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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

277 replies

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 17:50

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

OP posts:
Ohnonotmeagain · 13/01/2025 22:50

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 21:56

yes, I agree. But i am sentimental and think that the holiday he proposed on should not be all paid by me. Its just not romantic and manly. Any other holiday, ok, but not that one.

Show quote history

It’s not “manly” that he didn’t pay for the holiday he proposed on?

no o/p don’t get married. He clearly don’t think much of him.

he’s putting a big share of the house money down- are you selling your house? Do you have a house to sell? So you will gain massively.

but your concern is he’s not manly enough for you.

BusyMum47 · 13/01/2025 23:00

RolliPilliolee · 13/01/2025 17:52

Did you agree before hand that he
would pay half?

Why did you choose a cheap ring if he earns more than you?

I wouldn't be moving in with him or marrying him until he sorted his finances out.

100% this! ⬆️

Thursdaygirl · 13/01/2025 23:13

But i am sentimental and think that the holiday he proposed on should not be all paid by me. Its just not romantic and manly. Any other holiday, ok, but not that one.

I understand that you feel a bit “seen off” OP, that’s your prerogative

healthybychristmas · 13/01/2025 23:29

The older I get the more important I think it is to really keep a grip on your finances. This man will keep a grip on your finances. His own go through his fingers so he will be looking at yours.

I can't really understand why you would want to marry him. I can't understand why you want to date him. If you want security in the future and a good retirement you won't go anywhere near him.

sandyhappypeople · 14/01/2025 01:55

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 21:56

yes, I agree. But i am sentimental and think that the holiday he proposed on should not be all paid by me. Its just not romantic and manly. Any other holiday, ok, but not that one.

Show quote history

You've lost me with this one.

There's nothing sentimental about that, what difference would it make how he paid his half as to whether the proposal was acceptable or not? If you love each other and want to get married what difference would it make? He was upfront about saying he didn't have the funds to go on that holiday and has only agreed to go because you offered to loan him his half, if he is paying it back directly or indirectly (via house deposit) what difference does that make to the proposal.. you were either happy to accept and want to get married or you don't?

If he has agreed to pay half he should pay his half, but you should have a conversation about it.. he obviously doesn't have the money to give you otherwise he could have paid his half.. so he is obviously waiting for the house money to come through.. and he is either giving you the holiday money out of that (and putting the rest into the property) or he is putting it all into the property.. you're getting it either way though??

It sounds like you don't want to get married to me, which is absolutely fine, but don't be railroaded into something you aren't ready for.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/01/2025 07:00

Your problem is that you are spending all your discretionary income on joint treats. Half your spending could and probably be should be savings, investments and pension.

He is paying into his own savings and investments, then frittering away his discretionary income on himself. Then spending half of yours.

He's spending your savings and pension on his 'throw away' fun. No wonder he has more equity to contribute to a house, if this is how he behaves.

Will you be agreeing 50/50 ownership of this house? Formalising that legally? Leaving it to chance via divorce courts (as and when)? Or formalising your different investments as tenants in common?

How's your pension?

You sound like a pair of impractical dreamers. But with different dreams. Yours: he provides, happily ever after. His: you give, he takes. He leaves when he's bored.

ItFellOffAgain · 14/01/2025 07:46

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 17:50

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

You facilitate him taking you for granted.
Not a keeper

NigellaAwesome · 14/01/2025 08:57

He's manipulating you into paying things because otherwise he will incur credit card fees.

Please don't marry him, as much as you think he is a nice man, I don't think he's a keeper. Certainly not someone you want to bind yourself to financially.

Scrambledchickens · 14/01/2025 09:27

Don’t move in together or marry him, he won’t get any better at managing money.

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 09:34

As usual most of mumsnet think a man is a tight arsehole if he’s not paying out for everything.

OP has been silent on how much he’s putting into their joint house…

Waitingfordoggo · 14/01/2025 11:28

Manly? Blimey. My DH proposed to me on a holiday which had been paid for by my parents. (He had at least chosen and paid for a ring though). I didn't find it unromantic or 'unmanly'.

PorridgeEater · 14/01/2025 11:55

I don't think op has clarified whether she is renting or owns her house. If the latter it would be foolish to buy jointly with this man. He may sponge off her even more than he does now - she could find herself paying for everything because she does not want to default on the mortgage.
It seems increasingly clear that however "nice" he may be this is not a man to trust financially. Sorry op but it's better to realise that now.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 14/01/2025 11:56

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 21:56

yes, I agree. But i am sentimental and think that the holiday he proposed on should not be all paid by me. Its just not romantic and manly. Any other holiday, ok, but not that one.

Show quote history

Clawing the cash back now will not make it any less ‘romantic and manly’.

Whatever romantic and manly might be….

Original poster
Susan7654 · 14/01/2025 12:48

holidays were 7 months ago - he owes me £1000. Ring was £400. He will put around 5.000 more into the house deposit as we both sell our properties. I just have different values and always pay my debts no matter what. I would feel very insecure if I promissed to pay for half of holiday and than didnt bother to pay it off. I would pay it straight away as priority.But than, I taught, its maybe only me and its not that big of a deal. I also would aim to pay off the difference in house deposit.

OP posts:
Randomusername37258 · 14/01/2025 12:59

So would you rather he paid you £1000 for the holiday that you add to the house deposit then he can only pay £3k more than you? Because this feels like an admin thing where you see money as individual and he sees it as joint.

Wonderi · 14/01/2025 13:07

I think the fact that he proposed is irrelevant.

If he says he’ll pay half then that’s what he should do.

I would definitely reconsider moving in together unless everything is 50/50 including the deposit.

Having different opinions on finances is going to cause a lot of issues when you move in together.

Imagine if he turns around and says he’ll pay less X because he’s put more in the deposit.

Unless you can guarantee that everything is 50/50 (even if it means buying a smaller home or waiting until you can match his deposit), then I wouldn’t even risk moving in.

Billydavey · 14/01/2025 13:09

Susan7654 · 14/01/2025 12:48

holidays were 7 months ago - he owes me £1000. Ring was £400. He will put around 5.000 more into the house deposit as we both sell our properties. I just have different values and always pay my debts no matter what. I would feel very insecure if I promissed to pay for half of holiday and than didnt bother to pay it off. I would pay it straight away as priority.But than, I taught, its maybe only me and its not that big of a deal. I also would aim to pay off the difference in house deposit.

So why doesn’t he pay you the 1000 and you both put the same into the house?

ah, you don’t like that idea?

Severntrent · 14/01/2025 13:13

Why don't you just take the £1k off what you'd pay him back for extra house deposit? I think maybe you're focusing on holiday but are actually just nervous about different attitudes to money.
I don't think it makes a difference for who paid for holiday in terms of the proposal.

Thursdaygirl · 14/01/2025 13:19

Having different opinions on finances is going to cause a lot of issues when you move in together.

Definitely

WeeOrcadian · 14/01/2025 13:22

I can't see that it's been asked, but what DOES he spend his money on? It must go somewhere

COPPER3 · 14/01/2025 13:41

I have skimmed through the messages and almost every one is a VERY FIRM 'NO'. DO NOT COMMIT ANY FURTHER TO THIS MAN. Do not move in with him and certainly do not marry him.
I am not sure the message is sinking in with you though?

Stick to your values and expectations my dear and recognise your self worth. You are worth more than a cheap ring that you bought yourself!
Good luck with everything xx

JoanCollinsDiva · 14/01/2025 13:56

The bottom line is you have very different ideas about money and your expectations of who pays for what in a relationship. It doesn't sound like he's good with money at all.

It's ok to want a man to spoil you a bit sometimes though some on here will make out like you're unreasonable to expect the man to pay sometimes.

Dh earned much more than me when we met and knowing my situation paid most of the time and also paid for all holidays we took, including the one he proposed to me on. I would then pay for a few meals etc as it was all I could afford.

His generous nature is one of the reasons I fell in love with him, I wouldn't marry someone and combine finances in your position.

Its ok to feel the way you do but just be aware that you may not meet a knight in shining armour type who'll want to look after you. If you do stay together I'd stay in your separate houses as once you buy together it'll be an even split even if you end up paying for most things should you part. You need to think of your child here too.

Stargazingstargazer · 14/01/2025 14:14

Gettingbysomehow · 13/01/2025 22:49

You don't have to break up with him but you don't have to marry him either. What if you die? He'll legally have all your money to piss up the wall and your children will get nothing. It's just so risky.

This!!! I’ve seen it happen … more than once

AluckyEllie · 14/01/2025 14:19

Do not marry and get tied down financially with this man who is shit with money. Sure, keep dating. Keep a separate house and do not marry him or you will loose out.

Tagyoureit · 14/01/2025 14:23

You seem resentful so in your shoes, I'd be reevaluating what I really want in life and if i can honestly see this man giving me the future I want.

Personally, I think you know the answer to this already.