To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

I’d like to do it at 20 years. Not because our marriage is on the rocks, or because either of us cheated (we haven’t). But because we got together, had a child and married within 18 months. Most of our friends didn’t think it would last but we’re still blissfully married, 16 years later. I’d like to celebrate our achievement.
However, we’d do it alone, probably in a foreign country with no friends and family celebration - it’d be purely for us. In addition, I’ve also lost a lot of weight and quite fancy a do over of our wedding pictures!

I always think of them as apology parties 😂

Jeez you sound like a bitter, twisted, killjoy.

If people want to renew their vows, for whatever reason, let them. The biggest gift you could give them is your non attendance, after all if you think they're crass, grabby, attention seeking and a waste of money, may as well stay at home.

I agree with you.

Unless it's being done to mark an obvious milestone (such as silver or golden anniversary) then I'd wonder who had broken which vow badly enough that they needed to be re-done. Adultery is the most likely reason.

I had no idea this was a thing outside of celebrities.

Do you know lots of celebrities OP…?

I agree with you OP. At best they are cringey.

Honestly I have to admit I feel the same, although I am aware it’s not necessarily a very kind way of thinking. The way I see it, vows, by their very nature, do not need renewing… ‘for as long as we both shall live’ and all that! The only reason logically you would need to renew them is if one got broken in some way.

I’m more a live and let live and don’t judge people like this.

I have often thought that it would be nice for DH and I to do one for a big anniversary, like our 20th coming up this year. However it would be a small thing with our DC and that's all. I am put off because they are mostly just affair plasters.

It’s quite instagram ‘me, me, me’.

I think if they aren’t over the top weddings then they can be nice (but only for the repeat bride and groom) and they might be nice for people who had a small wedding the first time around.
But massive renewal weddings that are like a celebrity wedding are pure attention seeking I think.

My parents did a vow renewal but it was literally them, the priest and me and my sister. Both had a strong Catholic faith but were not allowed to get married in church due to my fathers divorce

I understand parties to celebrate milestone wedding anniversaries, but don't really 'get' the vow renewal thing. I don't know anyone that's done it (and we're in our 50's), however, if other people want to do it, live and let live I guess!

I'm happy for people to celebrate whatever they fancy and to spend their money however they like, but the only vow renewals I have been to are for couples where one partner has cheated.

I guess I always assumed because of that "if you haven't broken your vows, why would you need to renew them?"

But, that said, I'm always happy to attend a celebration, especially if there's free food and booze 😂

I went to a vow renewal abroad. It cost us as a couple £3k. They had split up, got back together and after a year decided to renew their vows. She later found out that he was shagging other people behind her back, again.

I don’t have any particular opinion, I love a celebration with a party whatever the reason and don’t generally have much interest in getting invested in the specifics of why somebody might be throwing one and whether there’s some gossip behind it. I can’t see a manifest difference between “a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family”, which you think is okay, and renewing marriage vows. They’re both just celebrations, the latter presumably simply has a few more minutes spent on the speech element. Go, don’t go, take a present if you want, don’t if you don’t want. Anything else is just overthink.

It's not my thing but I wouldn't worry about the money aspect. People can spend their money on whatever they like, maybe you have a more expensive car than they would or took a holiday to somewhere they'd hate. Who's to say what's "a waste", it's not wasted if they enjoyed it.

I agree with you. Me and my DH have never felt the need to ‘renew’ our vows. We have been married nearly 30 years and we live by them every day. We also have plenty of family parties where the fruits of marriage are celebrated.

Renewal suggests something off to me, but then I saw pictures of Jamie Oliver’s and it looked nothing short of joyful so each to their own. Still always makes me wonder though…

The only people I know who have done this had a very small wedding initially, were aged nearly 70 and the wife had very surprisingly just survived a huge health emergency. When all was well and good they decided they wanted to properly celebrate the life they had enjoyed together before it was too late and now they could afford to do so. They had a big event, they both dressed up, wined and dined every one fabulously and it was great.

From the people I've talked to who have done them (all American, if that makes a difference), it's because they have been married a long time and wouldn't have the same wedding again now that they had back when they got married, and want to have something else to have that same experience all over again. Sometimes there's also a religious aspect. Make of that what you will. I think it's sweet personally, but I've never heard of them being done to fix cracks in a relationship.

I prefer anniversary parties as a concept but the trouble is, they only really work on big milestones and if it's your 22nd anniversary (for example) it's not as snazzy-sounding as a "vow renewal" for some people.

Yanbu. I have a friend who last year told her husband to leave the house and we sat and listened to her saying the relationship was dead. No one else was involved. Sudden I got an invite for vow renewal. They back together but she still being very negative about their relationship.

Bar very few, I would think most of these align to the same theory as social media.

If you're having to shout about your relationship, it's probably because you're trying to fool yourself as well as everyone else.

But there are exceptions to every rule. :)

Agree op

I don't see the point, but people should do what they want.

My friend did it, but it was a very private affair. There were no guests.

I understand if people had to marry in a rush or during Covid and want a do-over.
But mostly I don't see why an anniversary party doesn't do the job.

Why do you think being mareied for 20 years is an achievement? To me, that sounds like you had doubts to begin with.

(I’ve also been happily married for almost that amount of time- 19 years this year- I just don’t see it as an “achievement”. We’ve been lucky).