Hubs won't get the snip!!

[241719robs]

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

Stupid thing to say. "User error" is the "accident". That's why there is typical use and perfect use.

My ex did have some pain. I was pretty unsympathetic as he had the snip when I had wanted more children.

Well duh, that's what I mean.

Use it properly, you won't get pregnant.

The accidents are because of user error, not contraceptive failure.

Nobody should be using contraceptive 'typically' if they don't want to get pregnant.

Speaking from a Male point of view.. I asked the Mrs to use contraceptions after 3 kids, she refused and had many reasons for doing so. Some i didnt agree with but its her body.
So i took the decision to do the snip, she wasnt fully on board with that either. She considered it extreme. But I knew i didnt want anymore and went and did it. We about 6 months on from it now, and everyones happy.

Someone just has to be the bigger person and take a stand. But defo communicate rather than avoid the topic!
To not use protection, is a plan to have more kids! (pullout game isnt 100% - trust me, i know!)

Your relationship is not so great if your husband won't take the snip when your body and mental health won't take more contraceptives.

He needs to take responsibility for stopping a new pregnancy when you've done it for years. Some men have mental blocks with it comes to vasectomies - they see it as part of their manhood, which is beyond ridiculous in this day and age.

I'd have a calm conversation with your DH saying clearly you'll no longer take contraception or accept condoms. Put the pressure on him. Don't get into the blame game he'll try to put on you, just calmly say : "My body can't longer continue what I've doing to it for many years" and walk away.

If he's a good husband caring for you, he'll come around to discuss it. If he's an arsehole only caring about himself, you have a bigger problem than just a vasectomy.

You're still taking a big risk of pregnancy though. Personally, I wouldn't be happy to roll the dice like you are doing. I don't think this is a reasonable alternative to a vasectomy for a couple that definitely does not want to get pregnant.

So why is it OK for him to disengage from the issue and expect OP to take responsibility ? What about her body ?

Hormones for a lot of women can kill their sex drive, and cause a whole host of unpleasant side effects.

How can you actually live and respect him now tho ? Now you know that he thought you’d dearly want another baby and went and had the snip to make sure that didn’t happen, thinking he’s doing that against your wishes

and he wouldn’t have the snip when you simply wanted more protection from the risk of pregnancy/termination

i just wouldn’t be able to respect him let alone love him
after his treated you so selfishly
what a prick he is

This seems depressingly true in a lot of these cases, it's really awful when you think about it. What shitty, shallow creatures.

You can only control your body.
Which includes not having sex if you have contraceptive concerns.

You need to make it clear that it's his choice whether to have a vasectomy - but you are no longer willing to take the stress and risk of contraception so unless he does, sex is off the cards.

The problem is that men take recreational sex for granted.

Before the days of the pill and durex etc... there were condoms made of goat guts or whatever - mm thick not micro mm, you had to wash and reuse like a mooncup! They were issued to soldiers and counted in the weight of their pack!

It was better understood that if you had sex, you might get a baby and preventing that baby took a lot more effort for both the man and the woman... The men would have to get condoms at the barbers, there was a time when women couldn't even buy them, it was a man's job!

So it was far less taken for granted that it's her problem to solve.

Now it's flipped and some men have gone too far, mentally washed their hands of it and still expect sex on tap.

He needs a history lesson and a reality check.

And if you don't want sex because you're sick of contraception and pregnancy that wrecks your body, that's not manipulation because that's not your motive. It's self protection!

Exactly. I had a condom fail - obviously no idea whether it was user error or the condom not working correctly, the only reason I knew there'd been any kind of fail was because I was pregnant!

Refusing to risk pregnancy after putting body through multiple pregnancies = “Using sex as a bargaining tool” 🤣

Sit down and have an open discussion on both your concerns and contraceptive options and what you both agree on. Vasectomy is an option he should at least agree to explore/research (by himself), but if after researching he decides he still doesn't want to, for whatever reason, that needs to be respected.

You don't get to pull the "I went through hormonal contraception/pregnancy/birth card", as you freely made those choices.

Think of the problem you are trying to solve together - would condoms and one of cycle tracking/cap/diaphragm/spermacide to give double protection and not require invasive surgery be amenable to both of you?

Bloody hell have we gone back to the pre contraceptive times where men were entitled to their conjugal rights and women weren’t allowed to say no even after 7 or 8 children. Luckily it’s now recognised women do not owe men sex ever, saying no to sex ( for whatever reason) is perfectly justified are PP’s who trot out the “ it’s his body his choice” rhetoric not aware that it is also OP’s “ it’s her body it’s her choice”. There is a word for sex that women feel unable to say no to ( for whatever reason and fear of pregnancy is a big reason in my view). Condoms are all very well but what if something goes wrong, again it’s on the woman to source and take the MAP or if a pregnancy where to occur, consider having a termination or having an unplanned child ( both difficult situations that the woman never wanted to find herself in). If my DH couldn’t understand all this I would be considering my marriage, and the thought of him keeping his options open just in case, would be a major part of that consideration.

@241719robs His body, his choice.

Does hubs yearn for more bubs? 🤔🙃

It is absolutely disgusting, and a real man cares, and will do the lowest risk most logical thing for his partner. Any man who suggests female sterilisation is not a man, but a pathetic, selfish and ignorant human being. I could not have sex with a man that suggested this. The latter would be a major turn off, so there would no longer be an issue, we wouldn't be together; pregnancy solution found!

I have 4 children and when I got pregnant with my 4th we discussed vasectomy but my husband was very nervous of having it done because he'd seen horror stories, so I took it upon myself to be sterilised during my c-section instead as I was already having surgery and it only added 5 minutes onto it, i didn't want to be pregnant again so I took control of it so now I know I won't be and I don't have to pressure my husband to do something he was too nervous about and ultimately would likely end up with us having a 5th child which I really didn't want

Her body, her choice.

Ditto for her.

So stalemate.

So a conversation might be worth having, perhaps he should at least consider a discussion.

Otherwise their joint life cannot be joint in this department anymore.

But why should the op put herself at risk of pregnancy? She is entitled to not have sex. To suggest otherwise is coercion.

He didn’t go off and have it done behind my back!

After months of me talking about having another baby (pretending I wanted one) we sat down together and he explained that me making him think about having another baby only made him realise how much he didn’t want another and he said it also made him see how much he didn’t want to risk a pregnancy. I told him I understood why he felt like that and he said that perhaps getting a vasectomy was the best option. I nodded along and told him I respected his feelings on the matter and that if he really didn’t want another baby then I would support him in his decision to be sterilised.

Of course I was annoyed with him for not going ahead and doing it when I had initially asked him, but like I said, sometimes men bury their hands in the sand about such matters, and if my approach was enough to make him think about the reality of having another baby and result in him having a vasectomy, then I was happy enough with that.

This "withholding" stuff is nonsese - it's about sharing a job over the course of a marriage. She's done it up until now, and it's his turn to take over the responsibilty from here on.