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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hubs won't get the snip!!

1000 replies

241719robs · 13/01/2025 09:20

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
PureGypsyGold · 15/01/2025 22:05

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 22:04

lol if men are so worried about being “baby trapped” they can put on a condom.

I thought condoms were acceptable or safe? 😂

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 22:08

PureGypsyGold · 15/01/2025 22:05

I thought condoms were acceptable or safe? 😂

I have no problem with condoms.
OP considers them stressful/ risky as a method of long term contraception and her concerns are evidence based and entirely reasonable.

PureGypsyGold · 15/01/2025 22:09

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 21:59

men are not at risk of pregnancy or pregnancy related health problems so for the risk to outweigh the benefits there needs to be basically no risks.

it’s not like men are… expected to endure no discomfort whatsoever and women are fucked

incredible.

Edited

Tbh it seems like you're not interested in any kind of science or ethical processes, you've just decided that women are victims and men are to blame whilst also being untouchable and you that's that. Not interested in logic, just angry at men. Boring.

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 22:10

PureGypsyGold · 15/01/2025 22:09

Tbh it seems like you're not interested in any kind of science or ethical processes, you've just decided that women are victims and men are to blame whilst also being untouchable and you that's that. Not interested in logic, just angry at men. Boring.

im not the one afraid of logic as was very clearly demonstrated in our exchange earlier.

CrowleyKitten · 15/01/2025 22:28

zerogrey · 13/01/2025 13:31

Female sterilisation requires the removal of the uterus, so yes, it does.

Tubal ligation involves the removal or closure of fallopian tubes and is NOT sterilisation.

it's pretty much the same procedure. it's just easier on men. both involve sealing the tubes between the zygotes and the penis/uterus. so that they can't get where they need to to do their job.
I've had several friends have hysterectomies, and neither of those were as a form of sterilisation. two of them consider being sterile a plus point of it, but both were due to severe menstrual issues, combined with the fact they never wanted children.

if you ask to be sterilised, they're not sending you in to get your uterus out.

SleeplikeababyTonight · 15/01/2025 22:35

LameBorzoi · 15/01/2025 20:17

Because women have many more options.

People are so quick to say "hormonal contraception does not agree with me". Sometimes they've explored many different types, and it's true. However, often it seems they've tried one type of pill. There are so many different types of contraception out there for women, and women react differently to each one.

I don't agree at all. If anything those (including me) that say it doesn't agree, is because they have tried EVERYTHING. It isn't logical not to try others; infact the nurse/gp is the first to prescribe alternatives. It is common for women not to want to be pumped up with hormones, and deal with side effects. I should think somebody who is around 40, or the usual age a vasectomy would be considered will have been on more than one pill.

Women don't say it flippantly so I'm not quite sure who the "often" only one pill tried people you're referring to are, maybe teenagers?

PureGypsyGold · 15/01/2025 22:37

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 22:10

im not the one afraid of logic as was very clearly demonstrated in our exchange earlier.

Not afraid of logic at all. You just don't seem to understand logic. You're all emotive arguments.and can't see the logical facts of the situation.

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 22:41

PureGypsyGold · 15/01/2025 22:37

Not afraid of logic at all. You just don't seem to understand logic. You're all emotive arguments.and can't see the logical facts of the situation.

I refer you to our entire exchange above.

jacks11 · 15/01/2025 22:55

NoSoupForU · 13/01/2025 10:22

It's his body, and men are every bit as entitled to bodily autonomy as women are.

You can't force someone to have a medical procedure they don't want to have, irrespective of how low risk or non-invasive you may deem it to be. What you can do is decide how to respond to someone's decision be that whether it's something you decide is a deal breaker, whether you decide using whatever form of contraception is a worthwhile action or you decide to not have sex. All your choice.

Exactly this. Body autonomy applies to everyone, not just women. Nobody else has to agree with the reasoning or risk assessment the individual makes, you just have to respect the decision they have made. You should not bully your partner into capitulating, it’s awful behaviour. It is as wrong to try to force your partner into surgery against his wishes, as it would be for him to try to force you to use hormonal contraception that you do not want to use.

The only thing OP (and other women) have the absolute right to do is decide their own actions will be in response to the situation they find themselves. In this case it could be anything from deciding to use condoms (whilst not perfect, are reasonably reliable), no penetrative intercourse, declining to have sex at all, or even ending the relationship. He can then decide if his partner’s position changes anything from his perspective.

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 23:08

The only thing OP (and other women) have the absolute right to do is decide their own actions will be in response to the situation they find themselves. In this case it could be anything from deciding to use condoms (whilst not perfect, are reasonably reliable), no penetrative intercourse, declining to have sex at all, or even ending the relationship. He can then decide if his partner’s position changes anything from his perspective.

I agree with this.
and I’d add one more thing- the OP is of course completely entitled to have feelings about his decisions and the situation that puts them both in.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 15/01/2025 23:13

These threads piss me off…mostly because everyone seems to forget there is a perfectly respectable form of female contraceptive that’s non hormonal-the copper coil.

That 'perfectly respectable form of female contraceptive' caused me to nearly die! I had an ectopic pregnancy after a year on the coil but didn't know it until it got too big and exploded my insides. A ruptured ectopic pregnancy can be fatal, luckily I was rushed into emergency surgery and given five pints of blood. Six weeks after I was released, I returned to have the coil removed and my remaining tube tied as it had been irretrievably damaged.

So you can be as pissed off as you like, but not everything works for everyone.

CrowleyKitten · 16/01/2025 01:21

OneTealBalonz · 13/01/2025 14:59

Imagine if this was reversed and a male came on stating his wife wouldn't have a medical procedure which carried a significant risk of permanent infertility and a 10% chance of chronic pain to be told she was a " selfish pig" as it would be "manageable" - the responses would be unprintable.

Many decades ago there were down trodden wives, it now seems to have done 180 where if the " hubs" doesn't want his balls cut open with a scalpel he is a selfish pig etc etc . The double standards on this forum are appalling as ever but no great surprise. If there is ever an advert for men to remain single - this place is it. The lack of self awareness and complete hypocrisy is shameful.

his balls won't get cut open. my stepdad had testicular cancer, and still didn't have his balls cut open. his testicle was removed through a small incision in the groin area.

CrowleyKitten · 16/01/2025 01:34

OneTealBalonz · 13/01/2025 16:33

A small procedure that can leave him infertile? You must be trolling

literally the purpose of the procedure.

CrowleyKitten · 16/01/2025 02:31

SabreIsMyFave · 13/01/2025 20:37

I bet this same doctor thought it was OK for the wife to be sterilised though!

probably not. it would be "what if you have a new partner who wants children, don't you know this hypothetical persons reproductive wishes are more important than yours, you silly little woman"

CrowleyKitten · 16/01/2025 02:54

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 15/01/2025 16:58

I was on combined and it was great ... apart from my blood pressure went so high I was considered a stroke risk.

Tried mirena coil. Insertion etc fine but within a couple months I was bleeding constantly, got cervical ectropions that I had to have lasered off, put on 10kg, zero sex drive, anxiety. All reversed very quickly once removed.

That's when we moved to condoms which worked for us with no issues for several years.

that further cements my, my cervix is not suited to a coil mindset.

LameBorzoi · 16/01/2025 03:53

Lostcat · 15/01/2025 22:04

lol if men are so worried about being “baby trapped” they can put on a condom.

And many do. But a lot of men (and women, myself included) really don't like condoms. My point is that there would be a potentially very lucrative market for alternatives.

LameBorzoi · 16/01/2025 03:56

SleeplikeababyTonight · 15/01/2025 22:35

I don't agree at all. If anything those (including me) that say it doesn't agree, is because they have tried EVERYTHING. It isn't logical not to try others; infact the nurse/gp is the first to prescribe alternatives. It is common for women not to want to be pumped up with hormones, and deal with side effects. I should think somebody who is around 40, or the usual age a vasectomy would be considered will have been on more than one pill.

Women don't say it flippantly so I'm not quite sure who the "often" only one pill tried people you're referring to are, maybe teenagers?

Edited

I see it on here all the time. "I tried the pill, and didn't get on with it, so therefore I can't use Mirena". Never mind that it's a different hormone, lower equivalent dose, and different delivery system.

Fluufer · 16/01/2025 06:31

LameBorzoi · 16/01/2025 03:56

I see it on here all the time. "I tried the pill, and didn't get on with it, so therefore I can't use Mirena". Never mind that it's a different hormone, lower equivalent dose, and different delivery system.

First of all there is no such pill as "the pills, so anyone saying that might well have tried several pills. I've never met a woman give up at the very first she ever tries.
It is beyond reasonable to say, I've tried numerous hormonal birth control options, I'm not willing to roll the side effects dice again.

Islandgirl68 · 16/01/2025 08:34

@LameBorzoi because sometimes women are done with hormones and their side effects and don't want to be the one that is responsible all the time. And the coil dies not work for every one. And the coil can dislodge and get stuck in other parts of a women's body. So when does ot become the man's responsibility to be responsible for contraception.

Lostcat · 16/01/2025 08:51

Incidentally another thread just popped up last night; DH who wouldn’t get a vasectomy, used condoms, now wife is pregnant again while caring for 9 month old twins. But hey ho, no impact on her person right? Doesn’t affect women at all. Women really do need to stop complaining and respect their husbands’ bodily autonomy.

Lostcat · 16/01/2025 08:55

LameBorzoi · 16/01/2025 03:53

And many do. But a lot of men (and women, myself included) really don't like condoms. My point is that there would be a potentially very lucrative market for alternatives.

Yes a lot of men don’t really like condoms- all that fear of being “baby trapped” aside- and I have no doubt they really wouldn’t like hormonal contraception either.

LameBorzoi · 16/01/2025 08:59

Lostcat · 16/01/2025 08:55

Yes a lot of men don’t really like condoms- all that fear of being “baby trapped” aside- and I have no doubt they really wouldn’t like hormonal contraception either.

Because all men are identical in opinions on this...

Lostcat · 16/01/2025 09:06

LameBorzoi · 16/01/2025 08:59

Because all men are identical in opinions on this...

So is it your belief that we sincerely don’t have the medical technology/ knowledge to develop a contraceptive for men?

Lostcat · 16/01/2025 09:12

*The first male contraceptive clinical trials
The first clinical trials for male hormonal contraceptives hail back to the 1970sTrusted Source. Male hormonal contraceptives have the aim of interfering with testosterone production and ultimately stopping the production of sperm.
Without sperm in the semenTrusted Source, or seminal fluid, the fluid that typically comes out of the penis at ejaculation, and which acts as a carrier vehicle for the sperm, there is no danger of fertilizing ovules, or eggs, produced by the ovariesTrusted Source, which results in pregnancy.
The first male hormonal contraceptives to be tested were injection-based, they appeared to be ultimately safe and effective, and the trial participants were able to produce sperm again once they stopped receiving the injections.
Yet several participants discontinued their involvement in these early trials due to the fact that it took a long time for the injections to take full effect and stop the production of sperm, and because they had a “dislike of the injection schedule.”
Later trials — in the early 2000s — tested the efficacy of hormonal contraceptive implants, though often they still required an additional injection protocol.
Studies showed that the participants did not experience any serious side effects, and the contraceptive method appeared effective, yet many of the male participants dropped out, reportedly due to study “protocol-related reasons” and “altered personal circumstances.”
While all this research provided key information about what might be effective and what not, none of them got very far, as the frequency of the required injections put off many of the study participants.
What happened to more recent studies?
Data from one of the more recent studies that promised an effective contraceptive for males were reported in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism in 2016. This phase 2 clinical trial tested an injectable combination hormonal contraceptive in a group of 320 healthy volunteers aged 18–45 years.
An injection with too frequent side effects
The injection — administered once every 8 weeks — contained norethisterone enanthate and testosterone undecanoate, and its aim was to suppress sperm production.
The study concluded that the contraceptive was effective in reducing sperm production almost to nil, and confirmed that this effect was reversible — all of which was good news. However, it also issued an important caution: Among the participants, there was a high “frequency of reported moderate and severe mood disorders including depression” linked to the use of the injectable contraceptive.
Despite the promising results on efficacy and overall safety, this male contraceptive candidate never made it to the market. Why? The obvious answer seems to be that the participants were uncomfortable and unwilling to put up with the reported side effects — indeed, 20 of the original 320 participants dropped out of the trial for this reason.

Yet the answer may not be as simple: Reportedly, around 75% of the volunteers said they would be happy to continue on the contraceptive at the end of the trial. So if the participants themselves were willing to continue, why did the researchers put an end to the trials? The answer is in the study paper itself.
The WHO Department of Reproductive Health and Research had established an independent Data Safety and Monitoring Committee to assess the trial results, as the WHO was one of the co-sponsors of the study.
In the study paper, the authors note that, in 2011, the external monitoring committee determined that “for safety reasons, recruitment [of further participants for the clinical trials] should be stopped and enrolled participants should discontinue receiving injections and be transitioned to the recovery phase” because, in their estimation, “the risks to the study participants outweighed the potential benefits.”
Since then, several studies on both hormonal and nonhormonal contraceptive candidates have made the headlines, all promising the imminent advent of a commercially available male contraceptive.

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PureGypsyGold · 16/01/2025 09:32

Lostcat · 16/01/2025 09:12

*The first male contraceptive clinical trials
The first clinical trials for male hormonal contraceptives hail back to the 1970sTrusted Source. Male hormonal contraceptives have the aim of interfering with testosterone production and ultimately stopping the production of sperm.
Without sperm in the semenTrusted Source, or seminal fluid, the fluid that typically comes out of the penis at ejaculation, and which acts as a carrier vehicle for the sperm, there is no danger of fertilizing ovules, or eggs, produced by the ovariesTrusted Source, which results in pregnancy.
The first male hormonal contraceptives to be tested were injection-based, they appeared to be ultimately safe and effective, and the trial participants were able to produce sperm again once they stopped receiving the injections.
Yet several participants discontinued their involvement in these early trials due to the fact that it took a long time for the injections to take full effect and stop the production of sperm, and because they had a “dislike of the injection schedule.”
Later trials — in the early 2000s — tested the efficacy of hormonal contraceptive implants, though often they still required an additional injection protocol.
Studies showed that the participants did not experience any serious side effects, and the contraceptive method appeared effective, yet many of the male participants dropped out, reportedly due to study “protocol-related reasons” and “altered personal circumstances.”
While all this research provided key information about what might be effective and what not, none of them got very far, as the frequency of the required injections put off many of the study participants.
What happened to more recent studies?
Data from one of the more recent studies that promised an effective contraceptive for males were reported in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism in 2016. This phase 2 clinical trial tested an injectable combination hormonal contraceptive in a group of 320 healthy volunteers aged 18–45 years.
An injection with too frequent side effects
The injection — administered once every 8 weeks — contained norethisterone enanthate and testosterone undecanoate, and its aim was to suppress sperm production.
The study concluded that the contraceptive was effective in reducing sperm production almost to nil, and confirmed that this effect was reversible — all of which was good news. However, it also issued an important caution: Among the participants, there was a high “frequency of reported moderate and severe mood disorders including depression” linked to the use of the injectable contraceptive.
Despite the promising results on efficacy and overall safety, this male contraceptive candidate never made it to the market. Why? The obvious answer seems to be that the participants were uncomfortable and unwilling to put up with the reported side effects — indeed, 20 of the original 320 participants dropped out of the trial for this reason.

Yet the answer may not be as simple: Reportedly, around 75% of the volunteers said they would be happy to continue on the contraceptive at the end of the trial. So if the participants themselves were willing to continue, why did the researchers put an end to the trials? The answer is in the study paper itself.
The WHO Department of Reproductive Health and Research had established an independent Data Safety and Monitoring Committee to assess the trial results, as the WHO was one of the co-sponsors of the study.
In the study paper, the authors note that, in 2011, the external monitoring committee determined that “for safety reasons, recruitment [of further participants for the clinical trials] should be stopped and enrolled participants should discontinue receiving injections and be transitioned to the recovery phase” because, in their estimation, “the risks to the study participants outweighed the potential benefits.”
Since then, several studies on both hormonal and nonhormonal contraceptive candidates have made the headlines, all promising the imminent advent of a commercially available male contraceptive.

In the study paper, the authors note that, in 2011, the external monitoring committee determined that “for safety reasons, recruitment [of further participants for the clinical trials] should be stopped and enrolled participants should discontinue receiving injections and be transitioned to the recovery phase” because, in their estimation, “the risks to the study participants outweighed the potential benefits.”

Well yes, the risk of moderate to severe depression outweighs the benefits of preventing pregnancy in somebody else, I really don't see what the controversy is here. Ethic panels in scientific studies exist for a reason.

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