To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Sounds like my wedding 34 years ago. The wedding was lovely and felt really special, unfortunately the marriage was not so lovely!

I got married in Vegas! :)

I'd never been interested in blowing money on a day that felt like it was more about other people than myself.

It was all so easy to do and a lot more 'us' than any kind of ceremony over here would have been.

We originally booked over the phone for 2020 but then Covid happened and the venue we chose stopped doing weddings.

When we rebooked for 2022, we booked online for The Little Church of the West and it was about $200. I then booked my hair in for the salon in the hotel next door to ours, that was around $80. We did as much as we could for the marriage license online before we went and then got an Uber there when we arrived in Vegas, had to answer a couple of questions and sign a few things, was all very easy! Can't quite remember what this cost because my Mum paid sorry.

There was a photographer there and they did try to convince us to buy the photos afterwards which I wasn't originally interested in but I really liked a few of them so we ended up getting these for a few hundred dollars too.

We then rented a car and drove Route 66 to California for Disney and Universal, best honeymoon ever haha

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but you say you've spent £8k on the dress, venue and entertainment. The dress wouldn't be "wasted" whatever style wedding you go for - you'll still want that. A venue is likely to have several options when it comes to accommodation- I'd ask them about scaling back/ seeing if they have a smaller room available. You might lose money on the entertainment, but depending on how much notice you're giving, it shouldn't be too much. Have the wedding that YOU and your husband want. Surround yourself with people you love, and who love you.

My sister got married 1 month before me. One of ours was 5x more expensive than the others but I didn't hear any comparisons at all (and only include the 5x to illustrate they were financially different). We both enjoyed both days, we both loved our own weddings and did different things. We were each other's bridesmaids and witnesses. We also bonded over our wedding planning. If she is lovely and good at planning, maybe have a 1:1 catch up with her and say how you are feeling?
All couples are different. It is up to you to allocate funds to the different areas. Some could be forgotten completely/you might have friends who could gift their skills.
We didn't have cars/hair/make up. We did our own sweetie bar - really easy to set up yourself and leave people to it. We had a dressing up box for people to take fun photos- could make sign saying your names and wedding as a back drop?
Hen dos can be drinks/meal /home pamper/ buffet/pot luck/takeaway and no need to cost a lot.
I loved my day and had some personal touches but in hindsight would've spent less and done an even longer honeymoon or funded more weekends away/holidays for the next year etc.
Take a step back and think about what your priorities are as a couple. It really is your wedding and your marriage.

Just cancel it and elope - I know 2 couples who went to Gretna Green and 2 more who went to Vegas. These massive weddings are ridiculous and a total waste of money - I cancelled mine and used it for a house deposit.

You haven’t mentioned (although I scan read badly) if your SIL is on a much higher income than you and your husband ? If so it seems a bit weird that your wedding plans would be compared to theirs if they are high earners.

Only invite people you really love and who love you in return. Sack off your uninterested bridesmaids. They'll add nothing fun to your day. Unless you have a close sister or BFF don't bother with bridesmaids.
Honestly OP , I would cancel what I could to get refunds, and hop off somewhere with your fiance and have a private, intimate, wedding away from all the stress and negativity.
Good luck.

There's your problem right there youre so focused on everyone else the day is about what YOU want not other people it seems you're the one in competition here .
It seems utter madness to me to spend thousands on a wedding I done mine for around 3k we got married in the registry office and had a reception after with a buffet my cousin spent 24k and it was the worst wedding I've ever been to she chose a venue out of area and it was expensive ( we spent hours upon hours sat around ) so everyone was leaving by the time the evening do started because we had ran out of money there was literally 6 people left when they brought out the evening buffet and that's because they were staying at the hotel .
Do what you want and can afford sod everyone else

Going abroad just the 2 of you sounds wonderful but if you want to do it here my wedding was about 4.5 thousand. We did everything in the one venue (hotel). We used the lovely candles the venue had on the table as standard our cake was part of the hotels package and we didn't add to it. I had one bridesmaid and my regular hairdresser came and did my hair. Work out your timing so you don't need 'entertainment' to keep guests amused for long periods of photos etc. I think it's the add ons that mount up !

We did it. 2008. Chapel of the flowers. Booked ceremony (choose your own vows) limousine to collect and drop wherever, flowers, photographer all online. Bought an off the shelf dress. Ankle length with consideration of going out on the Las Vegas strip afterwards. Whole wedding cost for the online bits was £500. Live streamed to the UK party when we got home. Spent our day chilling in the hot tub evening wedding, meal overlooking the Bellagio fountains then hit the strip. Congrats everywhere we went. So chilled, so amazing. Attended a wash out stuffy rain soaked UK wedding shortly after and knew we made the right choice. It's very easy to do.

Op if you would like and by all means say no its fine ..but if you want to pm me I will gladly put you in touch with an amazing wedding planner and you can toss your ideas round with him and he will guide you and give you options. He is amazing and very talented and creative and he is free to you .. just an idea be glad to help if you want to make your ideas work for you x

Don't even try to compete, it will only lead to disappointment, there's no point comparing your big day with anyone else's. Have a tiny wedding, have 2 witnesses, and you'll be amazed at how much more special it feels and you'll remember it fondly, not to mention you won't have spent an arm and a leg on having a day that's over in a flash and not necessarily fondly remembered by you or your guests. We did this and have had so many people tell us they wish they had done and saved themselves the stress . Good luck 🍀 🤞

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning

Do you have any updates ? as it's been 3 months + since you wrote your thread.

Just remember one thing you did write ' . I can't wait to marry DH '
concentrate on that
and not the comments from his female relatives.

Get married and honeymoon abroad, just the two of you. It’s so relaxed and a gamechanger!
Sod the rest of them!

Well then, given your last setence, cancel everything you've paid for (except dress). You may get a percentage back if you give anough notice. Then have a quiet registry office wedding andca holiday.
Later, when you can afford it and the dust has long settled on the SiLs nuptials, and you've saved some money, have a blessing a 'bit of a do' for close family and friends.
No point stresing yourselves or getting into debt, particularly when your day has been effectively hijacked byDSs sister.
The point is, you both wat to marry, you love each other. That's all that matters. The fuss, expense and sheer idiocy of weddings is completely out of hand and is merely a way to land yourself in debt for one day.

Just to add, as I think I sounded abrupt, I understand why you wanted the trad route, and I'm sorry it's been a bit shit and overwhelming.
But I think beneath many of these wonderful weddings, which as a guest seem so effortless, hide similar arguments (for example, I want that tiara, not the one my future MiL has suggested), trauma and stress.
Your last post where you've decided to scale back, sounds good. You're starting a new chapter, you write it.
I hope your day is magical for you and your DH.

How did it go OP?!

Why don't you and your fiancée pick two people who are interested for witnesses and just go and do it? Save all the stress and money.

Yeah cancel the big money wasting wedding. Why throw away £ on an OTT wedding when you could put it to far better use. House deposit, house renovations, furniture, holidays, pensions. No way shd you be peeing all that £ away bcus you've been sucked into comparing yourself and wedding to some £ wasting who driven show off. Majority of the family members ableijg and abetting is shocking too. Literally pitting you against one another. Have a small private wedding of your own choice with only the people matter to you. And keep your £ for more purpose

All of this . Spend your money on a low key wedding and have a great honeymoon instead . Look after number one .

Can any of that be refunded if you cancel?

Keep the dress though!

We went to Vegas and got married. Just us and our children. We told them at the airport we were getting married - they thought it was just a holiday. We had a fab time and just told people when we got back. It was so much fun.

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I imagine the issue has been decided one way or the other as the OP was eighteen months ago and she was getting married last year!

I had a small wedding and even though the marriage didn’t work out it was perfect for both of us at the time. You don’t even have to leave the British Isles if you don’t want to, just bugger off somewhere nice and take a couple of mates or favourite family members. Find a good local pub or restaurant for the reception. The marriage matters, not the wedding.

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