To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

"bitter twisted killjoy"?

It's right there in your post. You have a very one-dimensional view of people with a different perspective but the minute you resort to name-calling that's it.

Nah.

I know three separate couples who had their vows renewed. All three of them had the same (perfectly valid) reason - they wanted to throw a nice event.

I highly suspect that if people had their kids christened as often as they used to (not saying people should, just if they did) there wouldn't be as many vow renewals.

It's nice to get dressed up and wear a hat and go somewhere a bit posh for a day.

In fact I suspect that the reason a lot of people get married too 😄

It sounds to me as if you understand the point entirely. They make people happy.

Thing is we don't hear about the vow renewals that are held privately with only ones children do we? So that is not what the Op was responding to. It could be the case that a large number of friends and acquaintances have had a renewal and just not told everyone as it is a private matter. We hear about the 'second wedding' type of vow renewals and I think that is what some people have an eye brow raising response to. If you make a public declaration of anything then people are going to react to it and you can't control their reaction.

Yup

haven’t read all the comments but just wanted to say I would like a vow renewal but husband not keen as he like you thinks it’s for couples who have had problems and repromising!
whereas for me I wanted to elope when we got married almost 20 years ago but families put on loads of pressure we we ended up with a big traditional wedding with family friend leading service. My parents even told me “your wedding isn’t really about you it’s about the parents (them and in-laws) 🙄
i wish I’d just done what I wanted at the time but I gave in to the tears and the guilt from them!

i wanted our wedding to be just us and a minister (as faith is important to us) promising to each other without all the big wedding day stuff. so I would like to do that just us (and maybe our kids) and a minister-no big song and dance just a private special moment for us. No big white dress! We don’t even need to tell anyone else it’s about it being private for us and what I actually envisioned for our wedding.

husband says whenever anyone has one he assumes someone has cheated 🤷‍♀️

anyway we’ll see if I ever get it!
but it’s sad that people assume it’s because of problems rather than wanting to have a special moment that means something!

Some friends of mine renewed their vows because she had had a really bad illness and felt like he couldn't possibly still feel the same way about her that he did.
So they renewed their vows in a small ceremony and are still together.

No. OP posed a specific question about the assumption that vow renewals necessarily indicate a marriage is in trouble. Vow renewals are, in her rather one-dimensional view, 'pointless', whereas a big anniversary party is fine and dandy.

I can't abide formal, organised parties (that includes weddings). The closest I'd ever get to one is to host a daytime barbecue at home or make an evening offering of food to guests and then enjoy a few beers around the fire pit. A beach party (small, spontaneous, informal) in the same vein ranks amongst one of my most memorable evenings. Weekends away with good friends are also great. DH and I are not the 'grand scale' kind of people. If we wanted to mark a major turning point in our relationship I'd far rather have a quiet vow renewal than organise yet another tedious, identikit bash. These are not for everyone.

I find it strange that some people are bent on dictating how others conduct their own lives but I guess that goes some way to explaining the disproportiate angst surrounding the WOHM vs. SAHM debate, or endless variations on the theme of 'my taste's better than your taste ... ewwwwww!, crushed velvet!' threads.

Makes the day go by, I guess. ...

Completely agree OP, utterly pointless and a stealth brag.

I like the idea, personally! I've been to one, and it definitely wasn't a "make up after cheating" event. Just really relaxed, small, and fun. They're still together and very much in love!

I'd quite like one at some point. For our wedding, we missed out on a few things we'd wanted to do because we wanted to get it right and didn't want to go too "out there". I'd have loved a hand fasting ceremony, more historical links and decor, maybe even outfits. I still have my wedding dress (blue and silver), and I'd love a chance to wear it again. DH and I both have particular interests and are a bit nerdy, so something fun and touching on interests like this would be great. Plus, lots of our friends are very similar.

I'd love some new photos too, with the DC involved. They always say how they'd have loved to be there. DH has changed a lot - he nearly died and has a cane now, we're both older, etc., so we'd quite like a day to reflect us as us now. 🤷‍♀️ Plus, we'd do it in Norway when we move there permanently (DH is Norwegian).

I think people can have lots of reasons for doing these things. Wouldn't be spending an arm and a leg on it, and even if we did...if we can afford it, why not? It's our money.

To be fair I’d love to renew our wedding vows. Not because either of us cheated but because my wedding day didn’t go as I wanted it to. We had a few hiccups that wasn’t bad enough to stop the wedding just things like our cake collapsing and the best man who hadn’t written a speech and just said one line and went back to drinking like he was on a normal night out with his mates.
I wanted my wedding day to go with out a hit hitch and it didn’t.

None of them can compete with Dawn and Pete from Gavin and Stacey when they did it. Absolutely hilarious.

I think it's nice if it's after 20 years or something like that. Also weirdly i think it would be nice if one of them was ill eg re affirming that they loved each other in sickness and health.

I won't ever have one as I'm not married so not relevant to me.

We had a very basic register office marriage in 1974. We feel no need to make any further public statement. We tell each other how we feel. That's what's important to us.

I agree.

They also seem a bit tacky!

My husband and I renewed our vows on a transatlantic cruise on the Queen Mary 2. We had married on the island of Barbados 20 years earlier. Just us two.
My husband asked me on the cruise ship. It was wonderful and didn't cost thousands. He arranged everything. The cake.Flowers,Rings. It was a lovely ecumenical ceremony. Our teenage daughter was present and our now good friends that we met when we four shared a lunch table on the same cruise! Afterwards we all went to dinner. When we finally got back to our 'stateroom' Cunard had left us a bottle of Champagne and a platter of chocolate strawberries. It was a lovely experience and a chance for us to celebrate 20 years of a lovely,busy life together. We have now been married 35 years and are Nana and Papa now,but we are so grateful to count this experience amongst some of our happiest memories. Ultimately you should always leave this life having done things in your own style and caring not a jot for the thoughts and judgements of others.

@Retiredfromearlyyears that's lovely!

Luck is just meeting the right person at the right time. As someone 20yrs married (30yrs total), it's a huge achievement.
I know people who have been married>kids>divorced, married>kids>divorced in that same amount of time.

Have personally only seen it in rock-solid couples, who've been through a lot, who want to reaffirm their love for one another. Not as a Band Aid for cheating.

Wonderful story. My dear friend is on QM2 as I type! DH and I honeymooned on QV. We married overseas and boarded in the early evening of our wedding day. I was still wearing my dress and we received a standing ovation and lots of good wishes from the lovely crew. You've just brought up a whole lot of happy memories for me, too.

We've been married 20 years in a few years' time and I have to confess you've put ideas into my head! 😁

Many congratulations 💐

Truthfully yes, we always wonder which side has cheated when we hear of this. But my mum has had loads of friends do it and she is sure it’s just having the ceremony they always wanted now they can afford it or don’t have parental interference

I don't see getting knocked up an achievement, either, but people will celebrate it.
If this woman sees her 20 year marriage as an achievement, then good for her! Most of my friends have been divorced at least once by now, and some are onto their second marriages.

I totally agree!

I’d rather do something special and significant with DH on our own. I don’t need to announce it to the world and his wife.

I suspect that the people that do this aren’t very secure in their relationship.

or quite fancy an excuse for a nice party with their family before the next one is a funeral?

We had our fortieth anniversary last month. Unfortunately most of our guests who attended our wedding have passed away and apart from some of my husbands family we haven’t seen some others for years. No huge arguments or falling outs just the way it is. To celebrate we went out for dinner by ourselves paid for by our lovely daughters, and the next day had all our immediate family round for dinner. This was perfect for us.