To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

I agree with talking to the venue first. See what they suggest in terms of using what you've paid for, and scaling right back on the numbers and add-ons. Take DP with you for moral support, as they'll try and talk you into an even more expensive but slightly different wedding 😬

If they're really intransigent, it's probably better to wave bye-bye to your money and fuck off to Vegas. But talk to them first!

Since you asked what other people did, I've just put what we spent on my wedding into an inflation calculator - £14,300 in today's money. We had 150 guests for the whole day, church with bells etc, and a flashy marquee. The marquee was in MIL's garden as it's quite big. We had a hog roast with a buffet, no formal dinner, and we went to France to buy a car-load of booze (less cost-effective since Brexit, but still worth doing). The cake, my dress, decorations, flowers and invitations were all home-made. My brother did the disco. Our aim was to have a party, very relaxed, that everyone could enjoy. It worked! Tbh, I knew by the end of the day that I shouldn't have married the twat - but people still talk about what a great wedding it was, and I'm proud that we were on the same page for that if nothing else 😂

Which is the point! Do something that you & DP will really enjoy, not what other people think you 'should'.

I didn't lose any money as I hadn't planned a big wedding but DH and I had a tiny wedding. My little Dsis was very ill and I didn't want to risk her not being there.
I have zero regrets about the small wedding. I was slightly worried about how some of our our older family members might react but they all had a blast. It was a hot day, we had a small intimate ceremony then informal speeches, buffet and then we all danced all day in a bar's function room.
Honestly in retrospect, what I have learned is your wedding day isn't the same day for everyone else as it is for you. Do what you want because the next day you're every bit as married after a £20,000 wedding as you are at a £2,000 which incidentally is how much DH and I spent and over 8 years later we are still very happy.

Yes, do wear it!

I wasn't planning on wearing a 'traditional' wedding dress for my civil ceremony in Italy at all. I wanted purple. However, I visited a local bridal shop in search of something a bit different from the usual white or ivory, and found nothing but white and ivory. Out of politeness to the lovely shop owner I tried on a dress, and the minute I had it on I knew it was perfect!

So against all my preconceived ideas I went tripping around Italy in full-scale bridal regalia - and if you want to be low-key and not the centre of attention, being a bride in Italy is absolutely not the way to do it! But the warmth, effusiveness and goodwill of total strangers blew me away and made the day even more special.

In my experience, sometimes spontaneity beats meticulous planning and we had such a relaxed day with absolutely no pressure.

How much would you lose cancelling the venue?
If you pick a really different venue they won't be compared, dress and entertainment come with so no loss there. It seems unthinkable to lose 8k
I went to a lovely wedding last year, very DIY in a hired barn type place, massive paella cooked outside and a queue with paper plates. It was one of the most fun weddings I've been to, a friend's band played and it was really relaxed. I know they were on a budget (both teachers). The only slight shame was that didn't get as much use of the outside space and outdoor games they'd bought, it was chilly and rainy even though it was August, but it didn't matter.

Elope and have a lovely honeymoon. It is your day.

Agree, far nicer places to elope to closer to home and not so tacky.

We had very little money but I loved the idea of a 'big' wedding so we had some bits of one - a massive and gorgeous dress, a 7 piece swing band and a stunning venue. But we had a smallish number of guests (50) and I sourced stuff online where I could (veil etc) and we did home made favours. So you don't have to do one or other. Just have some elements you like and be happy with what you choose. People commented that our wedding was brilliant but I think that was because the best man's speech was lovely and as our wedding was small, there was a really good atmosphere. It was a day filled with love and an epic swing band! Good luck OP. Wedding planning is hard but you deserve to go into your marriage having had a wedding you enjoyed.

You are right, very few people actually appreciate the work ( and finances) that go into planning weddings, most people think most weddings are just the ‘same old same old’, and are quite boring, the only weddings I really enjoyed were the abroad ones or else if someone did something completely different, if it is an unusual wedding ( cheap is fine) then people haven’t really got anything to compare it to

I would much rather go to a cheap interesting wedding than the usual ‘same old same old ‘ where a lot of money was spent but the day was actually quite boring.

Think outside the box

Nobody can afford bridesmaids who are not interested, so cross them off the budget for a start!
Cancel the current plans and take off with your fiance, only taking with you the people who really want to support you in getting married. If this is nobody, then take nobody and you'll have the money to go somewhere further away. But if you have a handful of good friends or lovely relations, you could invite them to a registry office followed by a meal at a nice restaurant. It would be lovely, intimate and so much less stressful. You don't have to include even your parents unless you really want them there, and they are keen to come.
We had a church wedding followed by a meal in the church hall with food and drinks and friends playing music. A highlight of the service was when the priest told the congregation that their job was to support us in making these vows, both on the day and in the years to come, and made them say that they agreed. Many of them said afterwards that it was the nicest wedding they had ever been too, and it wasn't expensive.

Yes my friends did this. They went over hired outfits and a photographer, got married and took amazing photos in the desert after . Looked great and a lot less stress and expense AND they got an amazing trip out of it. No regrets

Why is it on you? Is he involved with the planning at all?

OP, you say you'd lose £8k if you cancel, so surely that's not a great option. My wedding cost £8k in total anyway. It doesn't have to cost the earth! Mt wedding dress was from ebay (designer and brand new) for £300 and I sold it on for the same price afterwards. We didn't put money behind the bar. It's not a competition so just do it your way and enjoy!

Comparison is indeed the thief of joy. It’s a pity you’ve compared yours to your sil’s so much and now you feel like yours isn’t good enough. The resources you have are what you have. Make the most of it.

Edited to say i’ve just seen this has already been said.

With weddings you’ll find everyone has an opinion on what they think you need to have in the wedding. You have to be quite strong and remain focused on what you want and what you can afford to spend. You won’t feel happy spending more or doing things to please his aunty or whoever.

I’d take the time to sit down with your fiance and go through the budget and the things you definitely want on the day. Then look at trimming everything else. If the bridesmaids are stressing you out and unhelpful then get rid. No one has to have bridesmaids or a best man and the costs of having them really add up. Same with favours, entertainment, photo booths etc etc. if you don’t want speeches, don’t do them. If you don’t want a sit down dinner look at a buffet or food cart set up. There’s really no rules anymore! You’ll just find some people drone on that you need to do x or y for it to be a proper wedding and it’s BS.

Most people are happy at weddings when there is a good flow to the day (no hours of sitting around) and plenty of food. It doesn’t have to go on all night or have crazy entertainment provided if you don’t want to put that on.

If it keeps coming up with his family, just don’t discuss your plans or show them things. Let your fiancé handle it with his family and ask them to stop interfering.

btw, there is nothing wrong with homemade decorations/invites etc. if anything most people find these lovely touches at a wedding and also understand that it costs a lot to hold a wedding these days and tend to applaud saving a bit of money.

I’d elope but I’d go to Scotland. Take those you love with you and tell the rest afterwards. Keep the dress and wear it! And agree re venue and entertainment - see if you can get some money back or credit to spend it another way.

I got married in a beautiful little candlelit chapel in Invernesshire. It was beautiful. I invited nobody except my friend and her husband as witnesses. Couldn't be doing with all of the faff, cost and crappy family politics.

I wouldn’t cancel it but I would down scale it eg invite less people, have less flowers, don’t have the extravagant extras that aren’t needed and most importantly stop comparing.

my friend got married a few months after us having planned her wedding for 3 years. Extravagant, fancy cars, dress, bridesmaids, flowers, videographer , photographer, ceilidh band, 180 full day guests, extravagant honeymoon the full shebang! Approx 20k

we had 40 people at our day(immediate family only) cars, a gorgeous plain silk dress, 1 bridesmaid, 2 bouquets, a photographer and we had a wonderful day. 4k

Remember it’s the marriage that’s important not the wedding.

Imo the stress will just continue to ramp up and you'll be a bag of nerves before the day. It's just not worth it - why not still enjoy your dress, have a tiny wedding with a couple of witnesses or immediate family on a beach somewhere (incl a photographer!) and have a gorgeous, relaxing day with a slap up meal and little stress.

Don't lose 8k over it. But at the same time don't do anything you're not comfortable with.
You've spent the 8k. So everything else must be funded by the guests. Limited open bar. Less expensive meal, maybe buffet instead of waiter served three courses.
It's all about you and your husband. What does he think? You need to make it what you want and frankly the guests take second place at best.

I would take a holiday (elope) somewhere and get married with a couple of random witnesses
Is it possible to just have a fancy wedding reception with the family at the venue you've booked?
If not then just elope and announce you've got married whilst away
When family behave this way it sucks the joy out of it

Weddings don’t have to cost the earth. When I married my husband we were married in a lovely registry office, decided to have no bridesmaids or best man, no hen do or stag do and we told guests we didn’t want presents but if they would like to come back to our hotel with us and pay for their own meals then we would love that. Most did and others just came back for drinks it was so relaxed. My parents bought me a bouquet, decorated the tables, made a cake and paid for a photographer as a surprise wedding present. It was so lovely and I wouldn’t change a thing. We started our marriage with no debt hanging over us. I know of 2 couples who were still heavily in debt from their weddings after they got divorced which is what put me off having a big white wedding.
a wedding is about you and your partner and shouldn’t be all about pleasing or impressing other people which is what society seems to push onto us all. I’d definitely be considering cancelling if I was you and like other posters have said going away on your own to get married. Hope you’re ok OP x

Cancel and get married abroad . Stuff the lot of them . Spend it on yourselves .

It’s not about the wedding - it’s about the marriage!!

A close family member of mine spent tens of thousands of pounds, all the bells, whistles and trimmings, and the marriage didn’t last a year.

Husband and I got married in Covid - very short and sweet event (and cheap!!) because of the restrictions. We’ve been happily married for coming up to 4 years.

We worried about the rings, the photos and each other as after the day they’re what’s left. Magazines and social media tell you it needs to be “perfect”. If you love each other and you want to be married that’s all the perfect you need!!

I think you perhaps have unrealistic expectations of bridesmaids and family? I’ve been a bridesmaid twice but had no involvement in planning the actual wedding (I was interested and asked how it was going etc, and helped organise the hen do with other bridesmaids). I also wouldn’t expect my bridesmaids or family to be involved in planning mine. I see it as mine and my partner’s responsibility. Perhaps letting go of these expectations would help? Otherwise definitely scale back if it’s not what you want, especially if not fully organised yet!

There are lovely places in the UK who do elopement weddings.
But I would say that I don’t think all weddings are the same. I’ve been to big weddings where mega amounts of Money were spent - and the wedding was formal and stuffy. I’ve been to smaller , more personal weddings done on a budget which were much more enjoyable.
The bottom line is thinking about what you and dh want to get out of the day. And do whatever that is. It’s a special day for you both - and for those who love you. And for many people that’s not about the number of guests, how much money is being spent and how fancy everything is. It might be about that for dh ‘s family but that’s all a bit superficial