To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

I suppose my view on this is also skewed because I personally could not imagine anything worse than a very public vow renewal. I struggled with the wedding itself, in terms of being the centre of attention and worrying about guests having a good time etc. I loved it in the end but the build up NOT AT ALL. Then adding on twenty years, the menopause , Christ who has the time or inclination to plan something like that.

I imagine if you are someone who loves a party, planning a party etc. you are not starting from the same mental place.

Hence perhaps some of the cynicism but it probably reflects more on me than anyone else. My first thought would be, what in gods name makes you want to do this it must be drastic.

DH and I have considered it for our 20th anniversary. Not because either of us have cheated but because we were very poor when we got married and had a tiny wedding…and we wouldn’t mind doing something a bit flashier. But I don’t know if we’ll actually do it.

They shouldn't. Nobody needs to know about it, nobody needs to post about it. But if they do then expect opinions that may not agree with yours (general) or anyone else's.

It's like tattoos. Have them, don't have them - if you talk about them here then people will respond.

If you want to draw attention to what you're doing, post away to your heart's content - but expect responses that you may not like.

I agree. I can't understand renewals of vows because if they're not broken they don't need renewing; if they have been then any subsequent vow is going to be a lie. It's a mockery.

Having a party? Totally understandable. Flashy as you like/can afford.

It’s not the expressing of opinions that is irritating, although some have been weirdly aggressive. It’s more the arrogant insinuation that people should change what they’re doing based on the opinions of random internet users.
‘Why don’t you just have a big party?’, was one of several similar comments. As if Barbara on the internet should have a say in something that has absolutely no bearing on her life.
Having an opinion on something, fine. Telling someone what they should or shouldn’t be doing, based on that opinion, not fine.

Wedding vow renewal? what a crock. Weddings are silly enough. We never got hitched and everyone that criticized us, family and friends has gotten divorced after being so pious and dedicated to their spouses (yeah right, until they are not). In all cases one of them running off with someone else. One of them re married twice since and is still adamant he is right about marriage and sanctity bs after leaving wives and children stranded in all sorts of bad situations, the hypocritical shit.

I know a few couples who have done this for ‘special anniversaries’ ie 25 years, 40 years and it’s been more a party/celebration format than a wedding. In one case, the couple wanted to have a party as they has a very small wedding first time round.

We would do it the same way we got married though, abroad with just us

we had 4 guests at our wedding abroad and if we do go ahead with our vow renewal there will be 4 guests then as well 😀

Interesting point. You are right about the expensive ‘showy’ ones, and WTF about asking for gifts? 😮 CFs!

My previous husband and I renewed our vows whilst on holiday in Vegas. No fuss, or expense for other people. We were married 29-years in total. That was probably about year 18. There had been a lot of hurt and resentment on both sides over the preceding years. I have been married to my now husband for 10-years. We have had some problems in the past with his alcoholism (sober for 6-years this year). We always knew we loved each other though and we have had no other issues. We can’t imagine any desire to renew our vows. I guess that fits with your theory.

I have considered doing this but not a big massive do just quietly with a very small close circle of loved ones, and not because of any of the reasons you suggest but that our wedding many many years ago was overshadowed by drama in my family and I have thought in recent years at some point I would like to renew our vows without all that maybe coinciding with our anniversary. I have reached a stage in my life where I don't care what way other people do things, some people have massive parties for milestone birthdays, go on hen or stag dos to foreign countries or have big parties for christenings, I don't but if they want to celebrate something important to them whatever the reason why would anyone else feel negative/want to bitch about it?
However for what it's worth when I read posts like the OP with someone passing judgment on something lots of people in their circle are doing and speculating negative reasons it makes me think there is an element of jealousy. And OP will very likely say that is not the case, which just goes to show that others perceptions of the motives for your actions are often wrong.

They cost the people invited money in travel, hotels etc and for what? Something bad happened....bit on the side most probably..
And we all have to pay for their open air public apology? No ta, I'll pass....I think I have anything else to do suddenly

With people I know it's often more that they are really happy and committed but their whole friendship circle has changed etc so actually none of their current friends and even family (if have grown up or got married or had new babies etc), were there at their original wedding. So it's nice to have that confirmation and reaffirming vows, making memories with the people who are a big part of their life now. I think yeah it's weird if doing it when on rocks but a lot of times it's for nice reasons.

But the OP isn't "not letting them" have their vow renewal ceremonies. They are indeed cringy AF, and especially if the invitation comes with a gift list attached it's perfectly fine to be judgy.

Why not? What is Mumsnet for?

At 20 years of marriage, I found out that vow renewals aren't a thing in Catholicism. So I had a seriously fancy dress and a huge meal out with friends.

For 25 years, we had a Mass said and then spent the evening seeing a Show...

My marriage wasn't in trouble any more then usual for either occasion. We just wanted a celebration with a religious element.

We want to renew our vows as I was pregnant and puking the first time round 😂 but we are more in love now after nearly 20 years than we were when we first got married and kind of want a party about it 😂

no it's never fine to be judgey. Just don't attend, and stop associating with them if you think their moral compass doesn't match yours; grabby, crass, & cringey doesnt really sound like you're very two faced if you carry on pretending that you're their best buddies!

I've not had a vows renewal, but if I found out a couple friend of mine thought I was crass, cringe & grabby (and whatever else has been said in this long thread), I'd be mortified and never speak to them again.

Just decline and pull back from them, but let them do them.

That's lovely

That’s an interesting comparison - I enjoyed my graduations and it would be great to have another one!

I’ve never seen the point of a vow renewal, I must admit, but I only know one couple who did it, and I think it was after illness. They did it in our church service and we had a cake afterwards - that was it.

We’d rather spend the money on a holiday - we’re on holiday this summer for our 30th anniversary.

"Crass and attention seeking" my very words exactly, couldn't agree more.

I think it also depends what circles you move in. I think for some friendship groups/social circles this sort of thing is more common and does not have any negative connotations. In my social circles it would typically raise eyebrows I think just as it is not at all common. I think largely due to the expense of it all and being too busy just focussing on the day to day - and any extra headspace in this area would be directed towards other significant events - such as milestone birthdays, anniversary's etc. People don't have party planners or the time and headspace to plan large expensive parties outside of the usual milestones. I only know one couple who did it and they are now divorced.

So I think the eyebrow raise would be - why are they doing this? And the nature of human beings is to speculate out of curiosity.

What a hypocrite you are. Your posts are the most judgemental and namecalling of all. There you go, telling people what they must and mustn't do too.

Maybe look at your own compass and perhaps get a tune-up?

I’ve long wanted to do vow renewals, but it’s because we were part of a very controlling church at the time. The Pastor wouldn’t let us say “in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, until death do us part” because apparently saying those vows was a lack of faith and was setting ourselves up for a lifetime of sickness or something.

We go to a normal church now, and I’d love to formally say the actual Church of England standard vows. But not with a bunch of people there. Just a vicar and immediate family, who would totally get it.

I'm not name calling, I'm quoting what's been said on this thread, personally I don't have any friends in my sphere that I think are grabby, crass or cringey, if I thought someone was crass or cringey I wouldn't go to their vows renewal (or any other party) because I'd be a hypocrite, thinking bad of them and then behind theor back name calling and judging them.

The only telling I'm doing is; if you think someone is crass, grabby or cringey - don't attend their party, because you're a hypocrite.

I'm all for people having vows renewals, if they want to celebrate their love (for whatever reason), happy for them! I definitely don't assume one is cheating, I definitely don't assume one has broken vows; i assume they are reaffirming those vows as they have become a different person since they took them.

My compass is absolutely tickety boo

Firstly, you’re assuming a vow renewal would require a planner, lots of time, money and a large guest list. Despite the fact that lots on this thread have specifically said it’d either just be the 2 of them, or them and their children. Secondly, how is planning a ‘big’ vow renewal and different to planning a ‘big’ anniversary party?
I think it goes back to people having this odd visceral response to a vow renewal. ‘Don’t have a vow renewal - where it’s just you and your oh, away somewhere together - they’re crass and attention seeking. Have a great big anniversary party for all your friends and family’. Because that’s not attention seeking, apparently…