Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

I'll eat my hat if the boy has tourettes and he probably just lives in a house where swearing is normal. As such, it's not likely to end well if a mum approaches the parents to discuss it.

Is this a serious question? Have you ever met someone once and thought they were lovely?
regardless even if he was bold or a “bad kid” her handling is appalling!

Have you invited the child for play date and tea?
Actions speak louder than words OP

I don’t know why you posted an AIBU, because you are being in turns pugnacious and defensive and have ZERO interest in listening to others opinions.

You have one diplomatic option. To contact the school, explain the situation rationally (because the way you come across in your posts comes off irrational and emotional unregulated) and let the school with it.

I suspect however given I’ve only met one person IRL with Tourette’s (a former flatmate), but have seen many rough families with rough children, it’s probably the latter. Children of five generally don’t casually swear without hearing casual swearing in their home environment. In this situation other parents are naturally going to keep their children away.

You asked if you should tell the teacher, of course not. That's not their problem!

You asked if you were unreasonable, yes you are.

YOU might not care if a "child you don't know" 😉swears, you can't dictate people conversation topics at the school gate. Just because they happen to be in the same classroom, you can't force friendships between kids either. At that age, it's a parent's job to monitor who their kids meet and teach them the right boundaries. How else will they learn?

Of course, it's a serious question. You've said he's not a close friend of your DS's and you've only been around him a couple of times, yet you seem to have observed a great deal about him and concluded "he's lovely".
I have repeatedly told you I voted YANBU because I agree with you that the gossipy mother is out of order, so why are you so angry with me? Is it because you've realised that, like a lot of people on here, I've come to the same conclusion as to why you're so invested in this little boy?

No, she hasn't. She says he's not a close friend of her DS and she's only been around him a couple of times - and yet she's managed to observe so much about him on these two occasions, including that "he's lovely" (which begs the question, why hasn't she invited him for a play date with her DS if he's so lovely and she's so concerned about him being socially isolated). 🤔

Why are so many people ripping OP a new arsehole?

I don't get it.

So it sounds as if your issue is with the mother who is telling everybody about the child who swears, not the actual child. Why not approach the swearing child’s parent to make them aware of the mother who’s ‘gossiping’? Then they can take her task if necessary. I can’t really see that this is your battle to fight - it’s not your child, let the people who have responsibility for the child sort it out.

If she mentions it in front of you again ask her straight out 'why is it bothering you so much if your Daughter understands its wrong to swear & is otherwise ok about the boy, why are you telling tales to the Teachers & gossiping about it with other parents' If I was you I'd stay out of it unless she speaks to you direct then you can shut her down saying you're not interested in gossip.

Unfortunately you will come across a lot of Mums at school that seem to have nothing better to do but get overly involved in their child’s school life and spend time gossiping and stirring things up either with school or other parents - just give a wide berth and keep out of it.

I have actually. No where did I say I hadn’t. The amount of projection and speculation here is outstanding!
He is lovely and even if I thought he was a “bad boy” I would still defend him because he is still a child.

I can’t understand why everyone is being so harsh to OP. She’s defending a 5year old from unpleasant adult gossiping regardless about action she should or should not take.

Yes some really nasty comments on here. I remember this happening when my son was younger - gossip about a girl who was in another school! I knew of her because she used to be at the swimming pool for lessons when my son was.

When I said to a (now ex) friend that I thought it was awful that people were gossiping about her all around our town, she was really annoyed with me. I can't even remember what it was about now, it wasn't as if she'd done anything terrible.

This is also why I am not keen on parent helpers in schools. They go off to their coffee mornings and gossip about the kids. And no, confidentiality agreements don't stop them. They do it.

Have you invited him over to play or spoken to the mum and offered to spend time together?

Sadly this is very true - and it can go on into secondary school!

There are many reasons why it's good for mums to work and this is another one - they have jobs to go to and can't get involved in toxic gossip as easily (and I know I'll get hassle on here for saying that but it's true).

I agree. It's unconscionable behaviour.

Of course a 5-year-old child shouldn't have been exposed to that kind of language. Cussing, especially frequently, in front of your kids is not on, but I would suspect a great many people have dropped a surreptitous or spontanous fuck bomb that they never intended to be overheard. I once did it when I stubbed my toe going to the loo in the middle of the night. Of course, sod's law said that DC was awake, heard me, and gave me a severe telling off the next day! He's never let me forget it either. (Shades of Saffie and Edina).

All kinds of things go on with others' parenting that I wouldn't consider ideal, but just as equally we've all made the odd cock up. That's not the issue here. It's the bullying of a very small child I find distasteful, and I'm surprised to see this endorsed on a supposed parenting support site.

Lots of children go through phases which are no fun at all for their parents, not least very embarrassing when it 'shows them up', as my mum used to call it, in public. There is no call at all for adults to bully children for it.

No excuses.

This is what I think too.

If the mum has been doing this for months then why haven't the school done/said anything about it although granted they probably wouldn't tell all parents, just the child involved's parents in which case she might not even know that the school have spoken to the boys parents if they have.
She sounds like a twat and I'd call her out on it (privately, not in front of an audience) for my own gratification.
Why has she decided to discuss this child with all and sundry when speaking to the school would have been a much better thing to do.

No swearing isn't nice and shouldn't be said by children but kids pick things up from everywhere these days. Doesn't mean they're hearing it at home and doesn't mean that an adult should go around talking about this boy's characteristics.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion though.

It’s really nice to be honest to hear a parent advocate for the safety and protection of a vulnerable child in this case rather than vilify them.

My child has SEN and this vilification of children by other parents is exactly why I’m very careful to protect their identity. We’re very private and I certainly do not tell other parents that about my child’s additional needs. This, I believe, is between myself and the school, and nothing to do with other parents. My child does not disrupt other children in the class, but I’m sure the other children are aware that my child is a bit different, and I feel it’s up to the teachers to mitigate the circumstances. Parents can be the most toxic, entitled people on the planet, and I would feel very angry if one of them were to gossip or complain or report my child without knowing them or the circumstances surrounding their SEN. A child in my opinion has the right to privacy when going to school.

The parents surely do not know the reason as to why the child is using bad language but it’s not helpful to target the behaviour blindly. Children have to go to school with other children from all walks of life, and that’s also part of life, as long as the parents are letting their children know that swearing is not okay then that is all they should be doing.

Absolutely, I think OP has had a really raw deal on this thread, but luckily seems very able to acquit themselves in the face of people who are frothing at the mouth. Plus people wonder why - come high school-age, there are some nasty kids who develop cliques and bitch about their peers... they learn it from exactly the type of behaviour that this woman exhibits, because if she is doing it in the street outside of the school, she is absolutely doing it at home as well.

And the Mean Girl (or Boy) circle continues...

Agree with PP and stay out of it. I would stay out of her way as well, she sounds like a absolute drama llama.

There is always that one mum who is overly involved in everything and has to speak to everyone about it, makes me think they have too much time on their hands and not a lot going on in their life.

Well I would prefer to rule out Tourettes \ other ND before labelling someone a bad parent and making assumptions about their home life.

(Oh and You are not an expert in Tourettes. and I am sooooo )

🤣 yes I'm sure you are a leading authority on it

99.9% of swearing children do not have tourettes

My kids went to a village school and only had between 10 and 18 kids in each year group so as parents if we ever had an issue with another child we spoke to the parent of that child, but that’s probably because there were so few children and we all knew each other. We certainly didn’t talk smack about someone else’s kid.
Welcome to playground politics, you will need to put headphones in and pretend you can’t hear anything if you want to stay out of the gossip.

OP, that mother will be bitching about some other child next term.
That type always has to be talking badly about someone.
No, cursing is not nice, but you say the child is not mean nor unkind.
Perhaps YOU could give the head teacher the heads up that it is "unfortunate" that this mother has felt the need to go from one parent to the next bad mouthing a small child..."most distasteful etc.,".
That is what I would do....give the head teacher the information....she will have come across her type before.