as he did when he 30-years-old and had 30+ years of earning ahead of him and a young man's energy.

My brother is 50 and has 2 girls in their late 20’s and then a 2yr old. He loves his son and he is actively involved as both parents work and so he has to care for him 2 days a week. But he makes a lot of comments how he’s too old to be doing it all again etc and I can tell his heart isn’t fully in it.

I’d say you should prioritise learning to drive as i’d be pretty irritated that i’d be the only person working but have to do all the driving around.

I can see both sides of the argument OP. I do think perhaps your DH is set in his ways, a creature of habit and he needs to at least compromise and for part of the week prioritise family life. Sounds like he exists on the periphery of it, but also sounds like his working hours are exhausting, perhaps his age is catching up with him - what's he doing about that? To be in good health so he can support and be involved with his family?
I don't see how storytime at bedtime would be too taxing for him. Perhaps you ought to book a weekend away by yourself and leave him to it.
My dad was 42 so a slightly older dad when I was born and to be honest he wasn't great when I was little, he didn't seem to know how to interact but we have a brilliant relationship as adults, he just was less of a kids person.
I have a friend who's grandparents are a bit like this, unwilling to get involved and she makes a point of telling them that if they don't get involved now and make the effort, don't expect the grandkids to want to know them when they're old and frail and wanting support. Bit harsh but it worked.

I think if you marry an older man, with money and older kids this is to be expected no?

I do think it would be unfair to privately educated her or spend thousands on sport tuition, even your other (still young) children can’t have that.

Was there a conversation before the bs y was born about how hands on he would be?

I’m surprised he was on board with having another child, as I personally wouldn’t have been if my kids were as old as his.

He sounds like he has a good career and I’d assume that meant that he wasn’t very hands on with his older kids when they were young either.

I wouldn’t expect him to be hands on during the week.
But I would expect him to be on the weekends.

Have you told him how much emotional damage he will do to his daughter if he continues to be absent from her life? Look up Counselling lit on "Father wound"

It's certainly true that you have less energy in your 50s than your 30s but YANBU your dh should be making much more effort with his daughter. YANBU to want a break from parenting at the weekend either. Seems like he he had plenty of energy for the things he want to do.

Where I think he has a point is regarding the high level sports (we did that with one of our children, I would never do it again as the cost to family life was huge).

My 2.5 year old is proof it can indeed fail 🤣🤣🤣

This.
And why does doing bath time for DD hurt his back but playing golf doesn't ?

The novelty of having a younger woman wife has obviously worn off with a toddler of his own now involved.

Bingo! I can't think of anything worse than being a parent to a 3 year old in my fifties, but he obviously agreed to it so he should sort himself out.

Or doesn't really sound as if having another child was something he had any interest in, but also supported you with the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy? Has he always worked the same hours? Was your assumption that because you went ahead with the pregnancy he would suddenly change his habits? I find it a bit weird you're happy to cause a potential disparity between your children by sending one to private school and not the other two who live at home, I agree with him there, and as the mother of all three, I'm surprised you'd want to cause that possible rift between them. He's not interested in doing it all again. He's not interested in changing anything- not saying that he's right- he's being a selfish sod- but he's not going to change and he's proved that.

I don't really think you understand what a deadbeat dad is!
This guy is working and fully funding OPs lifestyle which includes 3 days of nursery a week for the child so OP has plenty of time to do whatever she likes, it certainly won't be running around like a headless chicken doing the housework as they have a cleaner as well.
Could he be more hands on as a father, well yes obviously but considering he has adult children already and was 'presented' with another pregnancy in his late 40's he's probably run out of steam for the early years of child rearing (I'm not saying it's right but it seems the most relatable reason for his distance).
Personally, I would appreciate the lifestyle provided for the family and avoid rocking the boat, he will more than likely get closer to his daughter as she gets older.

Sounds pretty bad. Would he get better as she gets older and no more “sitting in the floor” required? Not necessarily as it sounds like more an attitude problem than an age problem. He’s fit and healthy enough to work long hours and for a weekly drinking session.

then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin

This comment is unacceptable and I wouldn’t allow him to brush it off with some (slightly racist) nonsense about skin colour.

Are his older children both female or does he have a son? I’m wondering if the fact that he actually wanted a son and so isn’t now engaging properly. Regardless, you’ll need to play things very carefully. Sounds like his plan is to do sod all for the next ten years and then perhaps he’ll pop up as the “great dad” when she’s about 13 and you’re divorced.

L

He's a crap dad and whilst you know that's damaging for your child, you're willing to facilitate that because you like your lifestyle. That's the long and short of it.

My father was/is completely indifferent and uninvolved in my life too. Was very close to my much older half siblings though. Always prioritised being at work over being with me, even though (like your husband) he didn't need to do that. On weekends he still found things to do that didn't involve being with me. My mum didn't have the financial means that you do, but she did have some family support and I am hugely resentful that she allowed this situation to play out as it did throughout my childhood. It impacted my self esteem profoundly, and has continued to do so. It's affected all areas of my life. Having an absent father who is actually physically there is very painful in its own unique way.

He doesn't want to be her dad and he's making that crystal clear to everyone on a daily basis, but most heartbreakingly he's making it clear to your daughter.

You don't know what sort of parent he was to his older dc when they were toddler age. It could be he's crap at the younger stage or he could be less invested/less energy this time around. Does he have dd on her own? It's nice he drives your kids to their clubs though.

Maybe learn to drive and get a full time job to shake things up a bit and give yourself more independence.

With a purse? Sounds like he supports a comfortable stay at home life for OP including supporting two of her own children.

Your DD is at nursery 8-4, 3 days per week? why don't you work?
Most kids I know with SAHM do half days.

What's his relationship like with his older children?

That's harsh. What's the op done wrong?