To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning can I ask you a question? What colour were the bows on the seat covers at the last wedding you went to and what were the favours?

I couldn't answer this question. All these 'important details' aren't actually noticed at all.

The best wedding I've ever been to was in a youth hostel. The worst at the poshest hotel.

Things that make the biggest difference to my enjoyment are not standing around bored for hours while 8 million photos are taken, a decent bit if food but it doesn't have to be fancy - just not leave you starving or waiting hours for it, and decent music.

Where is your booking? At a hotel? Why don't you talk to them about changing your options. Can you have a smaller room, or a later ceremony and go straight into the evening with a buffet rather than a formal meal.

Skip the speeches if they're not you. Just have one person make a short toast.

No one really cares about favours.

Do you have a friend that is good at hair or makeup? Do you suit a little of it? Some people make up amazingly but I just look ridiculous. My friend showed me what to do and lent me some posh products for the day. My SIL curled my hair. I wanted fairly natural not a complicated up do.

Just decide which bits matter to you and ditch the other bits.

Also I know my sister declined all the extras at the hotel like draping etc. But her wedding was a Friday and they had another (fancier) do the day after so they put it all up anyway.

Is it about the wedding or being married?

Honestly OP, I know of a bunch of super simple covid weddings and so many saying they were really lovely meaningful days.
Strip it back to use the deposits and forget everything else.
Ditch the bridesmaids too with the excuse of going all out to make it simple.
Reduce the numbers too, especially on your familys side if you are not close.

I got married in NYC at city hall.

The only cool thing I have ever done

I too could not pull off a big wedding and DH is very shy/anxious

We had a great time!!

The best wedding I've ever been to had four guests. I bawled my eyes out at my friends vows.

The second best was effectively a campsite where all the guests brought either food or booze and there was a campfire.

Most of the other kinds of weddings I've been to were very cookie cutter. There's only so many variations of the wedding car/nice venue/formal photos/3 course dinner/boring speeches/cash bar/band kind of deal and they all blend together.

You might be envious of your SILs plans but I guarantee not a single one of the guests will remember any details from it a year on. Except Aunt Marie got smashed and dirty danced with one of the ushers.

Do the wedding you want.

I was in a similar boat with a difficult family dynamic. Combine a honeymoon and beach ceremony somewhere that you want to go. Just the two of you.

Honestly, I'd elope and then throw a boozy party for your families where I'd surprise them with the news

I fear such a scenario so much I'd rather never get married but this is defo what I'd do

Best of luck x

We didn’t want to get into debt, there’s also a feeling that the more you spend the shorter the marriage will last. Of everyone I know those that have done it the way both of the couple wanted are far happier.

We managed to do everything for under £1k. It’s not about the day it’s about the two of you and your marriage. Don’t loose sight of that

We just got married with two witnesses and then went out for fancy tapas with them. It cost about £350 and was romantic and cool in a low-key way.

We did. I’d never wanted a big wedding and we both had really small families so we went with DH brother and his wife.

Most places abroad require you to be resident in the country for at least 7 days before marrying but with Vegas, it’s 24 hours - you have to go and collect your wedding license before the wedding (you can’t just rock up to a chapel and get married like they do in the movies!).

It was honestly the best day of my life. The guy who married us made me feel like I was the most special person on earth, despite him doing about 20 weddings that day! We went for a meal and to a show after. It was honestly amazing. (Although this was more than 20 years ago so I don’t know if any of the rules have changed).

Do what makes you happy /causes least stress @RubbishAtWeddingPlanning - life’s too short for stressing!

Wedding should be for you and your partner. Doesn't need to be big and fancy and expensive. It should reflect you both, not your bank balance.

If you want the big expensive wedding and you can afford it then go for it, equally a basic registry office wedding is just as good if it's how you want to do it.

When we got married we went to South Africa for a really small intimate beach wedding and honeymoon. DH parents lived there. We had 5 guests at our wedding as we did an open invite to friends and family but appreciated it was a big ask for anyone to travel that far. The day was perfect for us. We then had a big party back in UK to celebrate with everyone.

Do it how you want, sod anyone else 😀

You don't need a party to announce it full stop never mind a boozy one. This should be about what you and your husband to be wants, not anyone else and not about show.

I bet your handmade table decorations are more lovely and personal than any your sister in laws wedding designers will do.

Keep the date, the dress, the venue. Make you wedding what you want - simplify it. Have you sent invites? If not cut the guest list (only immediate family and no horrible aunt!). Handmade favours, made personal etc.

My friend had a wedding last summer and everything was done cheaply and hand made - it was stunning

We just had a wedding and lunch reception, nothing further.

I wished over the years, that we’d had an evening reception to invite more people too, but really I’d have preferred a smaller wedding with just my husband and I, and a couple of people in attendance

Ours was in a registry office, and sadly there were a lot of weddings that day. But these days I don’t think there would be. I think it’s in a nicer place now too.

I didn’t enjoy the day at all, it was all a rush, nearly being late, horrid relatives of my husband, and just awful.

The very kindly pub who held our wedding reception in their conservatory was the nicest part I think.

They had gone to a lot of trouble decorating the room for free really, and lent us their lovely wedding cake silver plinth and accessories, and provided the flowers.

Even our few nights away were rushed.

Have a day that you would like, elope to this country, it’s less hassle 😀

Cancel and elope - you won't regret just making it about the 2 of you

Well you will need your dress anyway.

Get married quietly and then use the venue/entertainment to have a party.

It's not worth all this stress.

Honestly can you really lose £8k and then pay out another £6k for a different type of wedding? If you can then go for it. I got married on a beach in Mexico. It was a £500 package on top of the cost of the holiday plus paid additional for flowers and cocktails.

We had four guests. I abosutely loved having no pressure of guests etc and family dynamics.

But you’ve already paid for half your wedding. Tell your bridesmaids the truth, you need to scale back. Ask if they can just come as guests, while thanking them for their ‘support’ so far.

Tell your ILs that you’ve decided to keep your spending to a minimum as you’re concentrating on your financial security and tell them that your plan is an intimate, handmade affair. Just change the narrative and manage their expectations. You need to shake it off and get on Pinterest and get excited about your day. It’s about you and your DP, as long as you can keep sight of that you will have a wonderful day.

If you have paid for a venue and that includes the food, that's the main thing that matters. Nobody will remember the rest. You just need an iphone for the music, and you already have the dress. You don't need anything else. I would definitely ditch the bridesmaids, totally unnecessary expense.

That said, in your shoes, I would cancel and do a fun wedding away (Vegas or elsewhere. Will cost you the same but you will get a holiday, something memorable, and not comparable to anyone elses (and you can still use your dress!). Otherwise, you are spending money on people who by the sound of it don't really care about you anyway. Go abroad, and the money is at least spent on yourself - and the people who go are the ones who actually care about you.
I had a 'big wedding' - and it's not actually that fun. You don't speak to most of the people, and you spend your time checking the logistics and hoping everyone is having a good time and nothing is going wrong.

I always remember Kate Winslet and her registry office + pub lunch wedding and thought she had the right idea. Why get into debt at the start of married life to subsidise other people?

It's your big day, nobody else's, it's all about what you and your partner want, bugger everyone else's opinions. Do what makes you happy because in the long run that's all that really matters x

OP, you say you’re already £8k down or £8k in unrecoverable costs:

1. If you carry on as you are, how much more will the day cost?
2. Did you take out any form of cancellation insurance?

If you’re already headed for five figures then it doesn’t necessarily make sense to try and cancel and then book a Vegas elopement or the like - you’ll have lost the £8k and then potentially spent another £5k on the elopement! (Also agree with some PP, Vegas specifically is Marmite…) Sit down with your fiance and figure out what you can cut down on. Now that might be bridesmaids, chopping the guestlist or ditching the expensive flowers. What really matters and what is window dressing?

At the end of the day - it’s a day. It’s a wedding but it doesn’t define the marriage.

The wedding is for you two.
You are the ones who will remember it and value it.
Do what you do - for you!

Think back: what do you really remember of weddings you went to in the past and how much did you appreciate the cost/planning etc. at the time? How important are those weddings to you now?

However, expensive, other people's weddings are all very much the same in the memories of their guests!

Remember it's not the responsibility of your family and/or friends to help plan your wedding, that is for you and your dp to do.

same with bridesmaids - once upon a time they were only required to turn up on the day, wear their dresses and follow you down the aisle.

What exactly have yo actually paid for right now ?
and is that paid for outright i.e. dress or just a deposit i.e. the venue.

It’s a day meant for the two of you. Discuss what you’d enjoy and what you want out of it. As you said people will always judge no matter what so it’s just for you to decide and if that turns out to be losing that eight grand and eloping so be it!

This is exactly why I have never bothered getting married!

My husband and I were due to have a larger wedding but covid and lockdown happened. When weddings were allowed to go ahead there were 8 of us in total, we booked our favourite restaurant afterwards and put money behind the bar for everyone. It was an intimate evening and one I'm so pleased we had over the "big" day we could have had. You must do what makes the two of you happy ... after all; it's your day.