Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

Careful you don't put your back out with that reach - Tourette's?? Not everything has to have a label.

More likely just a 5 year old kid swearing.

But even if the boy does have Tourette's 🙄then the other mum still doesn't have to just put up with swear words constantly around her kid, and the teachers need to put help in place for him.

Let’s be honest if a five year old is cursing at school it probably won’t be new information to the parents being told about it or at the very least they just haven’t had their child experience it yet.

Cursing at five is not acceptable. It isn’t acceptable in school and it isn’t acceptable to another five year old.

If my child came home and asked me what a curse word meant because they heard it at school you are darn right I would let true school know.

Sorry OP but throwing in he may have ADHD doesn’t mean the kid has to curse.

Do I curse? Absolutely. Have I ever done it in front of my young child. Absolutely not. It’s not sanctimonious, it’s the way I choose to parent and still believe that kind of language is never acceptable to young children.

I don’t believe the parent is gossiping as you have claimed. And again let’s be honest we have all commented on something that happened at school to our mum friends.

I personally believe you are overreacting while minimising the swearing.

The best advice I can give is to direct the mum talking to everyone to the school to raise her grievance. If you were a friend and she was venting to you thats on thing but if she is actively seeking others out to moan that is completely different.

the best advice I can give you is that any issues in school stay in school and work with the school on them (they will have seen it all). As soon as you involve others or try and resolve with other parents (who you don’t necessarily know) it can all go wrong and blow up. Seen it recently in our school.

in the grand scheme of things swearing isn’t my biggest big bear, I’d happily invite a sweaty kid into my home over one that is nasty or sneaky.

None of that happened though and I would not tolerate that. You are generalising I think.

If you read the OP, there's no evidence of this mother 'gossiping' at all.

She's complaining about a 5 year old with a potty mouth.

But the OP's posts have been pretty hyperbolic on this thread, so I'm not surprised she's turned 'complaining' into 'gossiping' 🤷‍♂️

People communicate. If there is a child who swears frequently, or bites, or shoves, or (as they get older) bullies or starts showing other inappropriate behaviour, then people will talk about it.

If you are posting about a genuine situation, don't worry - people will be talking about something else soon enough. If you are a troll, I think you are overdoing it and your thread will go better if you dial it back 50%.

No, you now seem to be picking and choosing 'acceptable' swear words?

And you say 'none of it happened' but how do you know every swear word this boy has been using in school?

Tbh I think it sounds like you are the “sanctimonious mum”.

@motheroffour1980 You have got deeply involved in this and have made it public on a worldwide forum.

You patently are “ Throwing shade” as well , and gossiping.

Stay out of it.

I agree OP. Adults should not gossip nastily about young children or group together to isolate them, whatever their behaviour. Bad behaviour should be reported to the parents if outside school (in a matter-of-fact, not a nasty way) and the school if it happens within school.

I must admit to admiring the sang-froid of one mum at a school party who said to another one "I just thought I should let you know that your son has now hit mine for the third time. The first, his hand could have slipped, the second, well my son was being rather annoying. But my son has now got hold of a piece of wood and I think is contemplating whacking yours over the head. Shall we go and intervene? Glass of prosecco for the road?" 😂.

She is gossiping because she’s telling anyone who’ll listen. She’s delighted to share her views on this flawed child, despite her own daughter not being fazed. Glad to hear you’ve never let one slip in front of your child though, keep it up. Neither have I.
I do agree that exposing children to bad language is not ideal. However what I don’t agree on is adults sullying a child’s name possibly leading to his exclusion, rather than offering the space to remedy the situation, better himself etc.

I'm also struggling to understand why the OP is so deeply invested in this and spending so much time and brain space on it.

Stay away from her OP, sounds like she loves to gossip so who knows who she will target next. Must have a boring life to be stuck picking on a 5 year old for weeks.

Would you want someone to stand up for your child if they were the one being isolated?

Wow people are so upset about words - it’s the intent behind them that is the key thing. If someone is telling a story and uses the f word in a sentence it doesn’t bother me (it may even enhance the narrative) it’s just a word, or if they jokingly said f u I will likely laugh, but if someone uses curse words in an aggressive, threatening or condescending way then I am offended - it’s about context and tone. I do not get offended by words only the manner in which they are used and the intent behind them.

A five year old is likely just mimicking and doesn’t understand that they are in a country that deems cursing the worst possible sin. I wouldn’t ban my child from playing with a curser but I would mention it to the parents and correct the child when he/she is playing at my house. My three year old spent a week trying to say “For F’s sake” after she heard her dad saying it and was so pleased when she managed to pronounce it - we had a good few days of trying to encourage her to stop which make her say it more as it was fun to say something that gets people annoyed so eventually we just ignored her and it stopped.

17 years ago I was in a house share where a girl was so offended by people using curse words that she wanted to introduce a swear jar - this same girl would fly into a rage and violently throw things at her partner in an almost daily basis - someone saying “bloody hell” was apparently offensive but throwing shoes at people’s heads was okay. They’ve gone on ti have kids and I would be a lot more worried about her kids now then my other housemate’s who used colourful language.

Same reasons you are here arguing your points.

OP you sound very upset and disproportionately angry over a seemingly non issue. I think taking a step back would help here instead of wanting to argue with people who don’t agree with you.

Also, you kinda lose the argument with me when you resort to passive aggressive comments.

If there’s any sanctimonious halo polishing going on it’s by you, not the grumpy mum. You’ve posted to get people to praise your saintly fair mindedness. It’s very silly.

It's a tricky one. I agree that she shouldn't be gossiping about a child. But in many ways I'd appreciate knowing as I wouldn't allow my child to socialise outside of school with a five year old that swears as to me that is indicative of poor parenting. A child that age shouldn't have heard swearing (except I guess overheard in the bus or whatever) so the fact they've heard it enough to copy it would mean I wouldn't trust those parents with my child.

Because you didn't say that. Your entire OP was about this one particular woman. It's not clear from what you say whether other parents are talking about it purely in a 'Don't start Donna off about X and swearing' way or whether they share her outrage or are threatening to show up at his house with pitchforks or something.

I wouldn't give it another thought. The best thing you can do all round is not give it any oxygen. 'I'm going to stop you there, Donna. How was your weekend?' or 'Not this again. Did you see Traitors last night?'

I'm the sort of person who'd challenge someone gently on this. I do it when friends moan about 'that kid' in their own situations. But it will cause problems if the lady in question is ' queen bee' and you want to be part of her gang. ( Yes it's just like school for the grown ups).

In this situation, I wouldn't like this woman. I would say, ' I'm sure he'll grow out of it and the school will be dealing with this. I think we need to remember that he is 5 and we don't know what's going on. Must be tough for his mum '

The person in question,being a child herself in an adult body, wouldn't like being held accountable so might start being unpleasant to you if you did that. You have many years of school and it would be easier to keep out of it.

Just don't gossip and don't engage in any talk of it and then you are in your own way upholding your values on it.

It’s a concept known in some circles as “caring about the wellbeing of a child.”

I think you're right. It's very likely that this child has sworn maybe once or twice and it's all been blown out of proportion.

It's also very likely that the mum hasn't personally heard the boy curse, the allegation came from the daughter. At five years old, kids say all sorts of things. My DD in reception keeps recalling the same story over and over like it's happened that day.

100% a smear campaign.

Just stay out of it. She's informed the teacher, they will be dealing with it. No need for you to get involved at all.

I'd upvote this comment x20 if I could.I was going to write precisely this, but you have already done so for me. 'Caustic' is absolutely the right word for adults gossiping about children.

OP, your feelings toward this are right, IMO, but involving yourself won't lead anywhere good and will just inflame the situation further. I would always ask myself what the desired end result would be if I confronted the person concerned or involved the school. I can't see how this would help in this occasion. I'd not involve myself further at all in your shoes, but would certainly ask any other parents who approached me about it not to discuss another child with me.

All very distasteful.