Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

You're not coming across as overly caring though, just really really defensive and with a lot of hyperbolic language.

I think that's why so many are assuming it's your child.

Calling me hyperbolic when you’re in fact massively exaggerating and creating false delusions that it’s my child in order to fit your narrative!
Assume away …

I agree, OP is very dramatic without any self awareness, so I’m betting these “gossipy mums” are probably very normal and the OP is the actual mother of sweary child.

Another deluded loon! Assume all you like!
Even if it was my child it wouldn’t make any of it right.
You obviously identify with bully mum, well done! You keep on judging your way through life and it’ll only give yourself and your child anxiety trying to maintain your higher standards as you look down on others!

I can understand OPs strength of feelings here. I can understand that without feeling it has to be her own to feel so annoyed.

One mum being a first class gobshite at the school gate; I can get that would be annoying and more. If she's the queen bee, that can be very unpleasant for anyone who has to associate and can't escape. I would find that difficult myself.

We know school mums can be deranged. It isn't a stretch. Poor little lad. Potty mouth or not, I've got time to defend 5 year olds.

Thank you. Yes, it is all of this!

but apart from that, it's not your child 😂

I do find it amusing that you call people who disagree with you "bully".

The only one who is agitated here is you.

If it was in my kids school, I would ignore the other mum and you in the same way.

No, I call people who sympathise with the mum in question bullies.
I’m all on for disagreement, why else would I post here seeking other opinions!
Nice to see your attitude though. If you see a child in trouble or distress and if it’s not yours, then sure just look the other way!

You're 'all on' for disagreement, yet only those who agree with you are 'decent'? 😳

I came here for advise and happy to see most decent people agree with me.

Well (if this really isn't your child) as you clearly feel so very strongly then why don't you make a point of having your own child be friends with this child, play with him, invite him on play dates and just lead the way to educating all the other Mum's that you feel need educating.

OR he isn't really swearing and not every day and just said 'jesus christ' or 'crap' a couple of times and a Mammy has her knickers in a twist over it. I mean if a 5vyr old is telling classmates to fuck off or using the word fuck every day no one would need to report it would they? The teacher couldn't possibly miss it, aside from anything else half the class would be running to tell her

I’m with you and sadly the lack of empathy I am hearing here doesn’t surprise me. People quick to label and make judgements. I have an ND child who happens to be well behaved but I am informed enough to understand that other children can’t always restrain themselves and their behaviour is often reflective of their life experiences or ND/SEND. It’s ok for someone to raise this and be concerned about the impact on their own child, it’s not ok to gossip with others and label this child as ‘bad’. That’s just mean and sets a bad example. She should have raised directly and discreetly with the school. If parents are showing so little empathy for anyone other than their own child then I dread to think what kind of society we are becoming.

@motheroffour1980 You respond to lots of people's posts on here OP, but you've not replied to mine, so I'm reposting it (above) in the hope you'll provide clarification to my questions. (You'll see from it that I agree with you about gossipy mum.)

This exactly. I’d also wonder what other age inappropriate information or behaviours this child had learned from his feckless parents and certainly wouldn’t want my child exposed to it.

Again different if actually sen, but OP hasn’t said they are, just whataboutisms.

I I heard about all this through other mums, as well as the one herself. heard about all this through other mums, as well as the one herself.

You're implying that you're a passive recipient within this, but you haven't highlighted where you've shut these conversations down.

You're part of the problem if you don't do the latter. Never mind virtue signalling on Mumsnet.

YABU.

He’s not a close friend of his and I’ve never heard him curse. I’ve only been around him a couple of times and what I gather he’s lovely.

I have shut down the conversations… every time.
Thanks for the virtue signalling comment, I think that’s funny given the subject I am talking about.

What makes you assume the child’s parents are feckless? I haven’t witnessed any other behaviours nor cursing so for all I know the mum is a liar about of all it. It’s funny the conclusions some people jump to.

You say you have shut the other mum down - how? Have you said I don't think it is appropriate to gossip about a 5 year old or shun them when there maybe reasons they are regularly swearing and I find it distasteful for a child to be maligned like this or have you just stood there and asked what her daughter though?

How do you know if it was news to you the kid was swearing that it is not aimed at anyone and he is otherwise lovely? Are you friends with his parents or know the child? How do you know he is lovely and just likes to curse? Surely if you knew him well enough to know he is lovely you would know if he had Tourette's etc?

I don't think it is right parents bitch about a small child but they have every right to not want their own child copying his behaviour which is likely to happen if they have him round to play

OP, I kind of agree with you. To ruin a young child's reputation now can have a detrimental long term impact on the child. The best thing the mother could have done is just report to the school.

That said though, my son's class has a little boy who swears and says vulgar things (apparently). I've heard this from a close 'mum friend', bits from my own son, and I've also seen some of this myself. I've not spoken to anyone else about these behaviours, but I would think twice about having a playdate and I wouldn't want my son to get too close to him - purely because my own son is no saint and I think would copy and get in trouble himself. So maybe that makes me a bit of a hypocrite. But I do agree that gossiping to loads of parents, bad mouthing a child, is unfair.

I had a son who was seen as the naughty kid when he was 4 years old and he was excluded socially and gossiped about by a clique of mothers. I would have been so grateful for a parent like you. YANBU.

Yep, or has a vendetta against the parent she is critiquing herself. For a caring person the OP responses are very argumentative.

No one in real life accepts a child cursing whatever that even means at their 5 year old child.

This behaviour from mums annoys me so much. If she has a problem with the child swearing at her child, has she spoke to the child’s parent to find out why?
she probably hasn’t but happy to tell every other child’s parent.
we had a similar situation where one of the kids was apparently taking some other kids lunch, every parent knew about it except the parent of the child. When they finally found out and asked the child why they were taking their lunch it was because the other child had asked them to, as the parent always wanted to see an empty lunch box and they didn’t want it. It was too late by then of course as the child was the talk of the class. Not everything is cut and dried. This lad may have Tourette’s and found a word he can say that is ok to him, and if this child has not shown its bad he might feel safe with her to do it.
parents can be bloody awful at times!

If you've only personally "been around him a couple of times" how have you gathered he's lovely?

I think this is what parents do when they believe the parents aren't going to deal with it and nor are the school