Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

@motheroffour1980 I loathe hearing parents swear in front of their children and children swearing, but I've voted YANBU because I think the correct course of action for this mother would have been to report it to the school, but not gossip about it to other mums. The reason for this is because, the school would no doubt be aware if there are any behavioural/learning issues with the child and would be able to reassure this mum that the problem was known about and they were working on it with the boy's parent(s). Also, as you say, isolating this boy won't help - attending play dates and children's parties in other homes will help him learn how to socialise politely (other parents may gently reprimand him about his language where his parent(s) are clearly struggling to do so).

I have to ask though OP, you've written in various posts:

"Bear in mind he’s a great kid, has a tonne of energy."
"I’m not sure the level, but I know that it’s just cursing and not picking on anyone. He seems to be nice to everyone otherwise."
"..... however in this case his is more casual swearing. He’s not targeting anyone or being mean."
"None of that happened though and I would not tolerate that."

How do you know all of this about this boy's everyday behaviour? Is he a close friend of your son's? Has he cursed in front of your son or you? If so, have you reprimanded him about it and explained why he shouldn't do it?

I dont see how gossiping helps the child, and why the mum, keeps talking about it if she is not doing anything about it. So in that sense, it is toxic and the gossip only serves the woman to feel good about her sanctimonious self or worse, to get other mums to shun this child. This isn’t the child’s fault at 5 years old. He is just repeating what he heard, thinking it is cool. Maybe no-one has warned him.
It is not nice to be gossiping about a 5 year old and shows bad character.

Did you ask the woman what she did about it? Talk to the teacher, talk to the parents, talk to the child? If nothing, I would point it out that she can take some corrective action, and if she cant, the only thing the woman can do is to distance herself or her child from the sweary kid. If you are ok to be involved, I would proceed with, " I can talk to the teacher saying you told me.....” and see what she says.

I would disagree with the child being excluded, his parents need to be called in and told to deal with it
Is the gossiping mother planning on getting all small badly behaved children who are just learning how to behave excluded, she sounds like she has too much time on her hands, in school kids are going to associate with some very well behaved kids and some not very well behaved ones, it’s life

"Might" have ADHD - although 5 is too young to tell, near me they won't even assess until 7. Either way, it is really unhelpful to translate a report of bad behaviour into presumed ADHD as it stigmatises a serious condition as "naughty kid syndrome". My child has ADHD and was not turning the air blue in Reception.

Oh, come on now. OP hasn't started a thread 'smearing and gossiping', as you so histrionically put it. She's asked for advice on an advice forum. An anonymous advice forum, at that.

This is a support site for parents. OP is not exacerbating the gossip circulating at her DC's school. And frankly, it makes no odds whether sweary child is hers or not. For adults to bully and gossip about children is reprehensible behaviour.

To OP - a fellow-parent can have no influence on whether a child is excluded or not, especially when the kid is a mere 5 years old. There would have to be a much stronger reason than this. The mother's behaviour is toxic but the schools are set up to maintain discipline and behavioural policies over the children in their jurisdiction, not their parents. There is nothing they can do about her unless a serious safeguarding concern is raised, and if it is, they will hand it on to the necessary authorities to deal with.

It's all deeply unpleasant, but unfortunately this does fall into the category of problems you can't do anything about.

Do they have Tourette’s? It’s an odd conclusion to jump to if you haven’t been told anything.

You initially heard about this from other parents yet you don’t seem concerned about them gossiping.

people talk it is up to you if you choose to listen.

Your over dramatic language is the only thing I'm judging here. 'smear campaign', 'throwing shade', 'slandered'

Just ignore and don't get involved. It's very easy to not get involved.

‘Have you lived a sheltered life? You’ve been parroting to anyone who’ll listen for months’

Shes an arse!

I also think those who don't want their own children to associate with a five year old boy because he swore are ridiculous. Hes just a little kid. Why on earth would you try to isolate a little boy?

Well, unless your school operates entirely differently to every other school on the planet, that's not her decision. She's raised it with the teacher. It's out of her hands now. If she thinks her child is being irreparably damaged by proximity to a child who swears, she has of course the option of removing her child from that setting.

If you feel so strongly about the child possibly being ostracised, invite him for a playdate.

The sad thing is, there is no need for the boy to be excluded. If there are consequences every time he swears, he will learn not to do it, and he won't be excluded. The OP says he is a nice boy aside from this, it's unlikely he e be shunned by other kids and parents if he works on stopping the unwanted behaviour.

I feel this child is being let down if his swearing isn't being challenged by teachers and other parents.

Just ignore her and close down any conversation by changing the subject. You could even say it isn't right to be talking about this child. Some parents did that about a boy at school and I found it inappropriate. I distanced myself.

I have recently moved to an area where swearing is much more rife than I have ever encountered before. "Fuck" and "fucking" are used very casually by some older men who I just wouldn't expect to use language like that, generally it's not used aggressively. It's not like teenagers who, I think, consciously swear to impress friends. I am struggling to come to terms with it, haven't challenged it but hopefully would if I had a child with me. This boy may simply not see these words as bad.

This. Mind your own business

Just rethinking this reply from you OP.

You say you would not tolerate misogynistic swearwords like 'slut', 'bitch', or 'whore'.

What would you do about it then?

Complain to the school obviously, but beyond that?

If this child was still using misogynistic swearwords like 'slut', 'bitch', or 'whore', would you happily invite him to your DC's parties?

I agree with you OP. It's horrible. And how will this little boy stand any chance of knowing any better unless he is exposed to better role models?

Whilst I might not be happy for my child to go to his house, at least without me getting an idea of what the environment is like over there, I wouldn't have an issue with my kid bringing home this kid for a play date.

For all anyone else knows, the poor child could be witness to a parent screaming abuse at their partner whilst he's at home, and that's where he's heard this - if I can give him a couple of hours break from that, I would do. And I'd make sure my house is a safe space for any of my children's friends.

How do you know that's not what's happening? You said yourself you don't know what words are being used.

As for complaining about another poster generalising, what do you think your posts about tourettes are? You've decided a child may have a medical condition just because they sometimes swear. The vast majority of people with tourettes do not yell out, you are falsely promoting an unhelpful stereotype. And a 5 year old with tourettes should not know swearwords the same as any other 5 year old because they should not be exposed to that language.

I honestly don't think an otherwise nice little boy is going to be excluded from school for being a bit sweary. Exclusion is a last resort. 5 year olds don't get excluded unless their behaviour is really out of control. I think that the OP can stop panicking.

well, an actual solution would be to ignore her. That tends to shut people up when no one pays attention.

But obviously it would stop the OP from having a good gossip and a rant against another parent, and some parents LOVE drama at the school gates 😂

There's ALWAYS some gossipy righteous parent like the OP and the other mother. It's because a child had more stars of the week than the other, because someone is a superior sheep at the nativity, is given the best book to read at home, gossip because one mother wears beautiful clothes and "too much make-up" or because she is always in gym gear.... the nonsense from bored parent is endless.

If people are that bored, I would strongly advise them to join the PTA, they could spend all that energy in trying to raise money for the school and their own kids.

Every parent knows who the “naughty” children are in their child’s class as the children tell their parents.

My mum had my son go to her and say earnestly “Billy Bragg steals!”
( Not the boys real name) ( infants)

Billy Bragg actually stole my son’s new shoes son came out of school wearing battered shoes of the wrong size 😂
( We got them back ok)

Of course I would not tolerate those words.
I would complain directly to the school, and not every parent that I come across. Maybe quietly to the parent of the child involved. No one else needs to be brought into it , that’s not right.
I would leave it to professionals and keep it civilised , this would give the poor child chance to repair and remedy his behaviour so of course he would still be invited.
The cancel culture friendly parents are only happy to pounce on poor kids making mistakes and banish them to an island far away.

Just keep out of it
The school should know how to deal with it

no one is stopping you, and no one is stopping the OP!

One mother has an opinion and a reaction, you have another entirely different way of handling it. It's a free country.

The OP should't drag a teacher into it, they really have better things to do.

My takeaways from this:

1. The OP is the parent, but obv now will have to keep denying it. Nothing else about the entire post and her POV makes a lick of sense.
2. The child is NOT to blame and making him the subject of gossip is awful.
3. The parent is right to raise it with the school. Ime, very young kids swearing is unusual. It is NOT 'picked up at sports clubs' etc at that age. If a child hears an odd swear word and repeats it - very common - it is usually dealt with easily at home. Swearing repeatedly at a very young age can be a sign that other things in the home environment are not right, and that some kind of intervention may be needed. I would expect a safeguarding officer to be aware of it.

this would give the poor child chance to repair and remedy his behaviour so of course he would still be invited.

And what if Amazon have run out of magic wands?

Or do you think a complaint from you personally is enough to magically repair and remedy this child's behaviour?

When it's not magically repaired and remedied, would you still be happy to invite a child to your DC's party, who uses swearwords like 'slut', 'bitch' and 'whore'?