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Original poster

To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

448 replies

misssultana · 13/01/2025 13:37

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

OP posts:
Original poster
misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:07

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/01/2025 14:05

This. ^ Assuming one of the couple has cheated just because they renew their marriage vows, speaks volumes about the person thinking this! Wink

Show quote history

It more likely speaks volumes about what I know of the couples involved. In no case has their been any illness and most renewals have been 10 or less years from their original big fancy wedding.

OP posts:
spirit20 · 13/01/2025 14:07

I agree. If you want to celebrate that your love for each other has lasted that long, then that's what anniversary parties are there for. The whole point of vows is that they don't expire and that you don't have to renew them.

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/01/2025 14:07

The same as those JaneandJoe Smith Facebook accounts. Someone’s been playing away so now they need to show how together they are.

If you want a party for 20/30/40 years throw a big party. If you want to do it as a genuine intimate act go off just you and do it. The big showy ones are mostly someone’s broken a vow to need to renew them.

GRex · 13/01/2025 14:08

I would assume they'd had serious issues as a couple.

Mind you, i give certain Facebook "my wonderful wife/ husband" posts a bit of side- eye too. It's only ever the type of couples who have huge arguments as far as I can tell. The rest of us just carry on taking our husband for granted while debating movies or which bit of the house needs fixing the most.

Original poster
misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:08

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/01/2025 14:07

The same as those JaneandJoe Smith Facebook accounts. Someone’s been playing away so now they need to show how together they are.

If you want a party for 20/30/40 years throw a big party. If you want to do it as a genuine intimate act go off just you and do it. The big showy ones are mostly someone’s broken a vow to need to renew them.

I totally agree its pretty obvious to most people that is what is going on.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 13/01/2025 14:09

misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:01

Neither of us has cheated thanks for asking, and I only know for sure that one of the couples who had a renewal where the husband cheated and left the wife because that was my friends older sister and she told me the details. The other one I'm not sure but given his history of infidelity I wouldn't be surprised if he has cheated.

I got married once, my vows will last until death or divorce. I'd never do a tacky vow renewal.

Show quote history

People always seem to focus on cheating as somehow being the only way you can break your marriage vows. It isn’t: most people vow a number of things when they marry, and I can’t imagine that anyone on earth hasn’t had a period of their marriage where they can acknowledge they didn’t always behave in a loving, cherishing, honouring way, or weren’t especially supportive of each other, or could have been kinder to their spouse when they were sick. All of which are vows.

Most couples will have been through a rough patch and broken some of the above vows. Some divorce; some realise they do still love each other and were careless of each other, but want to move forward stronger, remaking the vows.

SemperIdem · 13/01/2025 14:09

I don’t understand why people would spend so much money on a vow renewal when you can make a post about your “ups and downs” on social media and announce to the world your relationship is in trouble, for free.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 13/01/2025 14:10

Only people I know who’ve done it in real life, both times was after an affair. Same goes for the C-list celebs at my DC’s school…

XenoBitch · 13/01/2025 14:10

I don't see the point in them. I think it is just an excuse to be the centre of attention and throw a party.
I know someone who has just renewed their vows, big party etc... and they have only been married for a year.

BingoLarge · 13/01/2025 14:10

I think they’re generally understood to be a sign someone has had an affair. If you just want a party, have an anniversary party.

AnnaKing81 · 13/01/2025 14:10

I think a lot of the time you are right and they are because something is going wrong. oh things are definitely going wrong and people want to make a point of looking good on the outside.

However, I've thought of doing it at 20 years because when I got married, I was seven months pregnant 23. I just looked fat.

I'm in my 40s and in really good shape and would like to wear a dress LOL!

Stuntedtree · 13/01/2025 14:11

We did it for our 15 year anniversary. My DDad was terminally ill and we wanted a celebration amongst the doom and gloom. It was lovely, we had a party at home afterwards, neither of us had/have had affairs and celebrate 35 years of marriage in 2025.

Mangobestfruit · 13/01/2025 14:13

I’ve been planning to renew my vows with dh, had a hell of a year with health and cancer, and want to do something fun and just love dh so much and all the support he’s given me, happy to be tacky 😂

Original poster
misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:13

AnnaKing81 · 13/01/2025 14:10

I think a lot of the time you are right and they are because something is going wrong. oh things are definitely going wrong and people want to make a point of looking good on the outside.

However, I've thought of doing it at 20 years because when I got married, I was seven months pregnant 23. I just looked fat.

I'm in my 40s and in really good shape and would like to wear a dress LOL!

I can understand the impulse to have one in that case or for people who didn't have a big wedding first time around if that is what they had wanted. Personally its not what I would want myself but in all the cases I'm thinking of people had large fancy weddings first time around and they all looked fab so it just seems weird to me.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 13/01/2025 14:13

As far as I'm concerned, the vows that I made 25 years ago are as valid today as they were when I made them. They weren't time limited, they don't run out and they haven't been broken, so no need to renew.

We had a party for our 25th wedding anniversary, and it was great fun to celebrate our wedding with friends new and old, and get the wedding albums out and show the children. It was also a little bit because we'd had a tough year with parents dying and we wanted something to celebrate as a family rather than only getting together for funerals :( But no vows were renewed (and nor were there any outrageous outfits, speeches or any other things that would make it more like a wedding that the simple party that it was). I don't even have Instagram, so definitely no photos on there!

I think the only reason I can think of for having a "wedding style" vow renewal was if you couldn't do it properly the first time round (lack of money etc) and really want a do-over or if the vows had been broken in some way.

Each to their own though. I love a party, whatever the reason!

CheshireCat1 · 13/01/2025 14:13

The people that I know that have done it haven’t cheated or broken any vows, they didn’t have a big party or post it on social media. They loved doing it and said it was very personal and emotional because it was just the couples.

ABigBarofChocolate · 13/01/2025 14:14

misssultana · 13/01/2025 13:37

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

I've been married for almost 12 years. I had thought about renewing our vows at 10 years but it was mainly just for the sake of a party. We didn't have an engagement party and I was pregnant on my wedding day so it wasn't so fun for me. I decided not to. We are happy and always have been so it wasn't really necessary.

However the people I know that have done it or have talked about it are the ones who have awful or toxic marriages.

Kbroughton · 13/01/2025 14:14

When my ex husband cheated (the first time, or at least the first time I found out) he was very keen on vow renewal! Went way overboard and wanted kids involved, new written views etc. I was less keen. He left me for another woman five years later. So my experience is yes!

HeadNorth · 13/01/2025 14:14

I assuma a vow renewal is a result of an affair - why renew vows that haven't been broken? I really don't see the point otherwise, you can celebrate significant wedding anniverseries if you want to have a knees up.

GRex · 13/01/2025 14:17

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/01/2025 14:09

People always seem to focus on cheating as somehow being the only way you can break your marriage vows. It isn’t: most people vow a number of things when they marry, and I can’t imagine that anyone on earth hasn’t had a period of their marriage where they can acknowledge they didn’t always behave in a loving, cherishing, honouring way, or weren’t especially supportive of each other, or could have been kinder to their spouse when they were sick. All of which are vows.

Most couples will have been through a rough patch and broken some of the above vows. Some divorce; some realise they do still love each other and were careless of each other, but want to move forward stronger, remaking the vows.

Show quote history

I'm very sure I didn't promise to be kind to DH when he's sick, I just promised to keep him even when he's sick and therefore annoying. I do the basics like collecting medication, supplying food/ drinks and agreeing he can lie- in, but I frequently scold him for the hawking up of phlegm. Why DO men do that anyway? It's so gross.

madamweb · 13/01/2025 14:17

HeadNorth · 13/01/2025 14:14

I assuma a vow renewal is a result of an affair - why renew vows that haven't been broken? I really don't see the point otherwise, you can celebrate significant wedding anniverseries if you want to have a knees up.

Exactly, I thought that's why people had wedding anniversary parties /celebrations

Original poster
misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:17

ABigBarofChocolate · 13/01/2025 14:14

I've been married for almost 12 years. I had thought about renewing our vows at 10 years but it was mainly just for the sake of a party. We didn't have an engagement party and I was pregnant on my wedding day so it wasn't so fun for me. I decided not to. We are happy and always have been so it wasn't really necessary.

However the people I know that have done it or have talked about it are the ones who have awful or toxic marriages.

Show quote history

@ABigBarofChocolate That's interesting, and I see what you mean the perception of renewals are so negative as evidenced from most people on this thread that it probably does put a lot of people off doing it even if they have a non cheating or vow breaking reason because of the perception of them.

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 13/01/2025 14:17

I know people who have done it after a rocky patch then divorced quickly after, but I also know two couples who have done it for their silver anniversary both following major health issues, neither had had big weddings originally. I also know a couple having a full church blessing for their fifth anniversary this summer as their original wedding was very modest due to COVID

Bleachbum · 13/01/2025 14:17

My DH mentioned wanting to renew our vows. He essentially just wants to relive our amazing wedding day 20 odd years ago.

It was an amazing day, and I don’t disagree that it would be lovely to go back in time and have the day all over again, but that’s not possible, is it.

I also told him that there’s no way as people will think one of us has cheated as that would be my first thought if I was invited to a renewal!

SlapTheMelon · 13/01/2025 14:17

I've attended one and the husband who invited colleagues including me whinged a lot about it. It was the wife's idea clearly. Got the impression their marriage was fine but she just wanted to wear a huge white gown and be glam and be the queen for a day. Yes it was cringe as hell especially if it's your colleague.