To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

Me and DH together 24 years and we have talked about marking a significant milestone with an intimate vow renewal abroad with just our kids. Key highlights would be a lovely holiday, our kids would get to share it this time around and we would be reconfirming our love after all this time for the last part of our lives together.

The thing is though there is nothing wrong with having a party although expecting gifts is a bit grabby but renewing vows if the initial ones still stand seems pointless and seems rather an excuse to make yourself centre of attention for spurious reasons at the very least.

I agree op - l think they are attention seeky too

I have been married for 40 years and have completely forgotten what I promised him or he promised me.

At the time we married, you could marry only in a church or a registry office. We didn’t have the church option because he was divorced. So I’ve never had the chance for a “proper” wedding with lots of guests.

For both these reasons, vow renewal looks interesting. But not if everyone is going to jump to conlusions!

I guess everyone has their reasons.

Our wedding got cancelled twice during covid times. We then decided that we'd have a small registry wedding with two witnesses instead. It upset a lot of people, which is understandable, most of them wouldn't have been able to make it as they live 4 hours away, so we said that once we could, we would renew our vows and have everyone be invited then instead.

No we renewed ours on our 25th. Because it was nice not because it was in trouble

Similar story here. We are very different and many people thought we wouldn’t last, our wedding was very much done for other people’s benefit and I’d really like to go overseas to renew our vows, just the two of us.

Well, so are most weddings come to that

H and I discussed renewing our vows. I didn't feel quite as married since he fucked someone else. I told him not yet. We weren't in a good enough place. Divorced him instead for much worse behaviour. Very very very glad we didn't renew them.

One friend eloped with no friends or family, so they had a 15year renewal as they could finally afford the wedding party they wanted originally.

ALL the others have been because one of them cheated.

Well judging from the voting almost 80% of people seem to think a vow renewal equates to cheating or problems in the marriage. So it appears to be quite a common view.

I have a friend who wants a vow renewal as she didn’t have a big wedding or a ‘dream’ dress (it was in a sale and didn’t fit her properly). It was all done on a budget as they didn’t have a lot of spare cash at the time. Now they do, so she would like a lovely dress and go abroad with their kids to somewhere amazing. I think you’re right I that there is usually a reason to do it rather than just for romantic reasons.

I could see people who had Covid weddings maybe wanting to have a vow renewal. Not exactly a 'do over' but because they didn't get to have a family wedding first time around.

Personally I would love to renew my wedding vows. We were married when I was 18 and my DH 21 (18 years ago) and we had a small wedding in the local town hall booked last minute due to DH being in the army. He was being posted overseas.
We didn't have the money or the time to arrange the wedding we'd have liked.
Our marriage certainly isn't on the rocks

I thought it was widely accepted that vow renewals meant starting again after cheating, otherwise just have an anniversary do.
It's a standard joke, all the guests are speculating who's been playing away.

Perhaps it depends on the reason for it. The only one I know of was a 25th wedding anniversary one, and they'd originally had a register office wedding, so they wanted a church blessing too. A regular silver wedding anniversary party afterwards, which they would have held anyway.

And that’s exactly what’s spoiled it for people who want to celebrate x years of happiness despite the ups and downs of life testing their marriage vows (other than the fidelity one) to destruction. What a shame.

My rejoinder to that one would be: who gives a flying one what people think?

@Maddy70 Can I ask why specifically you felt the need to renew vows you'd already made and stuck to? What was it exactly you were getting out of that? I'm genuinely curious because to me my original vows still stand and don't need to be renewed.

I always think it’d make more sense to have a big party once you’ve been married a few decades!

I’d also assume that there’s probably been an “issue” of some sort and they've overcome it, it’s not something I’ve ever known stable couples do.

Exactly. DH and I made our vows 35 years ago this year. Neither of us has ever broken them so there's no need to renew them.

I'd be up for a party, though!

Wow, what a charmer!

Every couple I know that have done it, one of them has had an affair. The more expensive the renewal the more certain I am that it is an affair. Literally every couple I know that has done a vow renewal have ended up divorced within a few years.

Personally I don't see any need to have other people see my committal to DH. We got married with 2 witnesses and that is enough for us. Our vows are between us, and is only.

These and the married couples photoshoots. 100% on the rocks or one has been cheating.