To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Ok, well. It’s not up to anyone else to plan or organise your wedding. It’s your day. You and your dp, so do what you want and can afford. This might sound harsh and it’s not meant to. But seriously I can’t get worked up about family or friends wedding planning. I did my own. I expect them to do same. Why are you feeling all this pressure. Where is your partner in this. It’s his ability to pay and plan for the day as well. Not all on you. Lastly, never ever compare with another. Do what you want. If you want a big wedding then it’s up to you to pay and plan it. Stop expecting others to do it. And who cares if the sil spends more and has a bigger better do. You do you. Life is not equal, people know that. Nobody has the same house after all. Some are big, some have small, some have flats. It’s fine. You do what you want with the finances you have.

It's just one day. You have a venue, entertainment and your dress. Ditch the unhelpful bridesmaids, then you can save on their dresses/make up/whatever - if they aren't interested. If that's not really an option, keep that part really cheap (probably nobody will notice, but if they do, who really cares? They'll quickly forget). Does the cost of the venue cover food? If so, it sounds like you're done! Weddings don't have to be a big performance - I think the previous poster's point about 'making it lesser' is spot on. Just aim for simple - a celebration of your love - it's not about showing off or pleasing other people.

OP stop thinking abiut how others will perceive your wedding day. If your happy that is ALL that matters. It sounds like you do want this day but can't afford it. So take the hit now , cancel if needed but don't take out loans to fund a wedding your left paying for for years, spend that money on a holiday, house anything but not a wedding day that everyone no matter how much you do will have something negative to say about it.

Scale it back to just immediate family both sides. Ditch the entertainment and go for meal after or something cheaper. 8k is alot. Rope in anyone you can to help , dhs family may be more willing if they thought they were wanted to help out re practical organising. Just don't get in debt over it OP. Good luck!

@Calamitousness is right. Since when did bridesmaids plan a wedding for the couple?
You're adults, look at your budget, plan accordingly.

Elope , wear your lovely dress then have a party at the venue for family without the whole wedding pressure - that’s what I’d do

Elope.

we went to America. Got married out there and holidayed there for 2 weeks.

had an evening do when we came home for everyone to celebrate with us

Can you get any of the money back you’ve already spent if you cancel now?

My children got married a couple of months apart. Neither had an overly expensive one. What's important to you is different to your SiL.
DD had a registry office do so was limited to the number of people she had. She them had a meal and a larger evening do.

Work out what your priorities are and when questioned tell them that it's our wedding and we're doing it our way. If you can find a way of saying that a lot of marriages with OTT weddings don't last without implicating your SiL is going to get a divorced before the wedding is paid off.

Don’t do that Vegas isn’t great.

Can you not scale down, but make the most of what's already booked so you don't lose your deposits. Perhaps reduce bridesmaids if they aren't interested. People often say afterwards that a small, fun , genuine wedding is better than an Instagram show.
Everything that's left (flowers, cars, invites etc) keep it simple/DIY/ a bit quirky or just leave out if you can.

Thank you, it doesn't sound harsh it makes perfect sense. I think you're right, people are all different and maybe this has highlighted how the planning just isn't coming naturally to me abd for some peoppe it does and maybe a different type of wedding would be better. I love the eloping ideas on here. This thread is the first I've ever really thought another doing something different so I'm just working it all out whilst I'm reading. I don't want it to sound like I don't want someone's big do to be better than mine- it isn't that I don't want it to be it's just that I know it will be. DH is wonderful and my best friend but his female relatives are tactless and I just have these visions of them judging my day as not being up to standard, then I wonder why I'm doing it that way at all in that case and why we don't do something more low key and more us.

Also thank you so much for your replies I wasn't expecting such a quick response. I know I might sound a bit spoilt in my Op but honestly, my friends and family are quite rubbish really and I've tried to get them excited and to help me plan and they cancel or flake or just don't even reply. I love DH's sister and I'm so pleased her experience is different but it's just highlighted how my vision isn't really coming to life and I'm going to have a read through the replies and work out what resonates to help me fix it.

My friend did this we got to watch it on a link at home .

i am now divorced however from my wedding day the thing from the day was the vows we made to each other none of the other stuff

You said that Sil is lovely, can you be honest when they ask questions and say that you can’t afford the wedding that you want and that you are embarrassed? It might help them to be more diplomatic?

We eloped with the dc. I highly recommend but that doesn’t sound like your dream?
Why are your bridesmaids rubbish?
If you need a new one I love weddings 😂

This could be possible, maybe like deliberately scaling it down? I agree re bridesmaids I just don't know how to approach the topic with them but tbh I think if you're a bridesmaid ignoring the brides texts you're not really interested in being one anyway. Families are difficult to navigate aren't they!

8k and more to pay out? ... Wowza..... Ours cost about £500 all in... Been 10 years this year. No regrets spending so little.

I get you on the bridesmaid issue. I didn’t have any at all. But I think the English tradition is to fantasize that one’s bridesmaids are highly motivated, fun, energetic people who will help make the experience a social success—and who will at all events spend time helping you organize it. Sounds like yours are more passive and indifferent, like guests rather thsn cohosts.

I think you should cash out of it and elope.

That’s what I’d do in this situation too. That way it will be cheaper and more relaxed plus you can wear your dress twice!

We had a teeny wedding and it was as close to perfect as it could have been. I would speak to the venue and entertainment and see if you can get anything back- if not, work with what you have but make it your own. If yes, maybe think about an elopement or a micro wedding. There are some amazing elopement companies in Scotland- have a Google.

My second wedding was a registry office, five friends and a picnic. It cost virtually nothing and was perfect.

Won’t need bridesmaids if you elope either 😉

Just have a tiny wedding with no bridesmaids, a couple of select guests and a lovely, intimate dinner afterwards. I HATED my wedding because I was young and naive, and scared to say no to MIL and ended up having loads of things I didn't want. I regret it so much that I've never watched my wedding video, even once, and we've been very happily married for 21 years. Don't be me.

I’d just go to a registry office cut my losses and stress and sod what anyone thinks. What’s important is the nice life you have with your partner

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

She is really lovely so I am always mindful not to shut the conversation down although I have light heartedly said 'we are saving for that...' or 'yes as soon as we have paid for x I'll look at that' and it's like a greenlight for his aunt who has an opinion on every single thing anyone ever does to get louder and louder preaching about what we must do and asking the ins and outs of every detail. I reluctantly showed a photo of my cheap, handmade decorations after a grilling about what we were decorating the venue with and she just started going on about SIL's decorating company who costed thousands and it just goes over their heads about how difficult it is for us.

Venue is booked - speak to them and see of you can spend the money in a different way with them or what their cancellation policy is

Dress - can be used whatever you decide to do

Photographer - can be used whatever you do

Cars - can be used whatever you do.

If you do lose a bit of money on stuff you have already paid for I bet it's less than what you have left to spend on the stuff you haven't paid for.

Nothing to stop you 'eloping' earlier and then having a slap up meal with the people you want to be there on the original date with less pressure.

For what it's worth I think weddings as they've traditionally been for the last 20 -25 years are a bit tacky these day and groan a bit when we get a 'princess wedding' invite. It's all been done before and they are financially ruining people. I'd rather go to a meal and celebrate in the local pub than have a whole day hanging around bored witless drinking warm wine and cold food.