To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

My parents did it for their silver anniversary. However it was just them, me my brother & the minister.

No fancy outfits and the only gift was a bible from the minister.

We went out for dinner afterwards & that was it

I dont see the harm in it at all, it was lovely & no, neither of them had cheated

@misssultana

Tell me you or your husband has cheated and you're both are thinking about renewing your marriage vows, without telling me you or your husband has cheated and are you're both thinking about renewing your marriage vows! 😂

I mean, how on earth do you KNOW there has been cheating in all of these couples? 😆

I think there are a lot of rumours that Jamie Oliver is a serial cheater but it is just rumours.

The vows should be applicable for the duration of the marriage so no need to renew them. If a vow has been broken then that's a major breach of trust and loyalty and there's really no coming back from that. Divorce is inevitable imo.

Milestones have always been celebrated they just used to be called anniversaries.

I agree.

Along with the Tracey n Joe Bloggs joint Facebook accounts.

We like to socialise. We had a silver wedding party many years ago. I thanked everyone for coming along (it was also 25 years since we graduated).
DH stood up and said that he would do it all again and was looking forward to the next 25.
We stipulated no pressies. People did ask but we said if they really wanted to do anything give to one of our favourite charities or one of their own choice.
Noi dea if anyone did because it was before on line charity donations.

We are 40 years married now.

I said I would like a new engagement ring next year for our 20th. I accidentally damaged my original one.

Yeah I think you're right in most cases. I think you shouldn't need to renew your vows really, that's the whole point of vows.

It can certainly indicate that the marriage has been in trouble. I've only been to one vow renewal and it was a very volatile relationship. No infidelity as far as I know but both of them neurodiverse and quite tricky to get on with. They were enaged for a while but kept splitting up and getting back together. Then they seemed to be finally going for it but had a huge bust-up a week before the wedding and not only split up but were contractually obliged to pay for the whole event as it was too short notice to save any of the money. A year later, having mended their relationship, they got married in the lowest budget (but loveliest) wedding I've ever been to because they had no money. Predictably the subsequent years were just as rocky and they had their ups and downs. When they got to 10 years it was brilliant for them to do a renewal ceremony - both to celebrate having survived all that without splitting up, and also because they at least were able to spend a bit of money on a big party now!

Neither of us has cheated thanks for asking, and I only know for sure that one of the couples who had a renewal where the husband cheated and left the wife because that was my friends older sister and she told me the details. The other one I'm not sure but given his history of infidelity I wouldn't be surprised if he has cheated.

I got married once, my vows will last until death or divorce. I'd never do a tacky vow renewal.

Absolute peak cringe.

Dawn and Pete nailed it.

That sounds absolutely fine to me.

I just do. The odds were stacked against us. And 20 years happily married is an achievement in this day and age, without the unorthodox start we had. I most certainly didn’t have doubts - most people would have, in our case, but I didn’t. And still don’t.

And I couldn’t care less whether you see it as an achievement, to be honest, nobody is asking you to do it.

Yanbu. DH got a wandering eye and got very flirty with a colleague. I caught it before anything happened and he let me read all the messages and we had lots of counselling (which he paid for) and are on a better path but I will never forget him suggesting a vow renewal like it was some kind of magic solution! It took hard work (mainly from him) to rebuild things, not a fancy ceremony

My Aunt and Uncle renewed their vows, big party afterwards etc.

It turns out that she was terminally ill and they wanted to do something together, with all of their friends and family sharing in their love.

Renewing vows is not always a sign that a marriage is in trouble. It might seem pointless to you OP but others might get comfort / enjoyment etc. from doing it. Each to their own.

But why RENEW Vows , unless one has broken them?

There are “ Anniversaries “ to celebrate marriage milestones.

@misssultana I agree- they seem pointless ( and don’t know anyone who has done this.

( Is it a class thing?)

Well if hardly anyone you know has cheated (when renewing the marriage vows,) why did you even start this thread? And I think it's so sweet that you are certain your DH has never cheated. 😄

I don't know any celebrities but I think its becoming more of a thing as people seek to emulate the lives of the rich and the famous or because they want to look a certain way on social media. As more people do it, then others will follow suit until it becomes normalised in certain circles.

My sibling renewed her vows at 25 years, they’ve just had their 50th

This. ^ Assuming one of the couple has cheated just because they renew their marriage vows, speaks volumes about the person thinking this!

Haha never ! I can't wait for vows renewal 😂 WE had such amazing day on our wedding day, even my husband said he'd love to go through that again 😆

Just to add, they didn’t post it on social media

I remember someone having one - went to Italy took the kids - photos all over Facebook looking loved up. Split up about 6 months later. He was keen, she wasn't. She had someone else waiting in the wings. So there is some truth in what you say in some cases.

I’m getting one for our silver wedding this year. I’d love to renew our vows too, just us and the minister in the church where we were married.

I reckon it's often triggered by one or both partners cheating or nearly cheating. Like, I'll prove to you how faithful I am, by recreating our wedding! Throw money and ceremony at it. Bury your head in the sand the reasons why you've actually grown apart.
Yeah, it never looks necessary or sincere.