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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

277 replies

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 17:50

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

OP posts:
Wooky073 · 14/01/2025 21:54

So he is selling his house and moving into yours? Is he buying in? Or will he simply them be entitled to half of your house (and assets) by marriage? I presume he would just burn through his savings then live off you / yours.

hace a very long engagement and make it clear no marriage until fair finances are sorted out and he sorts out his affairs. Hold off on the selling of houses etc.

I am seeing red flags everywhere

RawBloomers · 14/01/2025 22:15

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 21:56

yes, I agree. But i am sentimental and think that the holiday he proposed on should not be all paid by me. Its just not romantic and manly. Any other holiday, ok, but not that one.

Show quote history

So you only think he should give you the money for half the holiday because he proposed while you were away? If he'd proposed a fortnight later when you were back home, you wouldn't think he owed you any money?

Did he know you felt that way before he proposed?

Suchasonganddance · 14/01/2025 22:19

Run now.

Original poster
Susan7654 · 14/01/2025 23:15

I only asked about holiday money 5 months after holiday and that was his excuse. So it was red flag. As we started thinking about a house only a month ago. That's why I asked here if it is red flag or not.
I am doing well on my own and decided to skip moving in together. I would possibly be worse off living with him anyway, considering his spending habits.
So thank you all for your messages! I really appreciate it all X

OP posts:
Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 14/01/2025 23:56

Well done op on coming to a very sensible decision.👍

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2025 01:04

@Susan7654

Another one saying you are being very wise.

But you may want to give thought to the 'finances' of your relationship 'as is'. Do you feel that the two of you are pretty much equal in terms of spending on each other or on 'couple things'? Do you fork out more often than you'd like because he 'doesn't have the money right now' and do you have to chase him to pay up? Does he often make excuses for not paying or 'pay up' in a cheap way? For example, you paid for a nice dinner out and in return he cooked you an inexpensive meal? I'm not saying that everything has to be tit for tat, but there does need to be some measure of, for lack of a better word, 'reciprocity' in a relationship.

One other bit of food for thought, when it comes to holidays and such you should be planning on holidays or whatever for the 'lower earner' unless you choose to pay for the holiday yourself. If I earn enough for 2 weeks in the Caribbean and the man earns enough for a week in a Cornwall caravan, then Cornwall it is unless I want to pay for the Caribbean as a 'my treat' with no expectation of repayment. And if he can only afford Cornwall, he shouldn't agree to the Caribbean as a 'split' holiday if he knows he can't afford it.

hollyblueivy · 15/01/2025 07:55

Please excuse me
If I am being completely naive.

Usually on here people say about the importance and primary reason for getting married is before children for financial protection and career being held off. In this case neither of these apply, so what is the point / reason for getting married. Surely that would mean half your estate would go to him if you die - wouldn't you want that to go to your grown up children?

I could be wrong in my thoughts here so welcome to stand corrected.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/01/2025 07:57

I definitely think you've made the right decision - I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone like that! How did he take it?

TheMerryCritic · 15/01/2025 09:03

Good to see you thought better of it. He’s a cheapskate and you and your kids would be made miserable. When they get older they would suffer as he would presumably spend more on his own kids (you said he isn’t generous with you and spends his money on ‘his’ kids, food, games). Recipe for disaster.

PeachyPeachTrees · 15/01/2025 09:08

Recipe for disaster.

SunnyDaySummer · 15/01/2025 09:21

I would ask to settle up the holiday first, and you put the £1k into the house and he puts in his extra £4k (plus the equal amounts you were both putting in).

He’s only putting £3k more into the house than you are, because one of the ‘extra’ £5k he’s putting in is actually yours.

The holiday will be long forgotten about but he’ll think he owns £5k more of the house than you do forever.

Strangers · 15/01/2025 09:23

I think he’s very calculative and not have your best interest at heart.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 15/01/2025 10:52

Not moving in is a good decision.

but where does that leave you…
engaged with no intention of marrying?
married and living apart?

Itsyourwifeymacrid · 15/01/2025 11:18

This is a strange one isn't it,well for a start as a couple me and my partner buy things separately,we've lived together for 12 years,got 4 kids together,if I said to him we're going on holiday and paid for it myself I wouldn't really be that bothered he asked me to marry him on the holiday I paid for,ever wondered how it would make him feel if he read this?perhaps before you book anymore holidays if you begrudge paying it yourself tell him you need a contribution off him,he's a man he probs doesn't even realise he's been the way you've described him that's all,just speak to him,he's the one your in the relationship with not us lot on here,we can only give you our own opinions on it,and it will be mixed and mighty make you feel worse about it all as some will say leave him etc and that's clearly not what you want to do,just speak to him in a nice way about,it might all change once you actually live together,hope it all works out for you both x

Hillarious · 15/01/2025 11:25

Move in together with your kids and he'll be expected to support them through uni, and vice versa. Are you ready for that?

Wingingit247 · 15/01/2025 11:34

BlondeMamaToBe · 13/01/2025 17:53

I couldn’t put up with a cheap arse like this. He will probably leach off you even more if you live together.

Exactly. And your finances will become linked too, why on earth get married?? I wouldn’t even live with him.

Letstrythatagaineh · 15/01/2025 11:53

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 13/01/2025 17:56

What are you doing girl? You've got your shit together already, don't settle for this man x

This 1000%

TheMerryCritic · 15/01/2025 13:28

SunnyDaySummer · 15/01/2025 09:21

I would ask to settle up the holiday first, and you put the £1k into the house and he puts in his extra £4k (plus the equal amounts you were both putting in).

He’s only putting £3k more into the house than you are, because one of the ‘extra’ £5k he’s putting in is actually yours.

The holiday will be long forgotten about but he’ll think he owns £5k more of the house than you do forever.

What they said! 👌👏

Helen483 · 15/01/2025 13:54

I agree with PP that the two of you are financially incompatible. And you definitely shouldn't buy a house together without a really good and open discussion about how you are going to manage joint finances afterwards.
But I also think you have a problem with credit cards that you need to get over. I use a credit card all the time for big expenses (why would you not?). So if he wanted to put the cost of the holiday, or your engagement ring, on credit card you should have let him do that. How he pays it off is his business not yours.

Cosyblankets · 15/01/2025 14:07

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 21:56

yes, I agree. But i am sentimental and think that the holiday he proposed on should not be all paid by me. Its just not romantic and manly. Any other holiday, ok, but not that one.

Show quote history

You could have said no

DiduAye · 15/01/2025 17:33

He's financially incompetent and potentially abusive and you sound very immature Don't get married!

Goldenpig71 · 15/01/2025 19:00

I would not let him pay more for the house. Pay equally so your name is on the title and if you want to leave him later just split in half. Get a prenuptial. Keep your asset separately. This guy may use your money to pay for his kids later on. I told my boyfriend that we will not move in together until he can pay for half of down payment. Keep things simple and separate. Stop talking him on trips. If you plan a trip split into half. Don’t go to expensive locations where he can’t afford. I told him I don’t loan money to men or anyone. One woman even moved him into her house rent free and she took him on trips and bought a camper vans so they could go camping together. She planned for everything I told him I dont do that. I don’t care if he thinks I am cheap. He even agreed that women should not pay for men !!!! He was the one who left these women.

Zanina · 15/01/2025 22:20

Yeah I can see that if he doesn't pay you back for your holiday but puts that money as extra towards a house purchase, he will gain more of a share and you get less share and foot the holiday bill. It's a calculated move.

Cosyblankets · 16/01/2025 07:54

The more i think about the money he owed for the holiday going towards his share of the house own ownership the cheekier he seems.

Billydavey · 16/01/2025 09:48

Cosyblankets · 16/01/2025 07:54

The more i think about the money he owed for the holiday going towards his share of the house own ownership the cheekier he seems.

Op only said he was paying more, not that he’d have a greater share. It may well be he’s paying a bit more and they’re going to jointly own

maybe find out before assuming he’s pulling a fast one?

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