To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

I think you should have a really hard think on the following:

• If she wasn't getting married after you, will you be happy with the wedding you had?

• If there were no politics involved, who would you actually invite to the wedding?

• If you lost the 8k, would you be happy to still have the small wedding at a registrar?

When I got engaged, I was planning a very small wedding with just parents and siblings, to have the event at home with some food, and even they were getting involved saying that I'm better than that, I should do this, or that. Now, we are going to get married in a registrar office just him and me and the kids, no one else.

I made one comment on the OP's thread. You repeatedly quoted my comments to engage me, which seems odd since you find me so boring.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to inform me you might still post on this thread. Do you think I'm breathlessly awaiting your pearls of wisdom?

When my DH and I got married we had nothing. The whole day was scraped together with what we could afford and what we could manage to make ourselves. We did the food, an Auntie made the cake, BIL took pictures etc.

Friends of ours married after us and spent £27k on a big elaborate wedding in a stately home, complete with the ceremony in a tower! They divorced before their 1st anniversary.

DH and I celebrated our 25th anniversary in September ❤️ it really is about you guys and not everyone else. Think hard about what would make you truly happy, screw the rest of them! Marriage is not one day plastered on social media... good luck 🙂

This is supposed to be a day of joy about you and your husband committing to each other.

Be honest with people and speak up! If the Aunts are going on, then just say that your budget is a lot less than SIL there’s no shame in having less money! Maybe half the problem is your confidence, You CAN organise this, you’ve done half already. You’re getting so caught up in assuming what everyone else thinks (& you don’t even know what they’ll think because it’s not happened, you’re creating the negativity in your own head before the event) If You and hubby 2b want a big wedding then put your big girl pants on and arrange one thing at a time. If you want a more intimate wedding and want to stop spending the do so. But whatever you decide it’s about your dreams together, so plan together, divide up the organising and stick to your budget as best you can. But most importantly do what you both want and be assertive (but not rude) with the family. Let us know what you do, good luck x

Elope elope elope!!! Honey moon/wedding. Paradise and no fuss! Great way to invest the little money you have for this event!

I really believe the whole meaning of marriage has been lost over the last 30 odd years.
It used to be about celebrating your love for each other and inviting others to share this union.
Whether it was church or registry office. Quite often the reception would be in a local hall, with a sumptuous buffet.
To see the financial stress people put themselves under nowadays is really sad.
Is it a competiveness with others, or a shameful feeling? I don't know and all great if you can easily afford it, but please remember it's about the two of you and no one else.

This is so sad. I think that some women get so caught up in their big dream day that they forget others have lives going on too. If your good friend was a good friend then even in hindsight she should reflect on the stress that you were going through at the time. Redundancy on its own is stressful enough, without the heartbreak of a miscarriage and organising your own wedding. I’d question whether it was as good a friendship as you thought. My best friend planned her wedding on her own while I was studying abroad and changed her bridesmaid dress fitting for me a few times so I could stay out of the country longer! I was a useless bridesmaid to be honest but I loved her wholeheartedly and she loved me the same and being at her big day was all that mattered to her. Chose people that support you as much as you support them ❤️

My first wedding was a big one. Lots of family and friends, gorgeous church and reception. It was wonderful, we had a great day.
20 years later, my second marriage, we went to Vegas. Just the two of us. Had a 5 day holiday and got married. It was wonderful.
The important part was the service, both were meaningful and touching.
Do what you want, then it will be special.

I've changed my user name to comment of this .

I'm getting married next month . Booked the registry office in November , cost so far £101 for ceremony 2x £42 for admin charges and intent of marriage ( equivalent of banns I think ) and £400 wedding ring having made locally bespoke. So all together £583 .
Only having 2 witnesses, no guests , haven't told anyone.
Will be no reception , just taking the 4 of us for a meal so that will be under £200.
Not bothered about wedding outfits , no real plan to go mad so something likely cheap and cheerful under £100 .
It's your day , and you can make it how it suits you not anyone else.
Yes people might be upset , but they will get over it .

Oh dear love I do feel for you.
It's not a competiton, remember your doing it for you 2 not his family.
Are they not helping you guys out a bit.
You've seen to take this on by yourself..
That's probably why D P tries and changes the subject.
He's probably sick of of it at you are.
When we were younger me DH and I was getting married the same time as his sister.
She was went all out big wedding the lot.
We went to town with 2 cousins. Went to the register office.
Got wed had a great, did the bar hoping..
Sisters wedding lasted 3 yrs.
Ours is still going strong 37 rys later.
Our middle daughter went off to get married abroad, just the 2 of them and they are still together..
Don't let all this bog you down.
Ps I remember going to his sister's house day she was getting married.
His mother said to him you could have had a wedding like this.
He said we didn't want a wedding like this because we knew she would have put sisters nose out if we made it a massive day.
That's far from the truth.. We did it because his family were a right bloody mare.

Lovely post. These are the best!, and I doubt many people would complain or suffer the predictable fall-outs having being invited to a joyous, laid-back, informal celebration like this.

Best weddings I ever went to were a couple of " Shotgun" weddings in the 1970s literally thrown together .

People can be stuffy about Gretna. We visited last year and, sentimental though it sounds, there was a palpable feeling around the place that this was somewhere people had been happy. This was where countless couples faced their future with optimism, possibly for the first time in their lives, having freed themselves from the yoke of familial obligation and restrictive customs to have the life and love that they personally chose.

It's not a romantic, fairytale Highlands castle, for sure, but it has its own unique brand of charm.

I agree. When we visited we were privileged to catch a glimpse of a wedding taking place. It certainly feels infused with happiness.

Please don't cancel your wedding. You're marrying your Husband to be not his or your family so do what's best for the two of you. If you're constantly asked about your plans just keep telling them you've both decided on a small, intimate wedding & are doing it the way you & DHTB want it. It doesn't have to be expensive if you try & do little things yourself. Look on Youtube etc for ideas & how to do things to keep costs down.

My DH and I had a scales back wedding in comparison to those of family members. But we loved it, we put most thought and money into what mattered for us, so the rings, the cake and a quirky car to get married in due to a hobby of DH. We had a lovely high tea with friends and family and later on had dinner at a restaurant that we loved with close family. Would not have changed anything about it. In the end it is just one day and most weddings I have been to, I would not remember details such as the music or decorations etc, just if I had a fun time or not

Make it about you two and not about what the family expectations are.

Our wedding cost a lot less then people think it did and this was mainly because I did a lot of it myself. We got married in a church and so had the usual costs there we had to pay for banns to be read twice once in our local church and once in the church we were to get married in. We had our reception on a farm which was beautiful lots of accommodation for guests. We spent our money on gorgeous food and a live band for entertainment.

We saved money on things like the dress I just couldn’t justify spending thousands on a dress that I would wear once when I had kids and felt that money would be better spent on them. So dress was bought in a sale and was less than £100. Cake we spoke to local cake shop they made a selection of brownies and we made a brownie stack. Car I just put out a message on a local page asking if anyone had a nice car and was available to do it. Ended up with a beautiful vintage Austin car. Bridesmaid dresses we went for a colour and then got the dresses all over to in different styles to suit the bridesmaids (everyone was happy and picked their own) all in the sale and each one was less than £30. Getting married on a weekday saved thousands (and also worked in our favour re-arranging date post Covid) we booked for a day in the school holidays, and it was cancelled due to Covid however easily shifted to the same day the following year as no competition from Saturday brides for that year. Plus it reduced our guest list and we found out who our real friends were and which members of our family were key based on who could be bothered to use a days annual leave. Bought myself a cricut machine and made all decorations/signage/favours/gifts myself. It was an autumn wedding which also saved a lot of money. Myself and my sister made all the bouquets, table arrangements and floral decorations. We used dried flowers many I picked and dried myself from my Dads garden in the summer including roses from bushes that my grandparents had bought him when they were still around. My mum made metres and metres of bunting, which we put up all over the reception room. We bought all our wine from Sainsburys at 25% for 6 bottles and paid a corkage fee which saved us about £10 a bottle. We decorated our venue mainly with stuff we already had, or stuff I'd seen at friends or family houses, for about 6 months before i was like oooh can i borrow that please.

There are ways and means of doing it for less money and how you want it. It just comes down to being really honest with yourself about what is important to you and what you think is worth the money.

Same here (although it wasn't as inexpensive as yours). I've never understood why anyone in their right mind would spend a fortune on ONE bloody day! It's the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

Because they’ve got the money and they want to.

How about a Wedding planner it will cost a bit but will be worth them stressing out not u. Get someone who has gd history that is if u must go ahead with it. Tell them yr situation & they will bring to yr attention things u hav never thought of

Just run away and elope. Get married somewhere nice abroad, just the two of you.

With my 1st marriage, we didn't exactly elope but due to exh family's expectations we cancelled the big thing and married quietly. Exh family wasn't happy so didn't come.
I remarried several years later with my DH, DC and 2 witnesses. Everyone was happy, content & we've been married a lot longer.

don't worry about other people having "fancier" weddings. make yours personal and meaningful for you as a couple.
my cousins wedding was much grander and more expensive than mine, as she and her other half are much better off than we are. but, everyone said our wedding was absolutely magical and the most unique wedding they'd been to. we had a handfasting in a stone circle, followed by the legal bit by an underground lake, and then the reception was in my mums large garden and lots of people camped over. it was SO much fun, and we had so many lovely comments about everything.
don't get me wrong, my cousins expensive wedding was lovely. especially the canapes. but I think ours was a lot more fun and different.
people don't judge weddings for how expensive they are. they just know if it was a fun day or not.

I think it sounds like you want a magical day at a venue but not a load of hassle. Don't compare yourself to anyone. My cousins all spent seven times more than I did but I'm the one who's still married.

1. Talk to the Venue. Can you scale things down so it costs less without affecting your deposit? If you're paying for 200 guests at £50 each, could you invite 50 or 100 instead without penalty? Does your venue have smaller rooms you could put your deposit towards instead? Could you have a buffet with servers rather than a silver service menu? The threat that they may lose out on the revenue should make them amenable. And have a cash bar for all drinks. And find out corkage for prosecco for the toasts/welcome drinks. Would it be cheaper to do a trip to Aldi or Asda than paying £30 a bottle for example. You also don't need a balloon arch or bows on chairs.

1. Wear your dress whatever you decide.

1. Entertainment - it's a tricky one if you paid deposits for them all. Maybe work out what you really need/want and write off the deposits for the others as this will save you money even though you lose some.