Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

I’m going to go out on a limb and say the parent carrying out a whisper campaign against a five-year-old is going to create more problems for the teacher in the long run than a five-year-old who says bad words.

Of course, this rests on the premise that bullying is bad and not, in fact, a useful way of identifying social undesirables at an early age. Which is to say, about 20 percent of the people on this site will strongly disagree, which will somehow amount to 80 percent of the people on any thread about bullying.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either, OP. YANBU.
He's only 5! She needs to take her concerns to the school, rather than bitch about him to everyone else. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth for sure.

A 5 year old swearing is a potential safeguarding issue. They are being exposed to material they should not be.

Children are not born knowing swear words, regardless of nurodiversity, someone is exposing them to it with sufficient regularity for them to learn and normalise tge words.

If the school is fulfilling it's safeguarding responsibilities this will all be recorded on their school systems and the child will be monitored.

It isn't a leap, it is a safeguarding flag. Exposure to inappropriate material would be a concern. A good school will be flagging the child's cursing. 5 year olds should not have a library of swear words at their disposal.

You heard about this “slander” from a number of other parents before this mum even said anything to you. Why are you not up in arms at those other mums who are also spreading the gossip and “dragging you into the conversation”? You’ve now even started a thread about it.

At least this mum has spoken to the teacher about her concerns. Not sure why the rest of you are on such a high horse - you all seem complicit in spreading this around.

A five year old swearing is a potential safeguarding issue, although not one necessarily helped by reporting it to every parent you meet, rather than simply to the class teacher. An adult bullying a child, however, is a definite safeguarding issue.

Some adults swear. It doesn't make them bad people. A five year old copying some bad words is no big deal - kids of that age often repeat what they hear. It's horrifying that so many on this thread would try to socially isolate a five year old because of an occasional bad word.

My asd daughter copied swear words from my mother (who has dementia). This caused all manner of nasty gossip and disinvitations from the other school mums. She was devastated. Adults bullying a disabled child is truly the lowest of the low.

@user243245346 it's only when you work regularly with ND kids or are a parent of one do you see how massively common this swearing thing is ( with guidance and explanation it's addressed most the time. But it takes additional explanations and support because the instinctive social awareness regards language is not there!)

Adults swear, teenagers down the park swear nonstop. Who here thinks their little angels don't hear that,come on. The difference is that most know at an instinctive level early on that the reaction to any swear words out their mouth will be reacted to so strongly they won't do it lightly ever again! Every child knows this. It isn't necessarily because parents are so wonderful. Mine certainly were not but I knew instinctively quickly that I needed not swear in school, around adults and knew other kids would tell parents. So I towed the line like most kids do.

There will be loads of kids popping out the odd swear word and they will learn fast not to. The school will jump on it quickly.

Without any other flags to safeguarding against this child, if they swear like a trooper, I'd be saying something else is going on. I would have appeared a walking safeguarding red flag until it started to become obvious my own child is ND.

Parents very often don't want their kids around ND kids and that's absolutely ok. It's only human and I would probably have felt the same were my own child NT. ND kids and parents very often gel together much better anyways and I've preferred that myself. That's often what's at the heart of the social reaction we see here with gossip school mum and any of her cling ons.

Is the mum white and the boy black?

A 5 year old should not be regularly swearing. Its a reflection of poor parenting if allowing your child to be around that sort of language enough to pick it up.

You need to raise this with school and have them shut her down as it is bullying. She raised her concerns with school but by continuing she's creating an isolation environment for the child who we don't know why he swears. Sometimes it's to show off to see if it gets friends ( shy kids do use this )
So report her to school and ask to be anonymous as she's the attentions stick stir that thinks she is the playground authority on all. Stop her while you can.

Op you say you want a "kinder culture" but what you seem to want is for everyone to tolerate bad behaviour. Even a 5 year old with tourettes won't use foul language if they've never heard it, they are more likely to tic with age appropriate "naughty" words like poo or bum. Children who swear predominantly hear foul language at home/in the family.

Adults swear, teenagers down the park swear nonstop. Who here thinks their little angels don't hear that,come on.

Among my family and friends we do not swear much at all and never around children. I don't take my children to the sorts of places where there are foul mouthed teenagers hanging around. Our local village park does not have any except in the evenings when young children aren't around. I would not take a young child to places like football terraces etc where they might hear inappropriate language and be prone to repeat it.

I maintain, the vast majority of young children who swear regularly have parents who swear at home.

No I don’t want everyone to tolerate bad behavior, where did I say that? In fact, I don’t agree with the child swearing at all. My biggest issue is with the grown adult woman who is making sure that every parent knows what an awful child he is, when it could be handled with more class and kindness.

Shelter your child from the world should they ever hear a swear word?!
And if this kids parents do swear, then it’s not really his fault then is it.
Do you really think that an adult should sully the poor kids name amongst the school community rather than discreetly reporting him?

So, you know all this because...you're gossiping with the other Mums. About another Mum. And, about a kid.
Cool story.
And, please don't pull the ADHD card. My daughters and all of the other kids with ADHD I know don't swear. Not even my 2nd cousin with Tourettes.
Close your mouth and ears and concentrate on your own child who seems to be settling in nicely.

I applaud your message. Sure it isn’t great but no need to gossip about it. Also while swearing isn’t great, honestly they all experiment with it at some point. Clever children are often more prone to do it as they pick it up faster from older children in the playground who think it is cool to swear. The bigger the deal, the worse it gets. Physical injury is very different but, even then, at a young age I’d be more concerned that the child’s emotional needs were not being met and/or a supervision issue than blaming the child per se.

@PerditaLaChien I find it hard to believe. We live in a very ' respectable ' area here. You will never avoid hearing swearing at some point if you're out and about living a full life. It's not a bad thing. It's a great opportunity in fact to actually say ' people swear and it isn't something most people like. It's best not to swear.' Problem solved really.

Just to add too - agree with you completely. Adults are the worst bullies. I once knew of a parent who would invite and regularly uninvite children for parties at the whim of her spoilt child.

With swearing? It gets attention. Ignore it and eventually it disappears anyway. It’s hilarious anyway. Swearing is essentially a bunch of fricatives and plosives. My favourite lesson when I was young was a class where we got to create our own swear words.

I’m not gossiping about the mum. I heard about all this through other mums, as well as the one herself. I came on here ANONYMOUSLY seeking advise and I’ve received plenty from some clever, kind people thankfully.
I’m not pulling any “card” as you say. I made a suggestion that the poor child COULD have a disorder hence why the mother in question could have handled the situation with more discretion and class.
Thats wonderful the kids you know don’t swear. That’s ideal and I agree that swearing is inappropriate. I merely highlighted how this ADULT woman is handling this situation so badly, inappropriately and unkindly and possibly making it worse for the poor CHILD while dragging everyone else into a bullying situation where she gets to be righteous and sanctimonious whilst the struggling child is ostracised.

I mean this in the nicest possible way OP - but you seem a little overly invested in another person's child. I'd just ignore it all.

@Crazycatlady79 it's incredibly common and it took me time to understand it. Once explained and understood, many won't continue. It is not a reflection on the kids or the parents, most of whom are hilarious, great fun people. I'm using massive generalisations which are tricky and offensive. The explanation regarding swearing I have given with ND kids makes complete sense. ( Again not all kids because this is a sweeping generalisation ).

Some of the greatest kids I've met here, authentic, genuine, incredibly intelligent, integrity, loyalty and see through all the nonsense and conditioning are ND. And they've dropped the odd f and c bomb and it's absolutely hilarious.

This pearl clutching on here is also hilarious. If people don't want their kids around that I absolutely understand and respect it. It's shocking and embarrassing in public and we care so much what people think of us don't we really.

I'm derailing OPs thread - who has done a runner anyway so hopefully won't mind 🤷‍♀️😆

sounds like good parenting to me to have standards on who your kids become friends with.

It can work in any direction, there's enough reverse snobbery on this forum to show it.

No need to be so angry and taking it so personal, no one here said they were "perfect".

Actually it sounds controlling and overly involved helicopter parenting to be micro managing who your child plays with. Not to mention unfair on the children in the class who get left out because YOU (and not your child) make their social decisions. Making it all about YOU!
I hope your perfect angel never touches weed, acts disruptive in class, participates in underage drinking, or breaks any of life’s rules.