To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Cancel the UK wedding. Book Las Vegas, get married there, have a couple of fun days then fly to Miami and the Florida Keys for a holiday. You can do that on the cheap, book hostels etc, doesn't need to be fancy in the Keys but it's warm and relaxed and just you two.

When I was backpacking I was walking along one evening in Vegas when a couple came out of the drive thru wedding venue. She had a full white dress on and a bouquet and he was in a suit, they were so happy, whooping and yelling. Really made me smile

When I was planning my wedding a million years ago I ventured into the whole wedding magazine / white dress dream and then really rejected it as not for me. I found myself drawn a lot more to the weddings featured on a website “ Off beat Bride” which featured some absolutely zany themed weddings but also sweet, DIY affairs. I tell you this only in case you are bogged down in some modern, hellscape of consumption which is what some weddings seemed to have turned into. You don’t need matching robes with your bridesmaids to get ready in or sashes on chairs or a marquee or favours or any of that. You don’t need a white dress or a fancy car. Work out the bits that are important to you and lose the rest. Registry office followed by a great pub / restaurant or an elopement or someone’s garden with dancing from a laptop. Far better to seek your authentic style than try and match or beat someone else’s idea of a good day.

Just remember comparison is the theif of joy.

Do you and it will be fine.

We got married last August, we did things very differently to friends who got married the same week as us. They did things on an absolute shoe string, it was a beautiful day and it was probably one of the best weddings inhave been a guest at.

Due to an inheritance we were able to afford our dream day. We didn't spend a bomb but we did spend about 50% more than inhad originally wanted to spend.

Mine was better because I had more money. It was just a different day. But we had different priorities to my friends.

Don't sweat the differences, just enjoy the process.

It doesn't have to be Vegas. You can do it in the UK at the local registry office and save a ton of cash.

What is it you think people want/need that you won't be providing?

The only thing I secretly judge couples for is if you're left hungry for huge swathes of the day, or if the wine rationing is so tight you're scarcely given enough to toast with.

Everything else is incidental.

It's one day which will be over in a flash.

It's cost you £8k already- as others have asked, how much more is it if you pare back all the incidentals ?

Remember, you're doing this for the marriage, not the wedding, which is just one day.

I agree and I don't want to compare, I really don't but that's why I'm considering not going ahead with it in the same way at all and doing something completely different and incomparable, where nobody can say anything of the sort. I am all for SIL having the best day ever and a wonderful do, but I'm just wondering why I'm even trying with mine when it's only ever going to be spoken about as a bench mark of comparison by most of the attendees. I know its easy to think 'well my day is for me and DH' but with that in mind I'm wondering why we aren't just doing it as us two instead. Tbh I feel like DH is the only person I want there lol.

My friend went to Las Vegas with about four friends for her wedding and loved every second of it.

My aunt and uncle found two people off the street and went to a register office. Remember its the marriage not in the wedding. Alot of expensive weddings break down. Save the money and stress and just get married t the two of you.....

Exactly OP, and why would you want to make yourself miserable with a ton of debt!

Can you do something alternative with the venue and the entertainment? Have a party just and skip the wedding party? And just do a registry office job and then invite everyone for a dance on a totally separate date. Wear your dress for both of course !

I would elope. Vegas or Gretna. Anywhere really.

Just try and claw back what you can of the £8k. It's still quite a while away so you should get a decent % of it back.

Dont throw good money after bad, and don't spend thousands inviting others when they are not supporting you.

Don’t spend money you can not afford on a wedding . DH and I also married abroad - no guests just us . In your situation though as you do have some sunk costs already I would go for a registry office

Omg yes I am bogged down by all of that! I've lost sense of whether it's me being tight or incapable or if it really isn't necessary stuff. Thank you so much for your response.

Are you naturally a planner? If not, make a list of what you need for what you envisioned your day to be
venue
church / registrar
food
decor
dress
shoes
suits
bridesmsid dresses (possibly not)
cars
flowers
music (DJ / band)
hair and makeup artist
Rings
photographer

work out your budget you can realistically save / spend (should have been done well before anything was booked but hey go, better late than never)

then allocate money to each of the above and then tick off things you’ve already booked / paid for.

I’ve had bridesmaids and been a bridesmaid, I didn’t expect mine to get involved in any planning, why would they. But yes some interest was nice. Same for being a bridesmaid.

i think it sounds like your family are letting g you down and not being interested / supportive or excited for you and the reaction to your SIL is highlighting it.
if so, scale back who you’re inviting and stop thinking you have to have huge numbers for it to be a lovely day.

I went to a pub with dh yesterday and while sitting there I just blurted out that if I got married again I’d just have the service in a church late afternoon then book a pub for the afternoon/evening and have food (pub grub buffet) and some drinks paid for as people arrive but they can buy their own after that.

we’ve been to some very expensive weddings and the fanciest ones have all ended in divorce (except for one). Instagram etc makes it seem to have to do it like a celeb but you don’t. Get married and be happy.

I don't understand. What should bridesmaids be doing as part of the planning?

Surely bridesmaids just turn up on the day in a dress and hold your bouquet for 5 minutes?

My wedding cost £5k all in, registry office, pub booked out, hog roast, wassail and a bit of prancing about, band, done.

You don't need a boutique dress or any nonsense, you can get a dress second hand or £200 on Asos, you'll only wear it for about 12 hours!

I swear I must be a boring old hag, I think this 80k wedding stuff is nonsense. Don't even start me off on hen weekends.

Some years ago DH's friend and his B2B went on holiday to Scotland got married at Gretna Green while there, didn't tell anyone except their DC/SDC at the time.

They just wanted to get married, no fuss.

Thank you lovely sorry just reading through replies from the start and seen this. You make really helpful points.

8k is loads. Don't spend anymore. It's the marriage not the wedding that counts.

We married in a beautiful European city in which we spent four days with a couple we are close friends with and their children. After that the two of us went on a 2 1/2 week cruise. £8K would comfortably have paid for a good proportion of that.

Big weddings are identikit - they all blend into each other after a while. One thing I would not have done is a 'destination' wedding (this was more like an elopement, except we told everyone shortly before we went) where others' attendance was expected.

I can plan events if I want to - big conferences etc - but a big wedding day with months or even years in the planning isn't for me. We booked dates around 3 months beforehand, worked out a travel itinerary and bought rings, a dress and holiday clothes. On arrival we found a nice florist, a hairdresser, and booked the restaurant for a meal. That was everything necessary.

It was magical, and were we to have our time again I'd do exactly the same.

Talk us through your plans op. Tell us which bits you want and which bits are you going for others?

Do you love the venue?
Do you love your dress?
Do you love the band?
Etc

What's the cost going to be on top of the £8k?

We did registry office with immediate family only, a pub meal after (booked a private room, but just chose from their normal yummy menu) and back to our flat for homemade wedding cake. We then flew to Paris for a week. That was it. Wedding "car" was a minibus driven by my brother who didn't drink, so he offered to taxi everyone around and he paid for the hire of that as our gift. We're talking nearly 30 years ago, but not including Paris, it was about £150 total as our parents paid for the pub lunch, my mum made the cake and my dad took the photos.
Honestly OP, if you're stressing about this so badly, you need to change your plans totally. You're going to make yourself ill.

I really think you have to avoid the direct comparisons between the two weddings by simply not doing a traditional wedding in the same year or close to SIL. The comparison is not coming from you so I wish people wouldn’t trot out that old chestnut “comparison is the thief of joy” because not only is it hideously saccharine but its NOT YOU DOING THE COMPARISON.

The wedding is a formal, literally ceremonial, display of wealth and social connection. SIL’s wedding shows off how connected, liked, favoured, snd wealthy she is. Your wedding does not display those qualities. The only way to avoid the comparison and the obvious social judgment costs is to avoid a one to one wedding day contrast.

WOW Wear that beautiful dress to the registry and get married. Then go on a long weekend to Paris.

Talk with your vendors. People you have paid deposits may be willing to rebook your spot and give you a refund.