Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

Point of order: Tourette['s] Syndrome is a disorder involving mostly involuntary tics. I had a colleague with a mild form of it — if you sat across from him in a meeting you would start to notice little twitches and an occasional noise similar to clearing one's throat slightly.

Despite the popular portrayal of Tourette's, most people with it do not shout obscenities uncontrollably ("coprolalia"). And if a child of 5 was to have it, the school would have contacted the parents very quickly because it would be hugely disruptive in class, and the OP would probably not be reporting that they were happy in class and making friends.

So the behaviour being described here is presumably a child with a few Fs and Cs in their vocabulary. That's not great, but it does sound like the woman who is briefing all the other parents about it needs to find another hobby.

What a nasty bully. An adult, picking on a child; how cowardly. I bet the other parents mostly feel the same way as you but probably just want to keep out of it. If she mentions it to you again, I would laugh and ask her why she is so obsessed with this. She should be ashamed of herself.

I would probably invite the boy to a play date, perhaps with a couple of others and afterwards, I would make sure I tell everyone who will listen what a great kid he is.

After years of Primary schools with my kids, I still stand by what I believe: I'd stay well away from all the drama. It means staying well away from you 😂

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know?
Is that even a question?

Don't you think the teachers are better things to do and are busy enough dealing with your.. CHILD, which should be the priority. What do you want the poor teacher to do? Mrs XYZ, MRS ABC is complaining about you, please be nice? 😂

No, there's no guidelines, just be a grown up.

There's always someone over-involved. The other mum is talking, let her talk. It seems she's being factual. It's not a secret and she's not breaking any confidentiality, any child in the class will report the bad language to their parents.

I wouldn't invite a swearing boy to my kids parties either. Judge away, I couldn't care less.

Gossip is toxic especially when this kid isn't there to defend himself but I do agree with this bit. If someone warns the kid that people might not want to be his friend if he keeps doing this it will help him change so he won't end up isolated and bullied.

You must be mad if you think people aren’t going to conclude from this that it’s your kid. Cos otherwise, frankly, you’re just as bad as the “gossip” mum giving it this much attention. And you know an awful lot about him being a good kid but potentially ADHD when your kid only started recently….?

Do me a favour…. You asked the Mum how her daughter felt being sworn at/infront of? If you disagreed with the gossip you would have shut it down rather than try and gleans this info!?

And she “mumbled” in reply, despite thriving on gossip?!

Unless, of course, this was you talking to the mum ahout your own kid….

Come clean OP; it’s fine! Just apologise, stop swearing at home and he will fade it out too ;) x

But according to @motheroffour1980 if you’re 5 jewels says he or she is fine with the kid cursing then you don’t need to do anything, your child decides lol.

He’s probably picking up the language from home, that’s the problem, kids just repeat what they hear

I do think the mum is being a bit nasty by continually saying it, he is a child!

OP, you’ve broken the golden rule of Mumsnet; never bring up bullying on this site unless you want to attract a bunch of bullies.

They always show up to defend their own.

It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.
Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

• don’t want to talk about it
• ……proceeds to ask probing question to the gossip monger

Okay OP

Nope, for the last time not mine, just want to promote a kinder culture.
I did try to shut it down.
She mumbled because she realised her daughter was fine with it all, it was she who had the problem! And her daughter was not sworn at, no where did I say that, please re-read rather than filling in blanks with your own narrative.

by 'bullies' you mean people disagreeing with the OP?

Who is literally gossiping on a public forum against another mum she's accusing of "gossiping"😂😂

Playground drama at its best.

Probably as she is enjoying smearing the mother who doesn’t like the swearing, by posing as “ Concerned for the sweary kid”

To suggest that the cussing 🤬 boy will be excluded is ludicrous.

Kids aren’t excluded for cussing, but one wonders what his home life is like.

I'm with you here. Who wants to demonise a five year old? I might have a private word with the class teacher. We had a different but related situation, years ago, with a very sweary mum. She was known for it and otherwise a good person. When DS came home saying that one of his friends wasn't allowed out because SM had 'sworn at him' - she hadn't. It was just her normal mode of speech - I managed to explain the difference between swearing at and just habitually using swear words in the course of conversation. Not a good idea, and not something he should copy, but not a hanging offence either. DS accepted it and found it quite interesting!

I wouldn't be expecting anyone to stand up for my child except me, but the OP is adamant that it's not her child, so...

I certainly don't have enough time to be overthinking this much about a stranger's child who I don't know either.

How is chewing the fat on a public forum 'standing up for the child'?

An anonymous forum, which exists to support parents and advise them in navigating tricky situations surrounding parenting.

This is the key distinction being missed here.

I asked her that pointedly to move the topic away from her opinion to focus instead on her daughter’s wellbeing, who is otherwise fine.
It was also my way of moving the topic away from bitching about the lad, while other parents happily did!

But you have enough time to spend on here also!

I agree with you OP.
It should have been dealt with between the parents and the teachers.
Sure it’s awful for a 5 year old to be swearing and I’d raise it with school and tbh, avoid my dc playing with them, i can but it’s just nasty gossip going around the playground and spreading this around.

OP, you come across as though you like drama. You seem to be looking for it. I think the problem might be with you, not the other mum.

Well this mum wants him excluded, please re-read. And the parents are all taking what she says very seriously. I don’t condone cursing either but she is so wrong.

There is something not quite right about this. How does this mother know the little boy is swearing everyday?
By her own admission her daughter isn’t bothered so it seems most unlikely to me that she would come out of school each day and comment about him swearing
I’m with OP here it was totally wrong of this mum to go gossiping to other mums about the little lad in question. If she was so concerned about it then a quiet word with his mum (if she was brave enough) and the teacher who surely would be aware anyway if it was such a common occurrence would have been enough
The consequences of her badmouthing him are plain to see - there are plenty of mums who post on here sad about their children not being invited to parties or play dates and I’ve never seen amongst the suggestions that this could perhaps be as a result of parental gossip which may not even be true.
i might not feel as much sympathy for the child if I heard him effing and blinding with my own ears but to exclude him from invitations purely on the basis of what could be unreliable hearsay seems very wrong to me.

But Devilspawn hasn’t started a thread smearing and gossiping- Can’t you see the hypocrisy of your post?

Keep your nose out of it
Unless cussing kid is actually YOUR child…

How do you think you, and the other mums, could improve this boy's behaviour? You could invite him to play dates with your child and correct his swearing but, if he hears these words regularly at home, it's not going to make much difference.

I agree gossip, particularly about children, is unpleasant. However, if you don't challenge it as it happens you're kinda encouraging it. When you hear talk about this boy you could say "He seems a nice boy apart from the language" but other parents are probably still not going to want him around their 5 year olds.

I agree OP. She sounds awful, as do the people defending her on this thread. Poor kid.