Hubs won't get the snip!!

[241719robs]

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

Now you know that he is selfish.

If you are done, do NOT risk another pregnancy.

Relations ceased till its sorted.

My sister refused to sleep with her husband until he got the snip

He'd need to give me a better answer than "maybe one day". That's not a no, so what is he waiting for? I'm all for "my body, my choice", but just opting out for a wishy washy reason and passing all responsibility to his spouse isn't good enough.
He needs to educate himself properly to know what he is saying yes or no to. And that includes properly understanding what he is asking of you. A proper open minded conversation with a GP/Marie Stopes/BPAS/private clinic/whatever is the very least any man can do. A "no" before then is bullshit.

I said the same to my husband, I've not gone back on contraception as I don't want to, it's his responsibility to buy and use condoms, and I track my cycle like I did when we were TTC so until he has the snip there are only 1 or 2 weeks a month I'm happy risk is low enough with a condom of getting pregnant. I've also told him if I do get pregnant I will be having an abortion and I probably will not want sex with him again until he has had the snip.

His choice to do it or not, it's his body, but same it's my body that I'm not putting the pill in me again and I've been through enough with pregnancies, labour etc.

What are you talking about? If you believe that the man has autonomy over his own body in terms of having a vasectomy then it follows that the woman has autonomy over their body as to whether or not she chooses to have sex with him and be burdened with the risk of an unwanted pregnancy.

The problem with contraception is that ultimately someone has to take responsibility and if nobody does then the woman is stuck with the consequence. All too often, the men know that refusing to have a vasectomy forces the woman's hand into taking control of the contraception and carrying that burden. This can also be seen as a form of coersion and control.

Well how about the poor woman gets pregnant as a result of said "shagging"? That's not having a major impact on her body then?

@NorthernGirl1981 I think you've expressed the dichotomy well. On the one hand, of course no one should EVER be forced to do anything to their body they aren't comfortable with. But on th eother, the intrinsic unfairness of this never ceases to annoy me. I didn't particularly want to be pregnant and I can assure you that I am not happy about the long term impact of having two difficult pregnancies has had on my body, never mind the endless trauma and invasiveness of the fertility treatment we had to have, but the choices were limited - if we wanted children, I had to put my body through that. I wish that I had fully appreciated this BEFORE so that I could have made it clearer to DH. Because I think we all, men and women, somewhat blithely go into pregnancy and childbirth not actually thinking about the fact that we wouldn't go any type of situation that involved such a massive impact on your body without extensive thought and discussion of the impact, risks etc.

I hate the effort of condoms but feel relatively comfortable with them as a contraceptive, but the one small thing I have done is make it clear to DH that I will NEVER buy a condom. EVER. I will never notice if we have them, I don't care where they're stored, and I will not pay any attention to when we need more. I have done my bit - I've taken the pill for years, I've done the fertility treatment, I've been pregnant, I've given birth. That's IT. No more. It's a small thing, but it makes me feel ever so slightly better.

No it's very factual. Why should women carry on having sex and risking pregnancy. If he doesn't want to have the snip that's fine, his choice, but all choices have natural consequences

This isn't "withholding sex". It's being unwilling to either risk pregnancy or subject herself to hormonal contraception.

It’s not withholding sex as punishment - it’s saying no to sex while there is a risk of pregnancy because no contraception is being used. He doesn’t have to have the snip and she doesn’t have to take hormonal contraceptives or rely on condoms if she doesn’t want to do that anymore. So that means the only way to stop pregnancy is abstinence

unless you believe a woman should be responsible for stopping herself getting pregnant?

Also, I don't think it's "witholding sex" as a way to force a vasectomy. But I realised at about the age of 40 that I was MORE terrified of getting pregnant by mistake then than I had been at 21. Pregnancy at 40 would have been literally the worst ting that could have happened to me. I'd have had to have an abortion, which would probably have destroyed my relationship with my DH. I had two very small children at the time so frankly sex wasn't a huge thing on my list, but the fear of pregnancy definitely added to my lack of libido.

He has the right to refuse to do it. You also have the right to refuse procedures.

Contraception can fail, so I can understand the OPs reluctance to rely on condoms. That said when threads crop up on here where contraception has been taken by the female and failed the general consensus is if the male didn't want a baby he should have used a condom as well as whatever the female was doing. If he is happy to rely on condoms then you have to decide whether the reverse of that should come into force I.e you have a sterilisation or you abstain from sex altogether

It's not 'withholding' sex. It's a) removing risk of pregnancy and b) giving him responsibility for contraception. If she doesn't feel safe, she's under absolutely no obligation to have sex.

Tell him you aren’t having sex again as a form of contraception.

To be clear that’s not about “punishment”.

It’s the safest way of avoiding pregnancy especially as OP cannot use hormonal methods.

You're not unreasonable for asking, but you’re unreasonable if you try to pressure him.
Yes your body has been through enough, you’re a woman. But you can’t expect to have autonomy over your body if you’re not affording the same benefit to your husband. It’s his body, his choice. If you don’t want your tubes tied then you have two options. Continue with the birth control or abstain from sex.
He’s not unreasonable for not wanting a vasectomy.
My DH did have a vasectomy, but it was his idea, his decision and his choice. I never would have suggested it.
If he’d suggested I should have my tubes tied, he’d have been scheduled for corrective rhinoplasty not long after

@Soontobe60 I understand what you’re saying, but what would you suggest in this situation? Couple don’t want more kids. Woman can’t face enduring another pregnancy. Woman has taken care of contraception the whole time, but now the methods are either making her feel ill, or are not reliable enough. This is causing her monthly anxiety and misery. Man flatly refuses to even consider a vasectomy. Woman therefore says she doesn’t want to have sex any more. How is this controlling? It sounds to me like someone making a sensible decision based on the risks.

His body his choice. Condoms are the safest choice, they’re extremely effective. You don’t have to use hormonal contraception if it affects your body and he doesn’t have to have elective surgery that affects his.

1. You cannot “withhold” sex.

2. It’s not about punishment it’s about avoiding pregnancy. She cannot use hormonal methods anymore and he refuses to consider a vasectomy so this is the perfect option.

But that's hardly comparable is it? In most cases the woman is on some form of contraception and the man's 'boots and braces' option is condoms. A relatively easy method of contraception that has virtually no side effects and is certainly not equivalent to female sterilisation or abstinence.

Wtaf? 😱

Her body, her choice, condoms are far less reliable than vasectomies and abstinence.

As one of those people who fell pregnant due to a condom fail (and had an abortion) they are certainly not 100% effective.

Mine wouldn’t get the snip when I asked, we have three children, because he might want more children with someone else if we split up.

Delightful.

Surely you aren’t comparing the invasiveness and complexity and the risks of female sterilisation to that of a man having a vasectomy?!

When my husband had his vasectomy he was in the pub 10 minutes after the procedure and back at work the next day.

Suggesting a man “puts himself through that” is very different to a man suggesting to his partner that she gets sterilised.