To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

Hmm. Op getting invited to so many vow renewals that it’s sparked this thread - and had to buy gifts for them from registries…

Of all the things that never happened, this never happened the most.

If that was aimed at me and my friends and family were only saying that to be nice, they wouldn't still be talking about it years later, sending me photos on and around the same date and asking me to do it again!

My parents did it for their Golden Wedding. Church service and dinner for immediate family. It was lovely.

And Seal and Heidi did it every year… until they split up. Pointless…

That’s true of any invitation you might receive.

Op states-
I suppose the question might be why make a public show of it on social media at all, why do you need other peoples likes? Why isn't the relationship you have with your DH enough?

I suppose the question is why the need to post on here at all? Do you need other people to like and and agree with your stance? Why isn't it enough to think and believe that without posting all about it on here?
That's right, it's because you can. Just like people can renew their vows if they want, post on Facebook about it if they want etc.

I have always thought they were a bit pointless at best and cringey at worst. I would rather have a big anniversary party and invite family N friends.

Now, you see, a big anniversary party would be pointless for my husband and I. Because we’re introverts and wouldn’t enjoy it.
But something meaningful and special between just the two of us in a location that has special meaning, wouldn’t.
Doesn’t it just go to show that we’re all different, eh?

I think it's a lovely idea to renew wedding vows if that's your thing. I know a couple who did it for their 30th Anniversary. They wanted their kids to be a part of it as the kids weren't born at the time of the original wedding & they wanted older family members to share there marriage success while they were still here. They have made some good friends over the years that wouldn't have been at their wedding so they wanted to share a day with them too. Another couple I know renewed their vows on their 30th Anniversary also. They'd had a small wedding, the bride was Pregnant & they wanted to experience a wedding with no expense spared with all the family there, which they couldn't afford when they originally got married. It wasn't crass or grabby. It was beautiful & the day was a big family & friends get together to celebrate them being together so long.

bit harsh.
more a signal that a marriage has potentially overcame trouble-acknooledgement\public declaration co.you all know the details -heres where we are at.
As iit goes i was forced aged 17 to sit thro mum n dads. was only them me my sisters and minister and im not even suure iv ever been"sorry"how absolutely horrible i was that day.

I've come across a few where the couple do a vow renewal for a fiftieth or sixtieth anniversary and in all of those ones it's been in a church with a priest.
However when it's much younger couples absolutely everyone I've known to do a vow renewal it has been a sign of marriage issues.

We’ve already discussed a vow renewal every 5 years or so, and did so months after we got married. I would marry him all over again any day of any month. It took me almost 30 years to be this much in love and find happiness I want to celebrate it. We would do it the same way we got married though, abroad with just us. It’s our celebration for us

Surely a big anniversary party would be more than enough? Most couples kids dont attend their parent's original wedding. I do find the whole vow renewal either attention seeking or disingenuous.

I am a little cynical generally but in my mind, I always see this as the last ditch idea of a cheating (usually) husband who is doing everything he can to patch things up. Let's make a fresh start of it, renew our vows. I will show you in front of the entire world how serious I am about making this work. Sort of like when people swear on someone's life. It smacks of a desperation to be believed and that things will be different. Erase the past and start afresh.

The only couple I knew who did it were plagued by rumours of his cheating and are now divorced.

Otherwise why do it?

Have you not read the thread? Plenty of reasons given, other than infidelity.

@SwingTheMonkey of course there are exceptions to every rule but in the absence of terminal illness or other life changing event of some kind - my gut feeling would be 'I wonder what he has done'. Yes I am cynical but I was a divorce lawyer for a long time and it can make you that way.

And I say cheating husband, not because wives don't cheat - but in the wife cheating scenario I think the vow renewal 'solution' is nowhere near as common. For reasons I find it difficult to articulate or explain.

Who cares what your gut feeling is though?

Why do people think couples should care what others think about how they choose to celebrate their relationship?

Well the Op asked for opinions so I gave mine. It obviously touches nerves for people I can understand that and you should totally have no regard for one or other people's opinions if you want to have a vow renewal.

It’s ok, I don’t.

I couldn't be bothered but if other people want to do it then fair enough. I wouldn't necessarily assume affair though

That’s disingenuous to say the least. Who’s going to do a vow renewal if other people’s thoughts immediately go to infidelity? Such a shame because it started out as such a nice thing.

Pete's ring 🤣🤣

To be clear I would not think this if a couple went off and did this privately on their own as many have suggested. It is the second wedding, vow renewals that tend to give these vibes where there are a lot of guests and a big fanfare about the whole thing.

To be clear, the large shindig with guests wouldn't be for me. But that's me. If others choose to celebrate like this, and if their guests are happy to attend, I'm under no misconception that anyone would give a bison's bum what I think. Nor should they.

The silly generalization that vow renewal equals infidelty is exactly like the one that Ms denotes 'divorced woman'. In some cases, it might, although the latter at least is a fast-dispelling assumption as surely no one is silly enough to assume that these days😀

Even so, these are hardly universal truths and even if they were it matters not one jot.