DH has little to no relationship with DD

[Dioomly]

DH is 52, I'm 38, we have been together for 6 years and we have a DD who has just turned 3. I have 2 children from my previous relationship who are 9 and 10, he also has 2 children who are 20 and 22.

DH has a role which requires long hours, roughly he leaves for work at 7.15, gets back at 6./45. He doesn't need to work these long hours really, he could start at 9 and finish at 5.30 but he likes to be "first in and last out". He could also WFH 2 days a week but doesn't.

I do dinner for the kids at 6pm, I find any later is too much chaos, then DD gets her bath around 6.30/45. DH plays no role in bath time, he says when he gets in he is tired and just wants to eat, so I do it. I also do bedtime as it is the same story. He goes out for post work drinks every Thursday without fail, normally getting home around 10/11pm. On the weekends, he barely interacts with DD, he drives I don't so if it is the weekend my older kids are here he takes them to clubs, he says he is too old to get on the floor and play, he doesn't do weekend bath/bed as he says bathtime hurts his back and she sleeps better for me. In the summer he plays golf basically every Saturday. We do family trips to museums etc. but he often goes ahead with the older kids.

I'm a stay at home mum so I expect to do more of the parenting but I basically do it all. This really upsets me as he is very close to his older kids. Neither live in the UK now but he calls them weekly etc. He also just seems to have put more effort in with his older kids. He is French, his ex wife is Italian and when they were little they each spoke their own language to their kids, so his kids are perfectly fluent in French, Italian and English. I suggested we do the same for DD with French but he said no, it was hard work and he only did as parents who are no longer with us didn't speak English but had the kids for 2 weeks every summer,

He is also in my opinion not giving DD the same opportunities as he did for the older kids. His older kids were privately educated, one excelled in sports to the point they paid £50,000+ for her to train in Europe as a teen. He has said as my children aren't privately educated he won't be paying for it for DD, he also said he won't facilitate hobbies to the level he did in the past as it was an expensive decision and annoying. However he happily pays for his older kids flights several times a year (not saying he shouldn't, it just feels like he is being tight with DD but not his older kids). He has even once said "DD isn't as pretty as DSD is she" which I went mad at and he apologised (then saying he just meant as she is pale and his older DD has lovely olive Italian skin).

I feel like I resent him now for his lack of involvement, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says he is sorry and will try harder and does for a few days then stops, he blames his age.

AIBU to think he is being awful to DD?

Leaving wouldn't be easy and I know here it's often said to just leave but I'm not in a position to do that and I don't actually want to leave.

This. I think maybe you need to be looking closely at your marriage really, not just his relationship with your youngest. It does sound as though he has one foot out of the door.

Why can't your ex take his own kids to clubs? Seems you should be more angry about that. Having a kid with a much older man rarely ends well, he could age rapidly in the next 10 years, not really fair on either and I doubt it's what he would've chosen but it's done now.

www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html

I can't get this to work on my iPad. But it's a great sliding scale thing of contraception and failure rates over time.

Those quoting perfect use in the 99% range... that's per year. If you are on the pill for 20 years, the failure rate chance compounds. And no one uses anything perfectly for 20 years. No one.

So let's stop assuming women are 'trapping' men every time, shall we? This place is infested with incels, MRAs and handmaidens at the moment.

My mum's in her 50s she has my son once a week, she says her back hurts after but she adores having him. Your husband could manage to at least have your daughter on a weekend for a day on his own to give you a rest or even for a few hours so you can get your nails done etc. Stop giving him the choice say I'm getting my nails done and you need to watch DD and walk out the house. Honestly he sounds like he can't be bothered and is being lazy, like he can't be bothered to teach her another language etc. I wouldn't be happy with it because you need to think about how she's going to see him growing up you don't want her to have resentment about how she's treated different, I know you said your not ready to leave but I actually think you would be better off, your likely to get a substantial amount of money, you won't have to deal with his moods or laziness and you can find someone who truly appreciates you and your daughter

You can’t force a relationship he doesn’t want. Maybe time will change his feelings. Just keep being the amazing mumma you are.

That's probably because older children are more interesting and exiciting. She won't be 3 forever. It's not personal against her. He just knows from experience what things aren't worth doing. It's not about treating her less than the others.

I couldn't bebunder tyebsame roof as a man that is content not to know or parent a child of ours.
And I most definitely would not give him the privilege of being secure in the assumption that I am his partner.
Go back to work.
Your daughter does not need to grow up with the burden that her mother made her live under the same roof as a father who does not love her.
Care=love.
Love is not merely a feeling.
And stop worrying about "leverage" and start putting the nails and sport money away.
And never put yourself in the position of not having your own income again.

I think it's terrible to give his oldest two DC private school and not his youngest DC, if he can afford it. But maybe he's worried about his old age?

The remark about his youngest DD not being as pretty as his older DD is unforgivable. I'm so glad you went mad at him.

He sounds as if he's all done in when it comes to parenting. You're the main parent, OP, which is perhaps to be expected when there's a toddler and a 52-year-old dad. He might become more interested when she's a bit older.

It might also be worth him getting his health checked, if he's so tired all the time.

Yes, she's only 3 - there's no reason to suppose he'll always be distant.

It doesn't fucking matter.

OP, you shouldn't stay with a man who is putting your kid down like that.

I'm shocked about him not giving the same educational opportunities to each of his three children, but it's also possible that he looks back now and doesn't feel it was a good use of funds.

I mean this with respect and I’m not trying to judge or dig at you. To me it sounds like his kids have grown up and he was looking forward to a nice happy life with a younger girlfriend. I’m sorry but it sounds like he just didn’t want to start all over again with parenting. I’m 43, my DC are 17 & 16 and couldn’t think of anything worse than doing it all again. I don’t blame him re the schooling as your 2 are in state school. It may get better as the child gets older. I’d be careful about hasseling him too much re the child as it already sounds as if 1 foot is out of the door. Try having a sensible conversation, not argument about how he really feels and work out the way forward. Definitely make sure there’s no more ‘accidents’

The baby has 4 siblings though. 2 had a private education. 2 don't. The only way it would be fair would be to send the OP's other 2 children to private school too. Otherwise what does that say about them? "DC1 and DC2, you aren't as important as your little sister, sorry." But since they are not going to private school, I think it's fair that all the children in the household right now are being treated the same.

Previous posters have said most of the important things to say on this, I think. Two points I'd add.

First, age isn't the reason he isn't doing more with your DD, OP - or not just age at least. My own DH is older than yours and we have a youmg DC. My DH has back trouble and some other physical health things too. Yet he is playing with her almost constantly and does plenty of bedtimes. He is currently solo parenting for a few days whilst I'm away for work. I have definitely noticed that my DH has been more knackered than I am and try to support him by giving him more breaks and doing more with DC in the mornings especially so that DH can rest for longer. I have no doubt that age is a factor in making parenting more difficult but I don't accept it as an excuse for how little your DH is doing (especially given that the long work hours are, as you say, his choice).

Age might be a reason your DH doesn't want to spend loads on private school etc though. Maybe he'd like to retire early or is focused on building up his pension? It's the sort of huge financial commitment that could completely scupper his plans.

The second point, perhaps more in your DH's defence, is whether you know what he was like when his own DCs were young. You already say he liked wondering off with your own older kids when in museums etc. Some dads (and indeed some mums) just find younger kids and their care really boring and their relationship with them blooms later. I wonder whether your DH was really that close with his own older kids when they were little. Perhaps in a few years he will be loving DD's company and contributing far more? I say this has someone who adores kids from about 7 onwards and who, despite loving my young toddler DC dearly, cannot wait for them to be a bit older.

At least your child has one parent who cares about her. Yet another deadbeat dad.

In your position, OP, I'd be planning my exit and trying to move towards a degree of economic independence again.

Wow that is a very low bar indeed

Unfortunately that's what happens when you marry an old man

He was looking for a nurse with a purse to facilitate his life into old age.

He probably didn't want more children but couldn't be arsed to get a vasectomy.

I mean, with two different dads of different means, there are going to be different outcomes. It's wrong imo that two out of his three bio kids to have had a private education. His three kids should all be treated the same, and it's not fair for his youngest child to miss out because his stepkids' DH can't afford private for them.

There was a thread recently along the same lines, but it was about an inheritance. The kids in a family had different dads; one dad was richer so that dad's kids were richer, too. That's life, unfortunately.

I wouldn't want my child missing out because their bio dad couldn't afford the same. Where does that end? The other dad can't afford school trips so mine couldn't go, either? What about uni fees? Weddings? At some point the kids have to accept that they have different dads and that those dads have different means.

My dad was in his 50s when we were born in the 70s. A far more active hands on dad that most young men in the 70s. Judging by MN, a more active hands on dad than men in their 30s now.

This behaviour is always a choice.

He’s 50 you moron.

Not 90.

He sounds very passive in his family life. I think you need to have a heart to heart and understand what he wants out of the next 15 years and he will probably have some hard truths to say if what he is focussed on isn’t the toddler stage and it is a disappointment to be doing it again but he also wants to support you. We also don’t know how much of his older children’s hobbies, language learning and schooling was being led by him and how much his ex-wife. He might have checked out there too.

If he is hyper-focussed on his pension, he might need a financial conversation about what money there is for your daughter that is reasonable. If he once paid £50,000 for a child maybe he is afraid hobbies can snowball, but that is no reason for his daughter to completely miss out on swimming/french/music at basic level.

If his parent’s death’s were recent, I wonder if he still has unresolved grief around that is making it harder to engage in the language he spoke with them now that they are not around. He might feel like the French family part of his life died with them and he is dealing with it (not dealing with it) by shutting that part of him off.

He may have a better relationship with her as she gets older. It sounds like you have the life you want otherwise. I’m not sure what you gain by leaving or what your daughter will gain. I imagine you going back to work will probably force more involvement from him and things will change then.

@Dioomly
DD goes to nursery Monday, Wednesday and Friday 8-4 and we have a cleaner who comes Monday and Friday for several hours). I have time for all the things I want to do, sport, hair , nails etc

Maybe this is the problem? You're not really a sahm because you don't spend your time with your child. Do you need 3 days a week to do hair and nails ? Are you a model/actress ? I was greatful to my DH because I was able to spend time with my children. And socialising is easy; there are plenty of playgroups and activities for children. We were always out and about meeting people. Maybe your DH feels resentful because he's working while you're a lady of leisure ?

Nothing to do with age, he just can’t be arsed. A friend of mine had his third child with a new younger wife, in his late 50s and couldn’t be more involved.

As for energy and aches and pains … he’s 52 not 92. Get some blood tests done as that isn’t normal.