Hubs won't get the snip!!

[241719robs]

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

It’s because she (understandably) doesn’t want to get pregnant or use contraception! So the only other option if he won’t get the snip is avoiding sex. It’s not to be controlling, it’s to avoid an unwanted pregnancy ffs.

His body, his choice. You can get your tubes tied or get an IUD.

Her body, her choice. He doesn't have to, neither does she.

I’d either be saying no sex or I’d be saying that I wouldn’t be having an abortion (even if I would) if an accident happened, and reiterating how ineffective condoms are, so if he was ok with that then crack on. The thought of an unwanted pregnancy being quite likely, might focus his mind.

I have it too and it's great. But I do know a lot of women who've had problems with it - and it can be really painful to insert (mine was done while I was under GA for something else so I don't know).

Well, quite. All I'm saying is that it is no more unreasonable for him to refuse than for her to.

Or just not have sex rather than have a device inserted into her uterus that could make her periods more heavy and crampy, and see the OP for the comment about lack of support for her sterilisation, which is a much more serious procedure for women than men.

I used to feel more strongly about this, but am now in a position where my DH doesn't want to get a vasectomy. And I understand, he doesn't want surgery and it would not be right to force it either through demanding or through giving him a hard time until he capitulates - that's not real consent. And his bodily autonomy is as important as mine.

Equally I didn't want to take hormones anymore and while of course I would use condoms, I don't like the feel of them.

So for the last 5 years we've used natural family planning. Both our kids we got pregnant first month of trying so we're definitely very fertile. But there's not been a single scare in 5 years. It's also been really empowering for me to understand my body better. I now have years of my menstrual cycle tracked which is useful data as I approach menopause and things start changing. I track via an app called 'Read your body' which costs £10-£15 or so per year.

The percentage success rates of natural family planning are hard to quantify as they rely on you understanding things and taking a little time to track things. If you don't do that properly then the effectiveness will of course reduce. I will say we have always erred very strongly on the side of caution, if I'm not totally sure, he won't finish during intercourse. And it involves full trust between us of course. It's been positive for our sex life too, we're more creative, and when we can freely have sex which is more of the month than not, it's more enjoyable.

Just thought I'd share this experience because it doesn't have to be reduced to vasectomy or hormones only which is kind of a false dichotomy that can really end up being tough on relationships.

Edited to add, it also feels like a joint project - DH understands my body better and we are careful and risk averse together. So it's also an option that hasn't felt like all the work or responsibility is on me.

My DH said he'd have one but kept putting it off, typical fingers in the ears hoping it'd never happen. In the end I sat him down and listed all the uncomfortable procedures I'd been through compared to him. I had so many things, from smear tests to laparoscopies, to ivf treatment and cryotherapy on my cervix, alongside two pregnancies and labours. He had zero on his list!! So he felt like he had to step up.

We booked the procedure, a month later he had it done. Unfortunately it wasn't a textbook case, his surgery did go a little wrong so it meant his recovery wasn't as quick as pp make out. He was severely bruised and sore for a week. But, he recovered fine and we've never looked back. I used to get thrush from condoms, the mirena coil didn't suit me and on the pill it never settled and I had odd bleeding. So the vasectomy gave us so much more freedom to have sex whenever we want with no concerns about pregnancy.

OP you need to have a serious talk with him, lay it all out how he needs to be a supportive dh and think about your needs as well as his own. Good luck.

It’s not just a simple thing though. 1 in 10 men suffer long term chronic pain.

I would never suggest, and certainly never force, my husband to have it done.

YABU, and those suggesting withholding sex are cruel.

It's a very minor surgery. My DH had it done. He wasn't even there 20 minutes. Your DH is a selfish pig.

“I didn’t even have to ask him.” yes that’s literally the point - he made that choice himself, it wasn’t imposed on him.

Condoms exist, vasectomies fail. I think we’d be quite horrified by a thread posted by a man laying he “doesn’t want any more children and it’s time for his wife to be sterilised but she just won’t consider it.”

Long term chronic pain that is usually fleeting, occasional and mild....

@Bumpitybumper of course its not the same. But ultimately everyone regardless of male or female needs to be happy with the level of contraception they are using and also to be very clear of what will happen if that contraception fails. I don't see the OP refusing sex as manipulation I see it as a way if preventing unwanted pregnancy which is entirely their choice. If however the OP wishes to continue to have a sexual relationship with someone happy to use condoms then she either accepts that and the associated risks or she takes other precautions whatever they maybe. Nobody should be forcing anyone to do something against their will.

Time for a big discussion. There needs to be some compromise and common ground.
I’m currently pregnant with DC3. Absolutely sure this is our last and spoke to DH about the snip and he agreed he’ll get it done if I can arrange the appointment. Reversal is an option for men, which was in large part why DH agreed to get it done. It’s unfair all the burden falls on you.

I would like one person who has criticised the OP for what they have called “withholding sex” to explain why they think her DH is entitled to sex?

Don't have sex with him. He is a big baby afraid of a simple procedure. And there is no such thing as 'withholding sex'. Sex is something that happens between two consenting, enthusiastic adults (or it should be). One of them not wanting it (for the excellent reason of not wanting to get pregnant) is not withholding anything. So op won't force him to get the snip, yet he wants to have sex with her which is forcing her to either use contraception or get pregnant. Fuck that.

Do all of the posters suggesting she "withholds" sex just not enjoy it? I find it odd that it's seen that not having sex would be a negative for him and teach him a lesson. I would find no sex as difficult as my husband would.

I actually think it is more reasonable for a woman to refuse. The woman has been through child birth, trauma, potential injuries, years of taking all of the responsibility for birth control by pumping their body with hormones, often causing unpleasant side effects. This doesn't include periods, cramps and any other gyno issues. FFS, this is the man's turn. Snip, or condoms.

I think if sterilisation was an easy procedure like a vasectomy most women would probably opt to do it. But it's not, it's a procedure done under general anaesthetic unless it's done after a c-section. It cannot be compared to a vasectomy where the local anaesthetic is done in a drs surgery or clinic. Sterilisation is done in hospital under GA, that's the difference. Think of the cost difference to the nhs too.

It's his body, and men are every bit as entitled to bodily autonomy as women are.

You can't force someone to have a medical procedure they don't want to have, irrespective of how low risk or non-invasive you may deem it to be. What you can do is decide how to respond to someone's decision be that whether it's something you decide is a deal breaker, whether you decide using whatever form of contraception is a worthwhile action or you decide to not have sex. All your choice.

Perhaps if you stop calling him hubs!? Quid pro quo?

And the cost to the woman more importantly.

It's his body and absolutely his choice. You already have children, yes. But for all he knows, you might leave him in five years and he might want the chance to have children with someone else.

Even if sterilisation was a less invasive procedure for women, I don't think anyone would agree that it was reasonable for a woman's partner to demand she underwent it because he 'didn't want to risk condoms'.

Condoms are close to 100% effective if you actually use them properly. You could also consider a diaphragm or a cap if you're not keen on hormonal contraception.

I would go have times tied but warn him you will be recovering away from the home for 2 weeks mwhahaha