Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

So, we're 11 pages into this thread and now you mention you've invited the boy for a play date? Did you mean this to be a drip-feed?
So how often did he swear at these play dates? And if he didn't, why haven't you told gossipy mum to button it because she shouldn't be gossiping about a very young child and he was perfectly well-behaved in your home?

No need for that @B0xes

No need for what?

I think that your comment looks/sounds a bit condescending and was unnecessary for the pp

Well, I'm and expert in what's condescending and what isn't soooooo

I do feel a lot of people on here must be in a self contained bubble. All it takes is a few older kids picking it up and experimenting with it or a parent saying something in the heat of the moment. If everyone ignored it and didn’t respond to a child who swore… it would just stop. The behaviour perpetuates precisely because children will do things which get attention - any attention.

I do find it a bit funny all the emphasis on swearing. So a child could be kind, smart and loving but say a swear word occasionally or get angry and one slips out and is ostracised? A bit over the top.

The more you jump on and police language and react to it, the worse it gets. It needs to be ignored and then no one would do it because there would be no reaction.

OP I’ve just made a point similar to yours. I find it ironic actually. Your post is because you are trying to see other perspectives and be open-minded. This should be applauded but instead, many are outing themselves because of how closed-minded they are.

I would rather my child be around someone with a potty mouth who was genuinely kind than a child who is polite and superficially nice, to fit in. Honestly.

I also feel too that the point of your OP was lost. Your point was less the right or wrong about a child of 5 swearing, rather the damaging effect of gossiping about a small child who can’t really defend him/herself. I must admit I think it’s unlikely the child has Tourette’s. Most likely picked up from older kids in the playground (smarter children learn faster but they also learn the wrong things faster sometimes too) or from an unfortunate moment from a sibling, parent or other family member.

However, agree that the correct course of action is to take it to the teacher. Not spread the gossip around. Personally I think I would mention it to the parent. So often there’s a clueless so and so left in the dark because everyone talks behind their back and not to their face. It can be done diplomatically. You don’t even need to mention swearing specifically. Just ‘I thought you should know X has made some comments saying your child has said some rude words to theirs. I’m sure it isn’t true but thought you’d like to know, in case you want to discuss it with them. You’d have to ask her for the details about it, but I thought you’d want to know. I’d want to know if it was my child.’ Then leave it with the parent to deal with.

If I child is engaging in problematic behaviour? Be honest with the parent and/or teacher and nip it in the bud. Everyone is a winner. Gossiping and adding toxic energy? Everyone loses. As a society we need to be working together, working as a team to help support one another and get a grip. It’s swear words, not beating up another child.

Yup. I do hold a child to that expectation of not using language like that at the age of five. Not self righteousness or morally superior just raising my kid to not know those words at that age and be polite

Well if you home educate you can do that, up until the point when they socialise with other kids and shock horror hear naughty words!

You might not (think you are) be self-righteous or morally superior but you are as sure as hell deluded!

Nope not deluded at all but thanks for the judgement. I have kids in their teens who never swore at home or around me and certainly didn’t know those words at the age of five. Because it isn’t delusional to think five year olds shouldn’t say the f word.

And yes they go to state school and play kids of sports so they aren’t isolated. Do they swear now? Sure. But we are talking about five year old reception kids. Not teenagers or even 9 year olds.

Pathetic.

I think the main issue of this whole post has always been about the mother’s reaction, not the child swearing. Some people seem to be missing the main point!
I am yet to see a comment where someone thinks it’s okay for children to swear.
It is the mother’s horrible reaction and abuse of her righteousness in the situation to the detriment of the child, that is what astounds me.

I agree OP it is off topic. I was being called deluded, sanctimonious, living in a bubble and self righteous because my kid didn’t swear at five hence my post here.

OP, your inference was clear but missing the point of threads is a real MN thing.🙄

We both know that spreading rumors, particularly when done to bring about the social exclusion of a child, is a form of bullying.

You come across as another member of the ‘be kind’ under any and all circumstances brigade. Anyone who disagrees with your righteous assessment and judgement is wrong, or luny or nasty or a bully.
You make extremely derogatory remarks about a fellow school mum because she has made remarks/given warnings about a child constantly swearing - oh the irony.
Your question about feelings to another 5 year old is so irrelevant - her mother does not want her to hear, repeat and learn this vocabulary, the child’s feelings in this context are not the issue. What would your response have been had she replied I thought it was funny? Perhaps if people weren’t so permissive problems could actually be addressed. Where does your permissive attitude end, loads of swearing, female derogatory based swearing, a bit of pushing, a slap, a punch?
It is actually in this child’s interest to be helped and guided to know swearing has consequences. When he stops swearing he is no doubt really welcome to socialise with the other children on play dates, at parties etc. Parenting is not just blithely allowing everything in the interest of short term perceived kindness.

So when you make mistakes in life I hope you get ostracised and gossiped about, according to your atttitude.
Of course the child needs help! With the relevant teachers, principal and parents involved. The whole school community does not need to be pulled aside one by one as the controlling and manipulative saintly Mum makes it worse for the poor kid and perpetuates a non-forgiveness, highly punitive culture on mere tots.
Your remark is little bit dichotomous. You have escalated from a child swearing to delusions of punching, no where did I say the child did that nor would I condone. You’re completely missed the nuance, but maybe you choose to.
If you’re labelling me part of a “be kind” brigade then thanks I’ll take it, the world needs more kindness and tolerance than ever. So to look at it in black and white then, should I label you part of the “self-righteous, pontificating, bully mum brigade”?

should I label you part of the “self-righteous, pontificating, bully mum brigade”?
yes, because a parent looking out for their own child is exactly that. 🙄

I have been warned in the past about a child swearing and being inappropriate (a bit older). Like everyone else, I was grateful and did forbid my kids to play online games or communicate with them.

The only circumstances I have control over are who my kids are in contact with. It's my job to monitor this. Of course they know about swearing, how would they recognise that it's swearing in the first place otherwise?

Is a child going to be "traumatised" because they hear fuck or cunt? Of course not. Is it appropriate? Obviously not!

That’s the key here -
“control over are who my kids are in contact with”.
Maybe you should step back and let them develop their own social skills for handling cursing kids or difficult kids with a bit of balance and measure instead of jumping to cancel them.

All children copy what they hear. That’s how my 4 year old dd came out with the F word, after hearing it from much older boys on the school bus. (This was not in the U.K.).
She had no idea that it rude.
I once said ‘balls’ at the dinner table, having heard it from a girl at school (1st year senior).
I was told firmly by my DF that it was NOT a word to use, especially not in mixed company! 😂
I had no idea why - what was rude about balls - tennis, football, etc?

It was some time before anyone filled me in!

It won't be the kid's fault. He's probablee got aaay dee aitch deeeee

So now you feel you have the right to accuse me of being a bully because I would not want a 5 year old under my supervision to be exposed to a play date full of expletives. Or is it simply I dare to not totally agree with you? Your posts are very aggressive and you are coming across as quite the dictatorial bully yourself OP.

Why do you need to castigate a fellow mum instead of trying to help the situation?

In my previous response I’m advocating play dates when behaviour changes and I will now add to this I would (and have) happily worked with other parents to help them get there, just as other mums have worked with me when my child got it wrong. Unlike you, I would not simply ignore the issue and allow my child to be exposed to foul language as if it were normal and OK and then also start bad mouthing the worried mum. You are yourself inflaming a tricky situation and amplifying the noise around something that needs to be minimised and one which will no doubt soon be sorted between the parents and school.
Why do you accuse me of saying the child has gone further than swearing when you know very well I have not done so. I have simply questioned where you would draw the line, if anywhere.
Being performatively kind under any circumstances is no compliment as it usually results in someone else being adversely affected/hurt.

Stay out of it. No one's children are perfect and all children can be very unpredictable! This mum will learn !

They learn to "handle" kids at schools and in clubs, no need to encourage friendship, but thank you for the advice 😁

I don't understand the outrage from the gossipy mum but I also don't get the outrage from other parents about play dates.

If a child was round your house on a play date and they swore they would simply be corrected the same as if your own kids did it? I can accept some mum's don't want this kid around theirs and I don't have an issue with that but it just seems a huge fuss over something quite easily solved.

"Traumatised" "cancelled" etc, these are 5 year olds ! Storm in a teacup.

You know OP, if this thread has done anything, it's kept the most unhinged bullies on Mumsnet occupied and out of everyone else's way for the better part of a week. All good things come to an end though. Soon, the same people grunting with approval at an adult systematically bullying a child will be off trolling some single mother or domestic abuse victim on another thread.

And yes, if you support a school mum carrying out a whisper campaign against a five year old, I'm talking about you. You need to work on not being awful.