To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

YANBU.

We were a Covid wedding. Best thing that could have happened to us! Cancelled our day with 100-odd guests and had a micro-wedding with just 13 of us in a tiny tree house in Devon. Saved us thousands, no point of comparison as it was so unique to just us. Thoroughly recommended :-)

It's not up to you to plan a wedding for anyone else but you and your husband to be. Do what suits you both and what you can afford. If that is a very small gathering of very close people so be it. You don't need to compare your day to anyone else's. The sister's wedding will be what she wants. You deserve the joy of your own special day.

Just scale it down and have a wonderful day which is all about you and your husband to be.
We lived in a small village and I handmade most things like floral buttons and my bouquet along with the flowers for the tables.
We had a small wedding in a tiny chapel then a fabulous reception in the local village hall with a folk band and dancing with hay bales and a bbq.
We managed it on a budget and people still say how lovely a day it was.
Ive never regretted not spending a fortune on it.

I also know someone who absolutely hated Las Vegas but never been myself.

Follow your gut. If the big fancy wedding isn’t feeling good (for whatever reason) then just elope!

I wish I hadn’t bothered with a big fancy wedding. A decade later the fuss all feels so pointless. And expensive. Xx

OP, a wedding is about you and your beloved making a commitment to each other, NOT about impressing or pleasing other people!

My DH and I both had the big fancy wedding first time around, because it was what was expected, and what our parents wanted us to do. Needless to say, we both ended up divorced. When we decided to marry again, the thought of going through all that rigamarole was really daunting, so we decided to go abroad, and get married, just the two of us, as all we wanted to do was commit to each other. We got chatting with a couple of other guests at the hotel after a couple of days, and ended up asking them to be our witnesses. The day was perfect! No worrying about keeping other people happy, or impressing anyone. We've now been married for 25 years, and no regrets about our small wedding.

So my advice would be step back, and think about what YOU and your FIANCE would like, and then do that, but stop wasting money in an attempt to make other people happy, this wedding is meant to be about YOU, not them!

Entertainment and dress are things you can use at a smaller wedding - venue potentially can be used for smaller wedding too depending on what the venue is like. I think a chic smaller affair would be great. All a good wedding needs is good food, nice alcohol, fun music. Flowers etc can be simple, lots of greenery is cheaper. I would say that spending a bit of money on a wedding planner might be the way to go even if you do something smaller, pulling off any wedding is hard to do on your own unless you have a particular flair for event planning - whereas a wedding planner is a professional project manager and can do it for you, might be one of those expenses that save you a lot of cost and stress in the end so that you can enjoy the process a bit more.

OR go to a nice registry office and then do a pub lunch at a gorgeous historical pub after - you can wear your dress, get your entertainment to play at the pub? Then you just lose venue deposit. Just invite close friends and family.

That's what we did. Started with a list of mainstream wedding costs and just crossed off all the things that seemed unnecessary. So no chair covers, no favours, no special car, no matching outfits for bridesmaids (I had a couple of friends whose job it was to help me on the day, but they wore whatever they chose). I also found a photographer who was starting out and needed to build their portfolio so they did it for free. Got a dress secondhand on eBay for £250 (having already seen and tried on the same dress in a shop).

I had a big wedding as i was the first out of my friends to get married. It was amazing but I have to admit practically after all my mates had got married I realised that if I was only getting married at that point I would have got small.. Then my best friend got married- registry office and then booked out a local small restaurant in its entirety. Was very simple but was honestly amazing and intimate. It cost a fraction of mine but I absolutely would have put it down as one of the best weddings I have been to. Bigger isn’t necessarily better!

I got married last week. We had 12 people. Both set of parents and both sets of siblings and our kids. If I had it my way it would have been me, dh and our kids 🤣 big weddings are overrated nowadays. Who wants to invite people to a wedding when they only bother with you for that day then you won’t talk to or see them again for years. Your situation may be different but that was the case for us and I wouldn’t have had it any other way, it was perfect. Congratulations op and good luck with whatever you choose to do xx

We eloped. It was amazing. No regrets whatsoever. Neither of us wanted a fuss/ big wedding, so neither of us had to compromise, which made it an easy decision. We used strangers as witnesses, no guests at all. We did it in a country where the marriage is legal in the U.K. as well, so we didn’t have to do a registry office wedding here. A few family members were upset but in all honesty I didn’t care as they were part of the reason we eloped in the first place. ‘Too much pressure, too much money, spur of the moment’ etc etc.

I never wanted a wedding, but it was something I had to do to start my marriage. We went abroad, just the 2 of us. I don’t regret it.

Can you see if you can get your money back for any of it so the loss is less?

By law they have to mitigate their losses by re-advertising the date. If they resell it you will get most the money back. Just an admin fee and advertising costs to be deducted.

As for the dress, wear it.

My wedding was perfect. Registry office with parents and siblings, then a meal with a handful of friends afterwards in our local pub. No gifts (we asked for donations to a local charity) and minimum stress.

You may think you want the whole big wedding thing but it doesn't sound like it's making you happy.

It’s YOUR day , stop being a people pleaser from now on
bridemaids are arsed - get rid . Just say your scaling down wedding now so don’t need you
cake - ask for smaller one ir two depending on deposit
dress - you can use
venue - cancel , if an hotel book a few nights away through the year there with the money surely they can’t keep the 8k and you get something back

I actually had a church wedding because it was tge thing to do, all my friends from work were so I felt I was wrong to not do the same
I hated it , im fairly introvert and not really a people’s person .

if you google there are lots of little places to get married, just you and dp
look at Gretna Green famous for eloping

I spent approx 2&1/2k on my wedding, if even. I got my dress from a shop closing down sale. Same with bridesmaids and flower girls. Kilt hire, eBay for the flowers- I sneeze terribly will real flowers. Made my own cake and favours etc.

We done it in our local church, £70 to the church for the ceremony and hall hire then we gave a bigger donation. We used a photography student for photos as well! No big fancy sit down dinner either, we done a buffet. Music was playlists and a huge speaker ☺️

Albeit I ltb approx 2 years later but a small and less impact on finances wedding can be done. Was it your typical insta wedding? No but it had all of the people who mattered there and we all had a great time!

God I remember how stressful it was

if you are going to lose £8K better to make use of it- you can get married just the two of you in this venue in your lovely wedding dress, for example. Maybe inviting just parents and siblings and no bridesmaids.

btw I still haven’t forgiven my maid of honour on how she didn’t help me AND let me down on my wedding day. Whereas when I was her MOH I did a lot
ugh

Ok let’s be practical

What have you spent/committed £8k on? You said venue, entertainment, dress - how much on each?

Is that amount for deposits - ie you’ll have to shell out a lot more if you stick with it? Or is that the whole cost? If it’s the whole cost, what is included?

Is the venue flexible eg could you take the money you’ve spent/committed to and spend it on a drinks party another time (a post elopement/registry party). Will the entertainment work at another, smaller venue. Dress can work wherever (you can even wear a princess dress to a registry office if you love it!!)

Basically I’m trying to see how you can have a smaller scale wedding without losing the money you’ve spent. I bet it’s possible.

Oh and sod the bridesmaids- just say due to tigher finances you’re not able to fund bridesmaids dresses but you’d love their support on the day. That’ll do.

This sounds awful. I'd cancel and reassess, where is your DP on all this? Is there cultural pressure too? I had the wedding my mum and MIL wanted. Literally not much of it was to my taste and everyone else made the decisions, it was lame. People I didn't even know were there?! I look back on the photos and think, it wasn't me at all and wish we'd eloped. Could have used the money for a house deposit! I was young and naïve. I have been to epic weddings since, one was a traditional barn style wedding and the other was in teepees. Much more personal details to the couples but it was clear they must have spent at least close to a hundred thousand on them. This is Insane?! Over commercialised what is supposed to be a beautiful occasion. News flash, it isn't about the money!

Listen I've been to loads of weddings, particularly these past 2 years. I'm in my early thirties so everyone is now getting married lol.

One thing I can say after attending all of these is that... Their ALL the same. Literally they've all blended into one. I can't tell you who had what wedding favour or what so and so flowers were. I can't remember a single table centre piece. Don't remember what deserts I ate, what side dishes were on offer or if there were any pretty seat covers.

All those details are literally forgotten about within a week of the event. I can guarantee of you were to ask the guests what the flower arrangements were for the wedding they attended last spring they probably wouldn't have a clue.

Yet these couples spend thousands on these details that literally nobody remembers and even quite often go unnoticed on the day itself.

What I do remember though is if there was banging music so I danced all night. Or if there were any arguments between people or if it was meant to be held outside but pissed down with rain.
The SOCIAL aspect is what people remember on a 'big' wedding. Is there great music, no queuing up for the bar so free flowing drinks, 85 year old aunt Maggie dancing like it's 1965 or a hot waiter going around giving out free shots.

THAT'S a fun wedding! All the decorative nonsense that costs an arm and a leg is a literal waste.

You've got the venue, got the entertainment, sorted the dress. Now just focus on the 'vibes'.

Rather than spend £££ on wedding cars and flower arrangements id be spending money on ensuring everyone gets a round of shots during on the dancefloor. Rather than a table centre piece and make up artist for bridesmaids id be hiring some dancers to come put on a show.
Rather than a 3 course sit down meal is be hiring a chippy or pizza van.

Save you a ton of money and also be a different vibe completely from standard formal meal filled with posh/fancy details. No one will then compare weddings as it'll be clearly different vibes.

People often tell me that our wedding was one of the most memorable they’ve ever been to. Dh’s cousin and partner actually planned theirs based on ours. What they said made it so memorable for them wasn’t the cost or the vendors we used (the stuff that costs money), it was how the day was planned. The way we seated people in the particular setting where we got married, the readings, the vows we wrote, the officiant (we used a humanist minister), the rituals we developed to perform during the ceremony, the music. And then how we organised the day. We planted a tree after on the grounds to honour our marriage day. Everyone put their wellies on and trucked across a field to tie ribbons on a wishing tree. We had a really good band (this is the one thing very worth spending money on!). We made it fun and made everyone feel at home. No waiting around bored for 2 hours while we took photos. No sitting through boring speeches.

You don’t need a grand Manor House. You don’t need Michelin star food (honestly couldn’t tell you what I ate now!). People love it when it’s uniquely you and really personal to you. And when it’s fun and comfortable. Not some cookie cutter out of a package same for everyone boring wedding. And that stuff doesn’t cost money (except for the band).

That's what we did 18 and a half years ago.

Fan-bloody-tastic!

5 nights in Vegas, we booked the wedding online before we went so it was all sorted and planned, took about 15 minutes to get all the arrangements in place. We had a great time, a lovely service that was meaningful to us and we remember with huge smiles.

We never wanted a wedding though, neither of us had any desire to dress up and walk down an aisle, or to have our family watch us make our vows, it held no appeal.

If you do want a wedding, then don't let your worries about comparisons take it away from you.

I know a couple who did this.
(They called in at the British Consulate in San Franciso on the way home to check it was recognised in the UK. It was!)

Big weddings are grossly over rated. They're not worth putting yourself under stress for - financial or otherwise.

Elope.

My starting point was the the marriage was important. The wedding is nice, but not as much as what comes after. We hired in the groom and best man's outfit. My dress was modest and off the shelf and we did an afternoon sit down meal (nothing in the evening). I really enjoyed it and it was not hugely expensive. Some of the best weddings I have been to have hired a church hall, a pizza van, a chip van and just got on with it. You need to take control.

Oh I think there's lots of 'unfortunate' going around here. I think romcoms and TV shows tend to set up an unrealistic expectation of how interested anyone is in planning anyone else's wedding because they make for interesting plots, less interesting in real life. The whole thing is a massive project planning, admin headache. A bit like Christmas where mum's have to put in huge amounts of work to make the day perfect and 'magical' for everyone.

It is unfortunate that SIL is planning at same time. It doesn't sound like these relatives are comparing but as you say they are massively tactless and are just prattling away about what they know about weddings which is what SIL is doing. And it's making you insecure. I think the less direct comparisons you have the better. Try and do less or different- and be absolutely explicit if asked 'oh we just don't want to spend that much on a single day we are going to simplify it and concentrate on xx '.,

You might be able to sack your bridesmaids as part of simplifying. or simplify their outfits ie give them a colour and tell them to wear something they all ready have or buy something they'd wear again. Etc.