Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

277 replies

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 17:50

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 13/01/2025 20:22

Kinda feel like way more information is needed here.

I mean, what kind of numbers are we talking? You want 500 quid paying back for the holiday but he is putting 200k into your potential new house?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/01/2025 20:28

JoanCollinsDiva · 13/01/2025 19:40

I feel like he takes me for granted...

And you're going to marry him?

Yes, he's a tightarse. What kind of man pets his partner arrange and pay for a trip then proposes on said trip - without a ring?

I cannot abide stingy people.

I'm starting to think the "proposal" was to stop @Susan7654 from asking for his share to be paid back. It was obviously unplanned. OP negotiates her own worth down by choosing an inexpensive ring. I'm guessing he manipulates her in a lot of ways she is now used to and doesn't realize it. It wound be utterly foolish to take this relationship to the next level. I'd pull back a lot and see how he acts... ie stop paying for things he expects, go for dinner and "forget" your wallet and not pay back your share, just start expecting him to pick up the tab all the time. I bet he'll soon disappear.

Mirabai · 13/01/2025 20:30

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/01/2025 20:28

I'm starting to think the "proposal" was to stop @Susan7654 from asking for his share to be paid back. It was obviously unplanned. OP negotiates her own worth down by choosing an inexpensive ring. I'm guessing he manipulates her in a lot of ways she is now used to and doesn't realize it. It wound be utterly foolish to take this relationship to the next level. I'd pull back a lot and see how he acts... ie stop paying for things he expects, go for dinner and "forget" your wallet and not pay back your share, just start expecting him to pick up the tab all the time. I bet he'll soon disappear.

Show quote history

And/or a bid to have her pay for his holidays permanently.

Lozzq · 13/01/2025 20:31

I don’t think he’s being a Tw&t on purpose and it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker but before you sign any paperwork for house or marriage I would suggest for you qtr have a long open discussion about finances and what you both expect. Write it down and see if you you can come up with a plan together. Try a joint bills account that you both have direct debit set up with amounts proportional to what you both earn. The reason most marriages fail is due to bad finances and bad communication about finance. My husband and I are opposite when it comes to finances but we made it work because we communicate and the result is better balance (I’m a cheapskate and he is a spender).

AngelinaFibres · 13/01/2025 20:32

My first husband was hopeless with money. It was enormously stressful. If you want to date this man that's fine ( it's not but if you want to you will) but never, ever , ever marry him, buy a house with him, tie yourself financially to him in any way. He will ruin your life.

Didimum · 13/01/2025 20:35

He is who he is, OP. Accept him or decline him as this is the marriage on offer.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/01/2025 20:36

I was married to a man like this for 15 years. It was a huge mistake, he just got worse and worse and I had to be very clever during my divorce not to lose half of everything. Worse decision ever. I wasn't able to retire early as I'd planned.

oakleaffy · 13/01/2025 20:37

Hipalong · 13/01/2025 18:00

Except he's going to be putting more money into buying their house. Possibly a lot more.

Show quote history

This sounds bad..His house is his children's asset for the future, and OP's house is her children's asset..

DO NOT combine houses would be my advice.

Keep separate houses.

Cloudysky81 · 13/01/2025 20:38

How much more then you is he contributing to your joint house?
If it’s a significant amount then I can see his point about the holiday.

GreyAreas · 13/01/2025 20:43

I think nice is turning into slightly disappointing. Listen to your feelings, slow things down and expect more.

CJsGoldfish · 13/01/2025 20:52

Despite the apparent beliefs that appear daily on here, a 'proposal' is not a step to the supposed pinnacle of life....marriage. Sometimes it's just a diversion or simply to buy time.
Here is another handy tip. You do not 'need' a man. You can take some time being a lot more choosyl I don't get why women on here just grab tight to anyone just to not be alone.
I hope you didn't buy your own ring with the plan being for him to pay you back?

Don't marry him OP. You deserve better

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2025 20:53

I don’t have much of a view of him but you don’t seem to like him very much. On that basis I’m not sure I’d marry him.

Do you love, respect, admire him, find him funny, fancy him, feel optimistic about a future with him, want to grow old with him, miss him when you’re apart, feel happier when you’re together?

There's a lot of talk about money but not much else.

thescandalwascontained · 13/01/2025 20:54

I wouldn't marry him, and stop spending all your money on him.

Whammyyammy · 13/01/2025 20:54

I wouldn't consider marrying him. Run for the hills

MajorCarolDanvers · 13/01/2025 20:58

If you are not ready to be a family and share your resources then you are not ready for marriage.

BunnyLake · 13/01/2025 21:15

Don’t marry someone you already know takes you for granted. I bet on the morning of your wedding you will be full of doubt and misgivings. I dated someone once who was terrible with money and nearly ruined me financially and we weren’t even living together. It was horribly stressful, thankfully I got out before doing anything stupid like marrying him.

HoppityBun · 13/01/2025 21:19

If you cannot have an open, honest and frank discussion now about money then your relationship is going to have significant difficulties.

ERthree · 13/01/2025 21:28

What on earth are you doing ? Just stop and re read everything you have written. He spends his money on everyone and everything but you. This will never change and he doesn't see you as worthy.. Have some respect for yourself. You already know his actions are not right.

Treeinthesky · 13/01/2025 21:33

What do.you mean by never really spoilt. I've never been spoiled ever. I earn everything myself. Give me a gift and I look at you weird lol. Please can someone elaborate on what spoiled by their partner means so I can give my bf the nudge to maybe spoil me lol

TravelInsuranceQ · 13/01/2025 21:56

I voted YABU as I'm not sure why you're going to marry him - sounds like a disaster waiting to happen tbh

Original poster
Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 21:56

housethatbuiltme · 13/01/2025 18:50

I must be missing the part where the holiday was a loan?

You wanted to go, he couldn't afford it, you still wanted to go so you paid... that doesn't make a loan.

I always book the holidays and I have never once expected my DH (who was my partner for 10 years before marriage) to pay back half of a holiday I booked and wanted.

yes, I agree. But i am sentimental and think that the holiday he proposed on should not be all paid by me. Its just not romantic and manly. Any other holiday, ok, but not that one.

OP posts:
colinshmolin · 13/01/2025 21:59

Are you ring renting your deposits? Just deduct his share of the holiday from thst. Or if you want it back sooner say no.

But do consider if you want to be tied to someone whose financial outlook doesn't align with yours

Aligirlbear · 13/01/2025 22:31

Money seems to be an ongoing issue for you both - he doesn't manage it well and relies on credit cards and this is a constant worry for you : paying for holiday / cheap engagement ring etc. and you aren't even living together yet.

I would seriously consider whether buying a house together and marriage with your DP is right for you. Money concerns will only get amplified when you are running joint finances and this is one of the biggest issues in marriage / partnerships a different approach to finances. It's highly unlikely his approach will change after being as he is with money for so long.

WhistPie · 13/01/2025 22:42

Why don't you get married, arrange for your salary to be paid directly to him and not worry about anything ever again?

Because if you see any problem with that, you probably shouldn't be even thinking about a legal joining with him

Gettingbysomehow · 13/01/2025 22:49

You don't have to break up with him but you don't have to marry him either. What if you die? He'll legally have all your money to piss up the wall and your children will get nothing. It's just so risky.