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Original poster

my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

277 replies

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 17:50

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/01/2025 15:49

@Susan7654

Have you ever actually sat down with him and had an in depth financial discussion? Because before I bought a house with or married a man there would be complete financial transparency that included laying out of all financial documents. And a serious discussion as to how 'family finances' will be apportioned in the future. Again, I don't believe he's being honest with you as far as where his money has gone/is going.

And he's already shown that he believes it's OK for you to 'sub' him and that him repaying you is 'a guideline, not a rule'. So imagine how his philosophy will work when it comes to household things. You'll have to pay the electric because he 'can't afford it this month'. Need a new boiler? From your pocket but he'll 'pay you back'. And based on past experience it either won't be repaid or you'll have to chase for it. And how will that work when he whines "But we're a faahhmmily! It's all for us" even if it's just coming from your pocket.

You need to toughen up and look outside of your emotions and desire/need to be married. Let me tell you from experience, breaking up is easy, divorce is hard.

Itiswhysofew · 14/01/2025 16:00

Where's the romance?

He didn't put any effort into his proposal of marriage, and used your generosity of a holiday in order to do so. That seems really mean and thoughtless. Also, feeling that you had to buy a cheap ring, when he should be able to afford more, as he earns a good salary, isn't great. I know it's not all about the bling, but he just doesn't seem to care about your feelings.

ForRealCat · 14/01/2025 16:04

He's able to put more into the house because he's using you to top up discretionary spending whilst he essentially puts money into a asset which is accruing value.

"Thanks for offering to put in more to the house, but I'd rather have the thousands you owe me for your share of the holiday, and I'll use that to increase my contribution to the house sale".

He's taking you for a mug

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 16:22

ForRealCat · 14/01/2025 16:04

He's able to put more into the house because he's using you to top up discretionary spending whilst he essentially puts money into a asset which is accruing value.

"Thanks for offering to put in more to the house, but I'd rather have the thousands you owe me for your share of the holiday, and I'll use that to increase my contribution to the house sale".

He's taking you for a mug

Where is he making her pay more to n other spends?

she’s spent 1k more on the holiday. He’ll spend 5k more on the house. I mean, if you think that’s him taking her for a mug and she’d be better off with just the 1k then fine…

CestLaVie123 · 14/01/2025 18:14

OP this does not sound like a nice man at all. He sounds lazy, selfish and unfair. I'm sorry to say it, but he doesn't seem that into you. You seem to be making all the effort, he just seems to be enjoying you spending money on him.
If he was going to propose, he should have at least booked and paid for the holiday.

laraitopbanana · 14/01/2025 18:20

don’t buy a house with him, buy yours.

corksrewcurls · 14/01/2025 18:20

Hi,
I think I may be misunderstanding or overthinking something here but you've said he owes you £1000 for the holiday. Now, as he's going to be putting in more for the House deposit he won't give you his half of the previously agreed money. In effect, rather than settle his agreed debt he's used some of that holiday money to buy you a ring......so you've paid for your own ring. Apologies if I'm wrong or that doesn't make sense and happy to be told I'm wrong.

telestrations · 14/01/2025 18:24

If you feel taken for granted, he's being tight, and putting no effort in before you get married wait to see what he's like when you are.

Gettingnowhereagain · 14/01/2025 18:28

BlondeMamaToBe · 13/01/2025 17:53

I couldn’t put up with a cheap arse like this. He will probably leach off you even more if you live together.

I had one like this. They never change.

Buffs · 14/01/2025 18:29

Don’t marry him. Keep your finances separate and make him pay his way.

Flavourful · 14/01/2025 18:32

Do not move in, you have just had a taster of what life will be like with him. You will be forever thinking you must go cheap to make allowances for him. He’s just let you see you see it before it’s too late.

NoTouch · 14/01/2025 18:34

You need to know if you are compatible before marriage. That includes financially.

You are planning to spend your WHOLE LIFE with this guy, share a home, bed, possibly children. Ask yourself why you can't ask him these questions directly without feeling awkward. The answer is important.

It is fine to say "stop the bus" and you are not ready to commit yet, better now than after marriage!

Emanresu52 · 14/01/2025 18:48

Do not marry this man! He'll have you paying for his kids and bleed you dry. You and your children deserve better.

Chattygirl123 · 14/01/2025 18:51

My ex-husband was tight with everyone me included but not himself. Useless with money and I had to put more into our joint account often. Always in debt and I worried so much about money. It was such a relief when he left and I didn't have to worry any more. Do not marry this man!!

Unrepentantfarter · 14/01/2025 18:52

Do not marry this man. Do not buy a house with him.
🚩🚩🚩

Ohnobackagain · 14/01/2025 19:19

@Susan7654 no, he agreed to pay half, you did him a favour to avoid cc fees. It has nothing to do with anything else - he owes you, regardless. I would be disengaging myself frankly and not buying with him

Evan456 · 14/01/2025 19:21

Run, forest, run

EveryonesMother · 14/01/2025 19:26

If you feel like this now it is never going to get better.
Dont marry him.
That was not a proposal ,you are his back up plan.

ZanyOP · 14/01/2025 19:35

I would really worry that, money aside, you don’t sound aligned in terms of your priorities. If he doesn’t want to travel or prioritise money towards experiences, then this will continue into married life and you will be miserable.

with regards to buying the house, presumably you will ask a solicitor to draw up documentation stating how much you both contributed and how the funds would split in event of sale? You’re not married yet, so should insist on that. If that’s the case then the repayment of the holiday is separate to this, although depends if he expected to repay.

fine to propose on a holiday you paid for, but I would have expected a ring !

Pessismistic · 14/01/2025 19:58

I would seriously think again about buying together he owes you 1k and is trying to wriggle out of it. You will clash about money especially if you have a joint account and savings what happens next time you want a holiday is he going expect you to pay because ur more sensible with money. If you do plan to buy together suggest he pays the holiday loan back and start a fresh in the new house but please think really hard about this because if he has poor credit it will affect yours.

Greenshed · 14/01/2025 20:10

It sounds to me, op, that you have quite significant doubts. Listen to that voice in your head and take it from there - follow your gut instinct. Don’t rush, be absolutely sure first.

Dogsbreath7 · 14/01/2025 20:12

This is the 21stC. You don’t need to get married.

enjoy his company if you, but don’t get married. He is a leach.

Dweetfidilove · 14/01/2025 20:23

Don't worry about him putting an extra 5k into the property. He'll have you writing off money he previously agreed he repay until he's 'recouped' that £5k; or you'll forever be paying for stuff, exceeding his extra £5k.

He isn't trustworthy in any sense. Not in his finances and more importantly, not in his words ☹️.

Itsallgonesideways · 14/01/2025 20:37

Rent a house first and live together for two years before you decide to marry. Do not merge finances and ensure that you safeguard your money for your children first. I personally would ditch this man as you're not socially or financially compatible.

CountingDownToSummer · 14/01/2025 20:40

I think your feeling of being taken for granted is justifiable op.
If you have doubts about marrying him as soon as he'd proposed I think you should listen to your gut.
Most newly engaged couples are giddy with excitement, if you're not don't marry him