To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

Some people might just like the chance to say their vows (original or updated) again. To have a proper think about it, about their lives now vs when they got married, to declare their love and respect to each other again, out loud. To reflect on times past, and look forward to the future. To share a moment as a couple. They might want to have that moment either alone or with others there to see it. Maybe with their priest/vicar, have a blessing. Maybe not.

It's of course not necessary, and people could just have an anniversary party, but why is it a big ick if they want to have something extra, significant to them?

If a couple is on the rocks, a renewal is going to do feck all to fix it. That doesn't mean everyone who has a renewal is making a mockery of their original vows.

I think all this thread has achieved is to show that everyone is different!

I've been married for 26 years, neither has cheated, still don't feel the need to do a renewal .

If people want to, fine, it's up to them.

Just as long as they realise everyone will be asking "which one cheated do you think".

That seems to be the accepted reason for most renewals.

They are pointless, because vows are for life - they don't need to be renewed.
If you want to celebrate a long, successful marriage, just go on a nice holiday.
Or, if you must, have a party (even tho that smacks of smugness).
But vow renewals are just naff and very "loook at us, aren't we marvellous?".

This is what puts me off. Everyone will think oh who cheated then. The same as when people see a shared Facebook account.

I don't want to do a whole "wedding" I just would like to have pictures and wear a nice dress. We couldn't afford to before and I was 9 months pregnant. Be lovely to do it a bit more romantically just us and the kids. Maybe we will and not tell anyone so we don't have the judgement.

The same would apply to people who married a long time ago and for whatever reason couldn’t have a church wedding - the only alternative at the time was registry office, and it was really difficult to have a family wedding because of space. And it wasn’t the done thing to wear a long white dress, and certainly no bridesmaids!

But the can celebrate! But there is no need to have a second faux wedding, should we have faux graduation ceremonies in our 40's to celebrate our careers?

Just my inimitable charisma 😎

Yes I do associate vow renewals with marriages that have been through a rocky patch but the couple are trying to make a go of it.

But the can celebrate! But there is no need to have a second faux wedding, should we have faux graduation ceremonies in our 40's to celebrate our careers? Several people on here have said their reasons have been that the first ceremony wasn’t all they would have wanted for various reasons. Should they be denied the chance to do it properly?

See this is why I haven't done it, we've been married 26 years this year and not in trouble but my mother completely took over my wedding and I was too young to argue. I'd love to have the day I want, and do it all o dr the way I want to and always have but everyone would think there was a reason for it.

I think they also signal something has gone wrong (one or both have shagged someone else) and they want to tell everyone ‘WE’RE FINE! HONESTLY WE’RE FINE!’

I also think they’re just a bit naff. You don’t need to renew something that doesn’t expire. Passports expire so you renew them, marriages don’t need to be renewed, that’s the whole point, they’re forever.

If you are proud of your achievements and still madly in love there are these things called anniversary parties, you invite friends and family and celebrate your marriage. Most often celebrated at the 25, 40, 50 year points.

Tetchy.

Thats fine, if you want to draw attention to the fact that your marriage will make it to 20 years, work away. Just don’t be surprised at eye rolls from others who don’t see it as an “achievement”.

Or one of them is recover from, or experiencing a terminal illness.
Or had a lockdown wedding that wasn’t the day of their dreams, nor with their family/friends in attendance.

People on here hate weddings so this won’t be popular 😂 we planned our vow renewal while planning our wedding 😂 will do it at around 15 years I think :)

I think they are cheesy. Why just not have a big party for a significant wedding anniversary?
If you do have one, please note, long white dresses usually look awful on someone older than 50!

We had a renewal of vows after 50 years of marriage. In the C of E, the ceremony is called a Thanksgiving for Marriage and for us it was just that. A thanksgiving for long years of love and companionship, for our children and our grandchildren. No wedding dress (can't think of anything worse at my age!). It was lovely that we could have new rings blessed ; my original was too small and couldn't be enlarged, (don't have a patterned wedding ring!).My husband lost his on a cold walk many years ago. Afterwards a family dinner.

We had a blessing of our wedding vows at our youngest's christening. I was horrified to hear later on mumsnet that people assume it's because of an affair. It definitely wasn't!

The main reason was that we had tried to marry in that church 15 years previously but been turned away as my husband was a divorcee (very brief starter marriage in his youth, she ran off with her boss after a year). We married at the methodist church but attended the original church and I'd always felt sad that we'd not married there as we had much more connection to it than where we actually married. It felt really special and "right" to have our marriage blessed there at last (different vicar to the one who'd turned us down). It wasn't a full vow renewal as we didn't feel the vows needed to be redone, as they were once and for all as far as we were concerned, though each to their own.

Also our youngest was born after a long struggle with secondary fertility so it felt really right to celebrate the completion of our family and our marriage surviving those difficult years.

A vain third reason is that we were quite hard up when we first married and I hadn't been able to afford to get my hair and make up done. I also got drenched with rain on the way there and didn't look great in the photos. So it was nice to have a do over and get some nice pics, the bonus being that our kids are in them.

No regrets!

Vow renewal I would assume cheating. Anniversary parties are for celebrating the marriage.

People see everything as an achievement in my opinion! Although full disclosure I’m not good at recognising things in myself that others may see as an achievement. I suppose as humans we like to think we’ve more control over our lives than we have. It’s all a bit look at me the vows thing. But yes I always assume it’s a shit marriage. You don’t need to renew the vows , it says it in them til death do us part so unless you’ve managed to come back from the dead……

We want to do a vow renewal at the 10yr mark. Not because our marriage is in trouble, but so we can redo the day as we’d planned. Abroad. After booking the UK part of the wedding, I finally fell pregnant after years of trying and testing. I then got made redundant and had a high risk pregnancy where I was advised not to travel. We’d do renewals in the destination we’d originally planned.

Absolutely so. And highlights (once again) how far too many people think that 'different' equals 'bad'. So it's not your (generic you) thing; that's absolutely fine. It's the sneering at others that's so unnecessary.

I'm all for people doing what makes them, personally, happy, and am not in the habit of sitting in judgement on that.

Incidentally, we eloped precisely because we don't 'do' parties. If we went all-out to avoid the big party first time round, but chose to mark an important anniversary for whatever reason seemed good to us, then why on earth would we want to celebrate in that way later? It's not for us.

Love, especially enduring love, is an all-too rare commodity. It should be celebrated in whatever way people see fit.

Unfortunately every renewal service I have been invited to or heard about through friends/family has been a band aid for an affair. It is a real shame judging from some of the replies here that would love to do it. I have been to some wonderful 40/50/60 year anniversary parties though and they have felt really special, like celebrating a joyful achievement together.

I know someone who has had the wedding pictures re-done in the dress she really wanted. So you could hire a nice venue (some of the Landmark Trust places are just made for dressing up in) and a photographer

Not everyone likes parties. I personally avoid them like the plague.