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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

448 replies

misssultana · 13/01/2025 13:37

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

OP posts:
Stuckinthepaststill · 13/01/2025 19:37

My DM & DF did it after my DM had been seriously ill. Just the two of them and the celebrant. No gifts. No expensive dinner. I thought it was nice.

Sophiasguitar · 13/01/2025 19:43

If people want a party, for whatever reason, who is anyone here to judge? I’m sure MNers hate their friends, family and having any type of fun.

PerspicaciaTick · 13/01/2025 19:47

More and more couples have civil ceremonies now instead of religious ones. The only legally binding vow is the bit where you take the other person to be your husband or wife. Nothing about "til death", "faithfulness" etc.
I think a vow renewal can be a lovely way to celebrate a significant milestone or the endurance of the relationship eg. through an illness.
They are usually smaller, more intimate and meaningful and can be held anywhere that is significant to the couple.
Let them celebrate, and if you can't join in wholeheartedly then decline the invite.

mrschocolatte · 13/01/2025 19:53

SpikeGilesSandwich · 13/01/2025 19:27

To be fair, "Everyone said they had a great time" , yeah, they aren't going to say to your face that it was weird and embarrassing.

Such a cruel and spiteful thing to say.

JaninaDuszejko · 13/01/2025 19:58

It's our silver wedding anniversary this year and we are planning a bit of a do, probably just a garden party at home but get caterers in. I'm not religious and we won't be renewing our vows but I can see that they add some structure to the day.

PILs renewed their vows in church at their golden wedding anniversary (and also at either their silver or pearl, not sure which, I wasn't part of the family then). They are the only people in real life that I know have done it. They both had a deep religious faith and there was definitely no cheating, they had a very happy marriage.

Jumpers4goalposts · 13/01/2025 20:04

100% the only reason to renew your vows is if one or both of you have broken them.

Rachmorr57 · 13/01/2025 20:05

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BIossomtoes · 13/01/2025 20:06

Jumpers4goalposts · 13/01/2025 20:04

100% the only reason to renew your vows is if one or both of you have broken them.

In your opinion. A quick skim through the thread reveals there are many reasons for doing it.

StuffedFullOfFromage · 13/01/2025 20:06

I don't get them either.

Why the need to renew vows? I mean, they're vows so should still be in existence.

Each to their own and all that but I find them tacky and cringey.

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:07

MustWeDoThis · 13/01/2025 19:11

I have been married for 18 years and plan on renewing our vows. We have both had gastric sleeves and would love new wedding photos that we hate looking back on. Only our 1st child attended the original wedding. We have both grown in ourselves, too. I have so much to say to him when we renew our vows - I've been romanticizing it for over a year. We are both alternative and would love a gothic wedding, this time around.

People who see it as attention seeking - Well, that's a them problem. They have issues in life and if they were happy and secure, I doubt they would be so bitter and jealous. Happy, secure people do not drag other people down.

What I would say - People who have marriage issues where there is abuse and cheating, they are kidding themselves. One or the other is sadly imagining a world where their partner will treat them better if they renew/have another baby/buy a new house etc. You cannot buy love, but you can pay for further abuse and mistreatment.

How is it "bitter and jealous" to think they are pointless? If I wanted to do it I would but I think they are pointless. I personally haven't ever been in your shoes and needed to lose a lot of weight or felt the need to redo photos. I can see the point if you wanted to do photos with your spouse after weight loss but your wedding day as been and gone and any "renewal" is just an act and doesn't actually mean anything.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 13/01/2025 20:10

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:07

How is it "bitter and jealous" to think they are pointless? If I wanted to do it I would but I think they are pointless. I personally haven't ever been in your shoes and needed to lose a lot of weight or felt the need to redo photos. I can see the point if you wanted to do photos with your spouse after weight loss but your wedding day as been and gone and any "renewal" is just an act and doesn't actually mean anything.

It means something to the people doing it. That’s enough, surely? I have to say you’re not doing yourself any favours on this thread.

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:12

BIossomtoes · 13/01/2025 20:10

It means something to the people doing it. That’s enough, surely? I have to say you’re not doing yourself any favours on this thread.

You can hide this thread if you prefer.

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/01/2025 20:15

BIossomtoes · 13/01/2025 20:10

It means something to the people doing it. That’s enough, surely? I have to say you’re not doing yourself any favours on this thread.

I agree with Blossomtoes... ^ Your posts are really mean spirited and spiteful @misssultana and you sound really bitter and angry! You need to have a word with yourself!

(And no, I WON'T be hiding the thread because it suits you!)

!

Timble · 13/01/2025 20:21

Bernardo1 · 13/01/2025 19:08

Pretentious and Narcistic, are the two words that come to mind.

That’s a bit much.

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:22

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/01/2025 20:15

I agree with Blossomtoes... ^ Your posts are really mean spirited and spiteful @misssultana and you sound really bitter and angry! You need to have a word with yourself!

(And no, I WON'T be hiding the thread because it suits you!)

!

Edited

Its no skin off my nose what you do.

OP posts:
Didimum · 13/01/2025 20:26

I’m not sure you have to see the point in it? Can’t an ordinary big wedding be seen as ‘attention seeking’ in the first place.

ETA: I also don’t see the problem with people renewing with issue in their marriage. If they have gone through upheaval then a renewal can be of important significance to them.

I’d love a vowel renewal but just DH and I alone together, nice meal, mini break. I love him to pieces. Didn’t wholly enjoy our wedding for a few reasons.

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:30

@Didimum I suppose not if its private but if you are imposing an invite and sending out a gift registry link then its a bit of an imposition on others and even more so if its a pointless charade!

OP posts:
TaggieO · 13/01/2025 20:30

I know 2 couples who have done it and both were for very good reasons. One couple, he was diagnosed with cancer a few days before their wedding. They went ahead, but understandably they couldn’t really enjoy the day so they had a do over when they got the all clear.

The others had a close family bereavement right before the wedding, so scaled it back then had a bigger celebration the following year when they weren’t all grieving.

Didimum · 13/01/2025 20:32

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:30

@Didimum I suppose not if its private but if you are imposing an invite and sending out a gift registry link then its a bit of an imposition on others and even more so if its a pointless charade!

Is an invite an imposition? It’s something to accept or decline, it’s neutral. I’ve personally never seen a vow renewal with a gift registry.

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:36

Didimum · 13/01/2025 20:32

Is an invite an imposition? It’s something to accept or decline, it’s neutral. I’ve personally never seen a vow renewal with a gift registry.

Well I have and it is an imposition there are other pressures at play, family expectations and so on and even if you make your excuses and don't go a gift for this sort of thing is still expected.

OP posts:
MotherOfVizslas · 13/01/2025 20:36

I'd quite like to do it at 25 years, but just me, him and the kids. An intimate celebration which is the opposite of the great big spectacle of our original wedding!

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/01/2025 20:38

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:30

@Didimum I suppose not if its private but if you are imposing an invite and sending out a gift registry link then its a bit of an imposition on others and even more so if its a pointless charade!

No-one does that FFS. 🙄

LouH1981 · 13/01/2025 20:40

I absolutely agree with you! I have this rant with my husband all the time. It drives me absolutely insane. Marriage isn’t like a library book and doesn’t need to be renewed.
I do think it is pretty attention seeking.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love an excuse to wear my meringue again but I just don’t get it.

BlueSky2024 · 13/01/2025 20:40

misssultana · 13/01/2025 20:30

@Didimum I suppose not if its private but if you are imposing an invite and sending out a gift registry link then its a bit of an imposition on others and even more so if its a pointless charade!

A gift registry link, how cheeky! If you were already at the initial wedding and gave a gift why on earth would you be required to bring another gift to a ceremony just so they can renew vows that don’t need nenewing, as I said in an earlier post, vows don’t expire on a certain date and don’t require renewing

Rachmorr57 · 13/01/2025 20:41

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