To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Don't compete with your sister where weddings are concerned. Just go ahead and marry your partner in a registry office, weekend in Vegas or even in Gretna Green. No family to satisfy and works out cheaper. You will still be legally married and it will be much cheaper and you can always chuck a party later.
Mine cost the equivalent of one week's wage in 1977 and lasted 45 years until husbands death. My friend got married 6 months later and cost £9,000 (4 years wages at the time) and they split within 8 months.

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning I really feel for you but DO NOT CANCEL YOUR WEDDING.

This day is about the two of you and you cannot please everyone so when you can't please everyone please yourself. I know it is hard but remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

No matter what people will have an opinion. If you spent a million on your wedding unfortunately there is mostly someone that didn't like the wine or the venue or your make up.

I know it's hard but block out the noise and cut your coat according to you size and have a beautiful wedding that you can afford. The pressure pushed on you is not yours to carry. Wouldn't you rather marry on a budget that allows you to go on and enjoy your life with your husband than bend to the pressure spend the day not enjoying it and be stuck with the consequences of a blown budget afterwards that could well make you regret what is supposed to be your day. When I say regret I mean the cost, obviously not marrying your husband.

They sound rather insensitive to be honest they need to step out of their bubble and read the room!

Good luck OP

I got married this year and it was lovely. Most of our budget went on food. We had 35 guests. Total budget was about £8k. I'm very happy to provide details via DM if it helps. So much feedback from guests about how relaxed and fun it was.

Go get married abroad with the two who have your best interests at heart ❤️
Enjoy it and love every minute.
Cancel everything and get refunds while you can but don't tell anyone your marrying abroad but your on holiday.

It's your life and your husband to be.

One of the loveliest weddings I went to had lots of diy personal touches. They spent a lot on the venue and meals so had no budget for entertainment and decor - they asked everyone to message them with a favourite song to dance to and used all the guests favourites to compile a playlist on spotify - it created a bit of fun guessing who had added that song. They asked everyone to bring a flower to the wedding and when we came in the bridesmaids took our flowers and used them to make the bouquets and put the remaining ones in vases on all the tables. A friend made little origami creatures for each place setting and a sibling made them a small wedding cake. It was really beautiful and I loved all the personal touches.

A cousin of mine also did a diy wedding, it was kept small so only aunts and uncles were invited from our family but she did the flowers and decor herself and actually got family and friends to do the food for a buffet main meal and had a chipper van come and give fish and chips to people later in the evening - it was apparently really fun and lovely. Another person I know didn’t bother with a wedding cake and just had loads of different flavoured muffins! Lots of ideas of ways to keep the cost down while making the day more personal to you!

Firstly why are you trying to compete with your SIL? If you’d lose £8k I don’t really understand what you’ve spent all the money on? You need to sit down and think about what’s important to you, and what you really want at your wedding. You don’t need anyone else’s help you can do this with you and your DH to be. I’d also sack off the bridesmaids you don’t need them.

in my family we had 2 large weddings a month apart one cost £10k other over £40k. Our Family was all the same all talking about the expensive wedding on the build up… until after both weddings everyone agreed they enjoyed the £10k wedding more and said the other wedding was a waste of money considering the cheaper wedding was more enjoyable and better value for money.

It's hard to swallow losing £8k plus all the time invested into what you have already done so far but if I was in your shoes, I would definitely go off with my partner and be just the two of us. Sack of the hen party unless you have some very close friends (if your family are being crap, why have them!)
We went abroad as I didn't want the hassle of seating plans or loads of people moaning if they were/weren't invited. About 20 odd of us went away and then had a party when we got back. However, if I had my time again I probably would of done it just the two of us. We have renewed vows in Vegas as well on our own. This is just about you guys and no one else. I know it's so easy for people to say things but doing it is different. I just hope you have the day you guys actually want and don't feel like you need to people please!

To the people saying don’t lose £8k, how much is left to go? Because a big wedding these days with everything food florist DJ, photographer, etc is £25k plus!

so I would cut your losses. Elope! But not to vegas. At least some gorgeous beach in the Caribbean!

This, or somewhere abroad

I work in the wedding industry - my advice to you would be to forget about absolutely every single other persons wedding except yours. What I would ask you though, is, does your day reflect your wants? So far with the 8k you have spent, could you change your plans in the venue to cover a smaller amount of people? Have an intimate day but still put to use the money you have already spent? Concentrate on you and the
perskn you love and all the reasons you are getting married, do not spend a penny to impress others, make sure your day is filled with those who make you happy and the things that make you smile. If you simply focus on that and the reasons you are getting married to your fiancé, nothing else matters, not a single thing. Utilise the money you have already spent and tone the rest down!

I've been to a few small DIY weddings and they were lovely. I've also been to huge extravagant events which were equally nice (one marriage failed fairly soon though!). Friends eloped to Vegas and had a party afterwards, we went abroad and had a honeymoon/ wedding combined.

Do what you want, don't compete with other and don't spend a fortune on one day if you don't have it (or don't want to spend it!)

Point being, as a guest there was no one particular wedding which stood out (although a miserable heavily pregnant bride wasn't the best one I've been to 😬)

I have never never ever understood why anyone wants these type of weddings. Or spend that kind of money.

Elope abroad even registry requires someone to attend as witnesses.

surely with 8 mths you can get some money back?

wear the dress or get it adjusted so less bridezilla and suitable for a simple affair.

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning two different weddings, 2 different couples. Have the wedding you two want, not anyone else.
Will you actually lose all that money or just some of it? What does your fiance say about it? Perhaps, change to very close family only, spend the rest on a honeymoon, deposit or something you both want. The wedding is not important, the marriage is.
Oh and sack off the bridesmaids.

We’ve been to Vegas, never got married but looking back, wished we’d have done it. I use to think it would be tacky before I went but there’s some really nice places over there and you would definitely have a really good time. One of the times we went we saw a group of people and they’d just got married and it looked fun. It’s a day you should enjoy, not dread. Stop trying to please these people because at the end of the day, it’s both your day and you should be happy and it doesn’t sound like any of this is making you happy.

firstly I hope you are ok x
i got married 14 years ago, me and my husband paid for it ourselves. My hubby is only child and I only have 1 sister and my parents are useless, at the time my sister had little ones on her own and we picked a venue out of our local area because we loved it. We had about 40 guests in the day which when I think about it seems like a huge amount of people but comparing myself to my friends at the time who had large families and friendship groups I felt almost embarrassed however I knew every person at my wedding, they were there for the right reasons, to celebrate ‘us’ and it was the best day of my life. I did a lot of things that I wouldn’t do now, I organised a hairdresser and makeup artist for everyone, we did trials, no one liked what the girls did so they ended up doing there own. I didn’t have a hen do neither my mum or sister were up for organising anything so I decided I didn’t want to waste my time or energy, I loved stuffing my confetti bags with a glass of wine, I used both the hair dresser and makeup artist cos they made me feel so special, I was so excited for the day. My mum or my sister didn’t come dress shopping with me, I had to practically beg them to come see me in it and thier reaction was muted I wish I hadnt bothered. I involved people who were excited for me, ok at the time I felt like it should be my nearest and dearest but it wasn’t and they missed out. My mum even asked me on the morning of my wedding if I wanted to go through with it !! I was emotional and couldn’t wait to see my other half and at that moment it felt so right and all the little things we did were for us and we loved them - I don’t recall asking anyone they thought or even cared at that point (got engaged in vegas, had a mini casino with personalised money and chocolates like casino chips) picked a fabulous band and danced the night away !!

I would carry on regardless, do what you planned to do. Not everyone has a big groups or friends to help or a big family to pay or even show any interest but me and my other half were excited together, we picked the flowers, the cake and decorations and we loved it all.

Getting married is a huge step and this is just the beginning of that story, one day that takes you into the next stage of your life - together don’t lose sight of that.

No it's not.
Your wedding is your day and your husband to be and about the love you two have for each other.
You have the wedding that you both want.
It shouldn't matter if you spend £5k or £55k or whatever someone else's cost them. It's not a competition.

I know a few people who went to Vegas or Gretna Green and had great weddings because it was what they wanted to do. All that mattered was that they got married how they wanted to because it was about their love.

Stop worrying about other people and what they think or will say and concentrate on you and your hubby to be.

To people with money maybe 🙄
My friends got married for under £10k including DJ, florists, cake and everything else that comes with a wedding

I'm not sure why you're trying to pick a fight around sexism

I'm not sure why you think sexism is something not worth picking a fight over?

People these days feel obliged to spend stupid amounts on the one day! Do what you are happy with.

DH and I married 20 years ago, and we were doing up our house so had very little cash. I borrowed a friend's dress and bought bridesmaids dresses etc in BHS in the end of year sale. I made the invitations myself. We had a church wedding then a hotel sit down meal for about 70 people, cost about £1000. Then we hired the local labour club for the evening, for 200/300 pps. We did the evening food ourselves after being quoted a minimum of £6 pp for a catered buffet - I mean, 250 x 6 is 1500 just for the cheapest option - and that was 20 years ago!!

We spent the day before cooking chicken drumsticks, making cheese and pineapple on sticks, making sandwiches (bought sliced bread and fillings from cash and carry) etc etc - and had a gap between the day do and the evening to ferry stuff from home to the evening venue! There was very little left at the end except some crisps!

I appreciate some people want a fancy dream day at whatever expense - but if that isn't your dream (and I totally agree) then there are cheaper options. You do you! Please don't worry about what others think, or comparisons that may be made - have a lovely day whatever you do and - congratulations!!!!!

I would adapt what you have to get the wedding you want. Don't try and please anyone but you and your partner.

We announced our engagement and my now SIL had a tantrum and arranged her wedding for a few months before ours. We said sod it and went abroad. We got married in a gold ballroom in a palace then had a party on a boat back home. Fabulous days.

It cost a fraction of the other family wedding and was perfect for us as it was what we wanted.

If I was you I’d get married abroad with just a handful of relatives & friends

My husband & I got married in Vegas 27 years ago (Elvis officiated, yes really) I would highly recommend it as an option, both sets of parents came plus my siblings & a Matron of Honour. It was a fabulous day & a fantastic trip. Everyone enjoyed themselves & it was a truly unique day.

Registry office with 2 witnesses - more very close friends or family. A meal at a restaurant or even pub following the ceremony. Not the 'do' that matters but the actually legal ceremony. Do not get into debt trying to match or beat SIL as its not worth it.

We got married in Thailand. Had an amazing time a few friends knew and cane too, we left after 3 days and went on a honeymoon in other close countries. Whole thing cost about £5k and we had a blast. Big
weddings are over rated. My sister had a huge do and she was divorced in 5 years.
Go somewhere you love and get hitched. It’s so easy and not having to think of others is very free-ing!