To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

I've been happily married for well over 20 years, there's nothing I'd hate more than a "vow renewal"! Just, why? YANBU.

I'd like to do them - because my mil ruined my wedding day by locking herself in the toilet screaming and then threatening the Dj and fil getting arrested.

So I'd quite like a day with just my children and some nice photos I can remember without wanting to cry.

If that makes me crass/me me me, then I'm absolutely fine with that.

YAB slightly U. Maybe in some cases, a bit like a bandage baby, but not all. We renewed our vows last year. Just us two and our DC. Very happily married, no arguments, no cheating. Not a showmance. We did it because one of our DC was at our wedding and the other wasn't born so we wanted us to have wedding with the four of us. And to reaffirm our vows. We went on holiday and did it abroad, we never had any intention of inviting anyone else. And we are planning to do it again in a few years but, again, just the four of us and because it's part of a destination on a road trip that I've always thought would be pretty cool to get married at. If we weren't visiting there we wouldn't do it so soon though.

I don't see the point of vow renewals. The vows are enduring, nothing has changed - unless it's been broken. If it's been broken then any vow made is a nonsense, isn't it?

Up to the couple but I wouldn't go to one, I think that without exception, they're an attention-seeking sham.

Anniversary parties are not the same thing.

I have only ever been to one renewal and they split shortly after, the DW had an affair. I think the affair began after the renewal but who knows.

Oh my goodness I had no idea people would have assumed my marriage was in trouble when DP and I renewed our vows after 10 years! We had a traditional big wedding at the behest of both of our families. I hated it. We wanted something small and fun and the sulks and drama we endured from both sides was awful. So DP and I agreed we would go to Las Vegas and renew our vows in front of an Elvis impersonator which we did. We went with 4 mates and had so much fun. Which in hindsight I’m so grateful for as we lost one of our friends suddenly and I’m so glad we have such fabulous memories of them celebrating with us in Vegas.

Urgh I'm with you op. One of my friends had a vow renewal recently for a significant wedding anniversary - nothing wrong with that in itself if it had been a quiet ceremony for the couple and kids, but it was basically another wedding!!! Wedding dress, flowers, bridesmaids, daytime and evening receptions.... Just grabbed me as so attention seeking and honestly I couldn't take her as seriously after seeing it all over Facebook. Even "one month anniversary" type posts, FFS. Absolutely no affairs or rockiness in the marriage to the best of my knowledge, it was a nice gesture to celebrate their anniversary, just incredibly OTT.
My DH and I briefly considered a vow renewal for our silver wedding but decided against it - however, if we had done it, it would have been private and not a social media circus!

Some people will think so. Nobody else's but the couple's opinion matters so don't canvass other people and be happy with your own decisions.

Well a wedding is one thing, you are committing in a legal sense to another person before the witnesses and God if you are religious. An anniversary party is just a party with the anniversary as a reason for it. A vow renewal is a bit of a pantomime, it really has no point unless the vows have been broken.

Ditto for the one that I attended. Full scale wedding , coat a fortune, 5 bridesmaids etc hen and stag, honeymoon. It felt odd at the time too. The elder relatives really thought it was all bonkers. They were a hoot to chat to on the day.

Just look at Dawn and Pete on Gavin and Stacey!!!!!

You should do it if you want to I'm just saying I don't see the point if the vows still stand. It only makes sense if they have been broken, otherwise throw a party and get up and tell everyone how much you love them. If you want to do a vow renewal then accept that people will think their has been cheating or its attention seeking, or you could just do it privately. If its just a meaningful thing for you and your DH then why do you need an audience or to publicise it?

Exactly!

Agreed, why would you need to renew your vows, you took your vows at your initial wedding and they were for life, it’s not like they had an expiry date and need to be renewed

I'd like to do it, I thought at 10 years but with a 4yo, 3yo and 10 month old that won't happen next year. I think it would be nice to have a party and have the kids at your vow renewal. We got married in hawaii so I always thought I would go back for a renewal. No chance at the minute though, maybe at 15 years. Happily married as far as I know lol.

Pretentious and Narcistic, are the two words that come to mind.

Some people will do it because they want to reaffirm their marriage vows and some will do it to try and repair their marriage.

My husband and I did it after many years of marriage for several reasons. We got married in a registry office because we couldn't afford a church wedding at the time. I wore a blue suit and we only had a handful of guests. We both have a very close circle of friends now and I have also found a long lost brother, neither of which were at our wedding. I had also lost a lot of weight and both my husband and I had lost our wedding rings (at separate times).

I wanted to renew our vows in a church and have our new wedding rings blessed. I also wanted to share the day with our close friends and my brother and one of my friends lent me her wedding dress. It was a simple dress with a little bit of sparkle so it was perfect for a vow renewal but it meant I finally got to wear a proper dress!

It was a fantastic day and everyone said what a great time they'd all had. We had the renewal in church and then walked back to our home for a garden party. We invited the neighbours and the vicar and provided food.

Everyone brought a bottle and one of our friends did the music for us. We said no presents as we just wanted to celebrate the day with the people we love the most and it was very important to me to have our marriage blessed in church.

I even managed to do the renewal on the same date that we got married, which made it even more special. It was very cheap and very memorable.

I have been married for 18 years and plan on renewing our vows. We have both had gastric sleeves and would love new wedding photos that we hate looking back on. Only our 1st child attended the original wedding. We have both grown in ourselves, too. I have so much to say to him when we renew our vows - I've been romanticizing it for over a year. We are both alternative and would love a gothic wedding, this time around.

People who see it as attention seeking - Well, that's a them problem. They have issues in life and if they were happy and secure, I doubt they would be so bitter and jealous. Happy, secure people do not drag other people down.

What I would say - People who have marriage issues where there is abuse and cheating, they are kidding themselves. One or the other is sadly imagining a world where their partner will treat them better if they renew/have another baby/buy a new house etc. You cannot buy love, but you can pay for further abuse and mistreatment.

I only know one couple in my friendship group who renewed their vows and ‘yes’ he had cheated on her. They didn’t make a big deal out of it, they just went off and did it - just the 2 of them.

Didn’t make any difference though. He cheated on her again a few years later, but even worse this time. He was on websites for married people, looking for sex. Like the Ashley Madison one. He was having sex with 2 or 3 different women, but he was that thick, that he used his own e-mail address (the one his wife knew his password to). She booted him out, thank goodness.

He is in the transport police and apparently the use of those types of websites is very common amongst his colleagues. I know that is nothing to do with renewing vows, but just thought I would throw it out there.

We did it after 20 years, on a beach in Cuba. It was just the two of us and it was beautiful. We initially got married in a registry office with a handful of people there - didn’t want anyone except the witnesses, to be honest, but I bowed to pressure - and the renewal was something just for us; it was better than the wedding we’d always thought we wanted because there was nobody else there.

Absolutely no problems in our marriage, we did it because we wanted to.
Vow renewals aren’t always a way to cover up cracks in relationships, so I voted YABU.

My grandparents did a renewal, meal and party for their fiftieth wedding anniversary, I don't think my grandad had been putting it about!

To be fair, "Everyone said they had a great time" , yeah, they aren't going to say to your face that it was weird and embarrassing.

That's just mean

If I was going to do something like that, I think I'd just go for an anniversary party. There might be specific circumstances where a vow renewal is meaningful but it wouldn't feel meaningful to me - you can't marry the same person twice (unless you get divorced in the interim). I've sometimes had dreams where I'm having a 'second wedding' to my husband, and I'm getting dressed up, and it always feels false.

We had a small, register office wedding (20 guests) and it was enough for me. I did wear a traditional wedding dress, full on Victorian style in silk, as I thought it would be my only chance to wear one! We are still married 20 years on.

I don't understand vow renewals at all.

Why would anything that's enduring require renewal?

Unless it wasn't enduring and someone fucked up along the way?

20 wedding anniversary party - sure but why vow renewal?

Cheating or attention seeking. I only know of 3 couples who did this and all 3 divorced shortly afterwards.