To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

We went to a registry office. Just us and 2 siblings as our witnesses. Said our vows, no exchanging of rings or anything all very simple then we went out for a family meal!. Cost us a few hundred quid.

I’ve never ‘needed’ to comment on a post before now. When I was planning my wedding (21 years ago!) lots of friends were having theirs. I was very anxious that ours wouldn’t be as flash/fun/trendy etc etc. A friend of mine said to me - your own wedding will be the best wedding you’ve ever been to if you do want you want to do. She was so right! Do not get pushed into anything. Don’t go into loads of debt. Do what you two want to do. Take no notice of what you think others want you to do.
Wishing you loads of luck.

we married just in registry office. We are forever together, it has been 12 years so far. My mother in law made some images and framed one, I was with a Primark top and black trousers

Additionally….! My sister had a disrupted second marriage due to Covid & in the end had limited numbers at the official ceremony. So she made a bit more of the legal registry office bit where she invited our parents & a couple of friends, then lunch. In the end they felt this was the best bit!

As someone who lost one of their oldest friends of over 20 years last year because she felt I wasn’t enthusiastic enough and didn’t ask her enough about her wedding plans, your posts like
think if you're a bridesmaid ignoring the brides texts you're not really interested in being one anyway.

make me so miserable. I was totally interested in being a bridesmaid, but I was undergoing a redundancy process, I was coming to terms with the realisation there would be no more “trying again” after another miscarriage and I had underestimated the trauma associated with my own wedding that being a bridesmaid unearthed.

the last contact I had with the dear friend was when she kicked my whole family out of even attending the wedding. I hand delivered a wedding card and note of well wishes on the day of her wedding to her house (knew she’d be out, didn’t want to cause drama on the day!) and I never heard from her again. I drive past her house every few days, and I look at her door and my heart hurts.

please do not lose your savings, sanity and your friends in this process. A marriage is worth it, a wedding isn’t.

For me having a marriage and a family has always been just the dream, the only one. No matter the job, the career, the living where, going where on holidays

We married, went back to the house and since then we have been a very married couple;

exactly, wedding is a show off , ok. Does it have to be??? - No.

from someone who already had the wedding they weren't really vibing with... ELOPE!!!!!!! I hated my wedding day. I honestly wish I'd have done a small registry office and a party or eloped with a party after. Save all the stress and do what makes YOU happy. It's your life, no one else's. And it sucks to regret it.

As you’ve paid for the venue, I’d have a party there and get married quietly elsewhere.

Cancel it make new plans. Forget you’ve lost 8k it will save you what the difference will be.

book a register office just the two of you or just elope. It’s not a competition or eho spends what or does what it’s a special day it’s you marrying your DP.

Hi @RubbishAtWeddingPlanning Forget having bridesmaids. Pick 15 people you want at your wedding. Get hair/make up/photographers/flowers from up and coming professionals just starting their own business. Buy an unworn second hand dress. Then do what makes it personal to you both - write your own vows, play your own music, go out to the local town afterwards.
No one else matters and you will just remember how you felt on the day and how happy you were together. Trust me.

Seems your heart isn't in your wedding anymore. Don't go through with it then. So many issues, family,bridesmaids, cost. Why don't you either postpone it or go to the registry office with two witnesses it will ease your worries and save you a fortune. Things you've already purchased can be returned or sold.

Whatever you do, don't go to Vegas. It's a shit hole! There are a million and one other places that have been suggested on this thread that don't include a city that thrives on gambling and hookers.

Cancel what you can and hopefully get some money back. Do it on your own with two witnesses. It's cheap and it will be about you two, which is what it should be. Good luck for your future together. X

Oh do your own thing OP!
We got married in a registry office, a few friends as witnesses and a takeaway after.
It was lovely!

Because this thread has nothing to do with sexism and you are being extremely boring trying to derail OP's thread. Go start your own thread about sexism, this one's about weddings. I might still post on this thread but I will not engage further with you.

Yes, just take off abroad and get married and have a lovely relaxing holiday in the sun. You'll have no stress, feel wonderful and save a lot of money. The moaners in the family will still moan and compare the two weddings but you will just smile and say, 'I wouldn't have changed it for the world, we had a wonderful wedding.'

The best wedding I ever went to (and I'm 61 so I've been to many) was a surprise.

They had invited us to see the new shed/garden room they had built at the bride's home. "And whatever else we may feel like celebrating." I interpreted that as the groom's birthday, which was a week or so away, so we took a clock for the wall of the new garden room. Invitation was for 2pm.

Well, the bride greeted us in the driveway wearing jeans, a pink hoodie and a shiny new gold wedding band. She enjoyed everyone's squeals and shrieks as they filtered in. Turns out they had been privately married in the morning with just parents and siblings present at the registry.

Beer, wine, champagne, endless platters of sandwich materials, breads, cheese, veggies/dip, pickles, olives, crisps, etc. laid out in the new garden room. Every so often her brother or someone would go in and bake another tray of pigs in blankets. Later in the afternoon some pots of chili were brought out. She had several homemade "wedding cakes" that we enjoyed off and on all afternoon. Music was via a bluetooth speaker; the bride had put together a playlist.

Job done around 7pm; happy guests left, family members helped with the clean-up and the bride and groom relaxed and finished packing for their honeymoon, departing early the next morning. I doubt the whole affair cost a thousand quid.

No one gave a shit about clothing, flowers, photography, fancy food, favours, bridesmaids and all that other folderal. She never had a hen do and he didn't have a stag. They didn't get much in the way of gifts because no one knew it was a wedding. But I can still hear the shrieks of laughter and fun that took place at that party, 20 years later. To this day she is super smug that she pulled off the surprise despite the hints in the invitation.

OP, do something out of the ordinary. Your relative's wedding will be a one-week wonder; nobody remembers those boring fancy weddings a few days later. If yours if charming, low-budget, heartfelt and (please!) doesn't suck up people's entire day, it will be a hit. I'd rather have a plate of cheese, biscuits and olives, with a couple of glasses of decent fizz, at a charming unpretentious wedding than lobster and fillet steak at some boring predictable interminable flop.

Either elope, or use the venue you have hired to have a casual, informal, charmingly unpretentious wedding. I guarantee you it will make the other one look stodgy, expensive, pretentious and obnoxious by comparison.

That sounds amazing! I would love that!

High five, I am also 61!

Just have a small wedding and do what you want! We invited around 50, only around 35 came (was a week day wedding, as it saved us thousands that we put towards ivf) but we gave people 18 months notice. I tried out loads dresses and loved the one from asos. I got dried flowers off Etsy. It was a beautiful rural country farmhouse and barn and was the perfect venue for us. We didn’t invite colleagues or cousins we didn’t really know. And we actively wanted our friends children and babies there with us. It was everything we wanted . I’m very much of the opinion of the wedding is for the couple. Do not try please everyone else.
of course, we lost some friends who didn’t bother replying but is what it is .

High five @mainecooncatonahottinroof

I forgot to say the wedding was so low budget that they invited anyone: neighbours, veterinarian staff, co-workers, shopkeepers, even the positie dropped in for a snack and to kiss the bride. It was spontaneous and inclusive and fun.

I got married in uk, didn't like the stress and pressure of everything, was upset about a few things, we booked a Groupon photographer to keep costs low and he was awful, he didn't even get a photo of my dad and I walking down aisle that kind of thing so we booked to renew vows in Vegas a year after and much preferred that day, no stress, no drama just a perfect day, plenty of fun photos to look back on, family watched online and ceremony was a fraction of the cost, if you're stressing now I'd suggest to elope unless you want all family to be there, Vegas, Cyprus etc it's something different and if I could choose again I'd just go abroad. What about Gretna or Mexico then just have a party when you get back and wear your dress again.

Best wedding I have ever been to was a really simple party with friends and family just having fun and dancing. There was a buffet, but no sit down meal. The bride didn't even wear a traditional white dress (but she looked gorgeous in an evening dress they bought online). It all felt really warm and genuine and everyone had a really good time and commented on how lovely it was.

Has Gretna Green fallen out of fashion?

I married in a register office in the early 2000s and then had a buffet in a pub afterwards. I spent about (or rather Dad did) £3k. It was lovely, but sadly the marriage didn't last. It wasn't the wedding though, it was the relationship!

Honestly, cancel it all. Take your very closest family and friends to Vegas/Scotland/your local town hall then go to the pub for dinner. Far more relaxed and intimate.

We eloped to Gibraltar for a quiet wedding. Had a big party after which my parents paid for as they'd spent lots on my sisters wedding and none on mine. Anyway, to not lose your 8k I would elope for the wedding, wear your dress you already have. Have a party at the venue you've booked with the entertained you've booked, make it a pot luck, everyone bring one dish to share. About a month before the party, give everyone a piece of cloth to start a wedding quilt. At the party you can spread the pieces out, if you're lucky you'll have someone who knows how to quilt and will put the pieces together as a wedding present. It can start conversations. Make your party memorable for crafts and the unity of people - your SIL can have the glamour.

Why don't you get married with just parents or best friends there? Everyone has opinions, but as long as you're marrying the person you love unconditionally, opinions mean nothing. Have a celebration meal at night. Just don't enter this marriage with debt you're paying off for 5 years. X