Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

Why are you giving this a second thought? Either the swearing is a serious issue and she's right to raise it, or she's the class parent loon with a monomania about this particular child, and you just say 'Hi, Penelope' and then pretend you have to make a phone call every time you encounter her.

So all the parents are gossiping about a little boy. Nice 🙄

If you have a problem with one of the kids talk to rhe school. It's really nasty to tell all the other parents about it and get that little boy ostracised.

I'm not a fan of swearing And I'd prefer if my kids didn't have to hear it at school but it's not the worst thing unless he is being nasty or violent and even then I don't see why you'd tell all the other parents rather than just the school.

Apologies for quoting rhe op. Can't seem to take the quote out when editing.

But this is one particular woman. No one else among the class parents seems to be that bothered.

That was a really long way of essentially asking, is it right that parents gossip about other people's children? No, but we all do it. No, there is no guidance around this, it's just life.

How do you expect this issue to remain private, between the parent and the school? If the kid is swearing in public, it's not something that's going to remain private, is it?

Do I think the other mum is over the top complaining about it to the school? Yes, because I would hope the school is already taking some action. No, I don't think you should talk to the class teacher about another parent complaining that a child is swearing. One gossipy parent isn't going to influence future playdates. Parents hearing their own child come home from school and complain that little Johnny spat at the teacher for the fifth time that week, or Julie was sent to the principal for swearing every day for the last month is what will influence a parent's decision over whether to invite Johnny or Julie over for a playdate.

Every child will utter a 'curse' word in their life as you well know.

Regularly effing and blinding at the age of 5 is a completely different matter (again, as you well know).

Nothing to do with 'the culture of Perfect Sanctimonious Mums' and you obviously know that too.

Meanwhile your this child needs some sort of intervention, rather than silly hyperbole.

Seems a bit mean for everyone to but gossiping about a five year old. I mean he’s learning it from somewhere after all.
Probably best left to the teacher to sort out with parents though.

You will get that though, and probably right through school. I would keep my own counsel about it, and model how you would like others to act. Accept though that you cannot expect people to act in the same way as you. The only thing you have in common with the other 58 or so parents is that you children were born in the same school year.

I don't understand how behavioural issues would make a child that young swear?

There's plenty of kids with issues at my daughter's school. They're disruptive in class and on a few occasions they hit/kicked/punched my daughter, but they don't swear. Swearing is arguably more minor, but if it's constant it must come from home/parents. I asked my nearly 6 year old what swear words she knows, and the only one she could think of is 'bastard'. She has some signs of ADHD, so isn't a particularly well behaved kid, but she's not been exposed to much swearing.

No nobody knew , this mother is the one who told everyone , individually. Taking her time going person to person making sure she lets them all know what a BAD child this is, even though her daughter is unfazed. It’s not mine, just feel for the little lad being gossiped about

I agree. Sadly poor parenting that will affect him in more serious ways through life. On MN you'll frequently see mothers that cannot string a sentence together without using the F word at least once. If picked up on it then you get a tirade of F words too.
I recall walking through town hand in hand with my toddlers and the family in front all F this and that.

Unfortunately ime the playground vibe amongst certain parents can be toxic.
My advice would be not to engage with those conversations. Just practice listening without commenting - it's not difficult.

Presumably if this child is swearing his head off in class, the teacher will be intervening with appropriate guidance for him.

I would be neither encouraging nor discouraging a friendship with my child, if I was in your shoes. If the child was to swear on a playdate with mine, I'd just be saying "we don't use that word here" and move on.

Best not to get caught up in the drama. Gossipy mum does sound a nightmare. Keep your distance.

Her daughter being unfazed is neither here nor there.

If this 5 year old walks up to her tomorrow and calls her a little cunt, is that still ok because she's unfazed?

What about misogynistic swearwords like 'slut', 'bitch', or 'whore'?

Still ok as long as it doesn't faze her?

People gossip. It's the same on every school playground around the world. My advice would be. Earbuds in, smile and say hello, goodbye, have a nice weekend, etc. Don't get Involved.

Not my child, and the one in question maybe has Tourette’s or another issue. If so could you kindly show some empathy?
Could you also show some intelligence and stop assuming it’s my child.

What swearing is she claiming as some people think ‘oh my god’ is swearing so there is a big difference between that and ‘fuck off you cunt”?

Some of them are bothered. You’re not the one who know’s these people, seriously? You’re picking apart little bits of what I’ve written rather than taking into account the main issue which is adults gossiping about a child.

After my child being sworn at in a really horrible way I would absolutely not invite that child to a play date. I did mention it to a couple of mums in the playground too.

I feel like the group chat is not appropriate.
As someone else has said, if this child is doing this regularly then most kids will have already told their parents. If I was concerned I would mention to the teachers that my child had heard swearing however the other child's needs would be confidential. It is likely that in this situation the teacher is more than aware of the child's language and there is likely to be follow ups (maybe the children just haven't mentioned them or are aware of the bigger picture e.g. if an extra adult is being brought into the room).
We generally have a strategy of ignore initially (especially if it's quiet) but if the child swears loudly then a procedure is followed to help support the child, as this shows something has upset them.

I’m not sure the level, but I know that it’s just cursing and not picking on anyone. He seems to be nice to everyone otherwise. Regardless, do people honestly think this warrants exclusion from parties etc!? Shocking!

That’s the school playground though. Gossip central.

Be it swearing, nits, late, no nuts, the child that hits, the child who gets all the best parts, the child who gets away with murder, the one using all the ta time.

It’s just a gossipy bitchy fest. Join in or don’t are your options. Moaning to the teacher won’t do anything about it.

I mean - there are kids in my children's class who swear - my child came home one day and told me XXX told them to ' fuck right off' when asked if they could join in a game with them. My younger child then heard this, and asked me if they 'could fuck off' as well. This is how they learn most things in school - from friends. I would categorically NOT like my children to hear or repeat stuff like this. The parents of said kid also swears like a trooper - to the child, so i get it. Playdates? No Thanks.

im not sure it warrants exclusions from parties, but would you be happy if you invited this child to your childs party, and he repeated called everyone a fucker, a wanker or a cunt?

If she is gossiping about a child who swears.........what else is she gossiping about?? Steer well clear and certainly don't tell her anything you wouldn't want to be repeated.

its fine to have a quiet word with the teacher or the childs parents, but going around talking about it to all the parents is a bit shit.

especially as they're the parents of all his class mates which could isolate him, he's five!

That’s fair enough, however in this case his is more casual swearing. He’s not targeting anyone or being mean.
However I still don’t think it’s helpful to amplify these situations by dragging them out and telling other parents possibly also polluting them against the child who did the bad deed instead of giving him the space to recover and change for the better.