To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Oh... And you only need one or two bridesmaids in simple dresses. Mine were Debenhams evening wear ones. I got stretchy fabric so they didn't need fittings. If they're not enthusiastic then just lose them! Or go wildcard and don't have any!

And your wedding is about you being happy. If you think people are judging your wedding against others I wouldn't invite them! Make your wedding as unique as your relationship is. A wedding full of love always outstrips those that are full of money. You won't turn into Bridezilla because you won't put yourself under that stress.

We did that too!
I never wanted a big wedding. We arrived in New York on the Friday afternoon and went straight from the airport to the Municipal Building to get a license (for some reason City Hall wasn’t open for weddings at that time) and then returned first thing on the Monday for the ceremony. We only had our one year old with us so had to find a witness, the couple who’d married before us kindly agreed.

We went to Vegas, close family only, everyone paid their own tickets and stay.

We spent our money on a new kitchen that was in desperate need and we've been together 24 years.

Have the wedding you want, you might see it as the day you broke free and did what you wanted rather than a chain round your ankle. You sound like a wise lady.

Follow your heart!!!!! And the best of luck.

We got married in Vegas two years ago after 14 years together, two children and a house. We just wanted to be married and couln't deal with organising a wedding. Both families are dysfunctional and it would have been drama and moaning anyway. We went off America with the two kids and married right in the middle of the holiday. It was actually lovely, beautiful chapel and we went for an amazing meal after. We didn't tell anyone until we came back and it just felt right. His family is not happy but we don't really care. It was our day Just elope OP, I have a love memory of that holiday and a brand new kitchen!

Remember when you marry him you marry his family.

We were headed to New York for a month - doing a house swap with friends and I jokingly said ‘let’s get married out there!’ And my bf said yes!! So we did! We looked into it first. You go to the city halls office to apply for a lisence and once granted 24 hours later you have about 6 weeks from then to get wed. You just turn up on the day you want to get married, take a little ticket and wait to be called. You only need 1 witness and we asked a friend who was on a job transfer there. After we had lunch on the high line, went for a cocktail and dinner. This was 2012 and all in it was about $200 including the marriage lisence and fees. I wore a casual blue polka dot dress and hubby had shorts and T-shirt on as it was 41 degrees. We had a party back home 3 months later that cost about 2k. It was brilliant and I’d do it again!

for anyone who feels going away is selfish that’s on them. Do what you want not what others want.

I said to someone on here very recently, elope to Gretna Green. Just you two and make a holiday out of it. I see photos of beautiful weddings held in this magical place, it looks so romantic.
I’ve never understood why people want to shell out thousands of pounds on pretentious weddings.

We cancelled our wedding here and got married just us in Las Vegas.. it was amazing and obviously saved us lots of money/stress. We had a fab time in Las Vegas and I think the wedding being just us was actually very romantic.
A big wedding here really isn't worth the stress and getting into lots of debt.
Good luck x

You haven't said how much more you would have to pay if you went ahead with it. Losing 8k and having to spend another 8k - i'd lose the 8k and do something else. Cancelling with 6 months notice isn't as bad as 1 months notice as the suppliers could still fill that day with another booking.

I used to work in the wedding industry and did occasionally have a wedding that none of the guests seemed interested in and I was always so sad for the couple. It didn't happen often but it does happen. If you genuinely feel like this will be you then cancel it and do what YOU both want to do. Maybe ask the venue if you can downscale and have a ceremony and evening reception rather than a whole day thing?

The last thing you want is to spend all that money and not enjoy your day or have good memories of it. Our wedding cost about 10k all in and was the most amazing day - don't be getting in debt for something you don't really want.

I honestly think you need to have an honest conversation with your fiancé about what you both want. Planning weddings are so stressful. We had the big wedding but at a lower budget but deep down I wish I’d eloped. We’d had a dream of doing Hawaii and honeymooning there afterwards but it fell apart when my husband realised his Mum would’ve been upset.

Out of the £8k you’ve put down would any of that be refunded if you changed plans? If you still want the big day then block out other voices and do things how you want. There are many ways to have a wedding and so much stuff adds unnecessary cost. For example we didn’t bother with favours, I made some of our decorations etc. I only had two bridesmaids and looking back I wished I’d had none as neither seemed that bothered and similar to you I had to plan my own hen etc. Been married 10 years this year and honestly the most important thing is marrying your husband so my best advice would be focus on what IS important to you and cut back on what isn’t. And forget others opinions. It’s not about your families , it’s about you and your future husband. Best of luck whatever you decide

We got married 15 years ago. Register Office in nice hotel. Invited 20 people, told them there is a meal but everyone has to pay for themselves. Everyone came and did not quibble about paying for their meal. Trying to keep up with the Jonses is very weak. Fk em. Do it your way. Who gives a shite what others think. I do not understand this way of thinking. Anyone who questions you, shut them down. None of their business.

I did it, can't recommend it enough. No stress, a fab holiday, we did invite by word of mouth and only 1 person came to the Vegas bit (for completely understandable reasons).

Hun, you’re not having any positive feelings about your wedding. You absolutely hate the idea of it to the point that you don’t want to discuss it and it’s financially crippling you.

Your marriage is about you 2, not everyone else and their opinions. Do not do things you don’t want to do, and get into debt, to please others. You say your own family aren’t even bothered. That’s a recipe for disasters, tears on the day, and divorce.

Focus on what makes you and DP happy, run away, get married on the beach. You don’t need to do the ‘I need to please everyone and be the perfect superwoman’ on your wedding day out of all days!

Sending hugs 🤗

My lovely Uni friend did this 20 odd years ago 💗 her Mum had died and she didn't want a regular wedding without her there plus her DF had a new girlfriend she didnt like/didnt want at her wedding. They had a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon at sunset and a beautiful meal etc. (that might have been after the registry office marriage I'm not sure) They had a big party when they got back from their holiday/wedding and it was lovely. They didn't tell anyone what they were planning.

Vegas, New York……..
Weddings & families are really hard work, we had a huge, expensive wedding in the Uk, it was wonderful but it dawned on me afterwards that the whole thing was more for other people than it was for us. I’d go abroad if I had my time again.

I saw a poster on here this week stressing about trying to arrange a wedding for next October. FFS Weddings are as much hassle and cost as you make them.

If you’ve committed £8k then the question is is it better to cut your losses or were the deposits humongous and you should keep your slots but see about making it a smaller scale event. Fewer attendees etc. Most venues have different size rooms or will spread out tables to adjust to a smaller crowd without making the place look empty. if you get married later in the day, no need to do any evening food or just make it cheese.

Things to bin (you’ll get lots more suggestions)
Bin the bridesmaids. Or ask one to be a bridesmaid or witness as you’ll need one and DH probably has a best man lined up.
Bin wedding favours. Useless tat. I still have the personalised mini bottles of flavoured gin from a wedding 4 yrs ago. We will never drink them.
Chairs don’t need bows
Meals don’t need 5 courses or sorbets.
Tables don’t need lots of stuff. Have you asked the venue what they will/can provide?

People only remember weddings where they didn’t have to stand around hungry and bored for hours in a venue that meant they had to book a room, poor food and no booze. On the latter, if your budget is X tell people you’ll be putting a little money behind the bar to welcome people but it is a pay bar.

As for the the relatives
yours
Im really stressed about this. I’d really appreciate some help/second opinion on X

His
I’m sure SIL is going to have a wonderful day, she deserves that. DH and I would like a simpler day / are going for a different vibe / are having a less formal sort of wedding.

How many people do you actually want to invite and how many have been added on by others? Cull. Venue can only take X, new regs. or some other BS.

If £8k is going to turn into £30k when you’ve finished paying for it. Cancel and do something different if you are not feeling it.

I haven’t read the whole thread but we went to New York Christmas 2022 and got married in secret there. It was honestly the best way and I wouldn’t change a thing. Just me, husband and our daughter.

We got married at City Hall then had a photographer to take pictures around downtown New York. It was perfect and stress free.

There is nothing wrong with a small wedding. It should be about the two of you not a competition and funding a massive knees up for everyone else that you will be paying off forever.

Have a look at small all inclusive type wedding deals and make the day personal to you. You can just come back and announce you got married. If you are really wanting a larger gathering, have a party after.

I got married at 4 weeks notice when they started talking about lifting covid restrictions! Cost less that £3k for everything inc church, outfits, rings, flowers etc. I have no regrets.

You’ve got to do what is right for you. My brother’s wedding was one of the nicest I’ve ever been to. They are not short of cash, but chose to have a registry office with just family and then we all went for a curry.
We had a fairly big wedding, but in the 90s it was affordable. Focus on what you want, focus on the marriage and not the wedding. Looking back at our wedding now, we wouldn’t have invited half of those people we were just doing it out of obligation.
Have the wedding you and your partner want and don’t be pushed into what others think is right and what you should have.

I got married in Greece and there was only myself, my husband and out little boy. Go for it!

Go for looking like you want in a country church that has a hall for a reception. Hire local caterers or go to the local pub. Hire a photographer for a set time.

Oh and you don’t need a “theme” 🤦🏼‍♀️
Choose seasonal flowers. They’ll be cheaper and smell nicer.
You don’t need a fancy board to put the seating plan on. Our venue offered to do it, I said thank you and thought nothing of it. It was an A3 sheet as you walked in. Just lists of names. Boring and plain as anything. People found their names and moved on.

my Sil bless her had hers on some sort of artists easel in the shape of a pretend lute with greenery and candles and all kinds. It all had to be cleared away by the end of the evening and then collected the next day from the venue. It was the tip of the iceberg of stuff that needed collection.

life is too short imho. Or maybe I am just really lazy. I’d rather spend the money on food and drink and let the venue wash up.

It's should totally be your day and what you want only. If you can still wear the dress to a small private function that replaces your current big wedding then do so.
If your venue allows can you change it to a small intimate party for just you, parents and best friends?
If you can't cancel can you move stuff? Like the entertainment or at least get a partial refund?

Elope to marry and use the venue for a party on your return. Then you don't lose your 8k. And it won't be compared to your DH sis wedding cause it's not a wedding!

OP, if you start a new thread of ideas about how to scale back and do an 'economy' wedding that is still memorable great fun, you will get lots of practical help.

My tips:
Cut back on flowers, favours, bridesmaids, ushers, decorations, cars, photography, and all the rest of the peripheral stuff.

Cut back on free alcohol - provide a glass of bubbly for the toast, then have a paying bar.

Don't cut back on food. If necessary, shorten the day so that it is only one meal, but make it generous portions.

Make it clear on the invites that any 'evening only' guests will not get a full meal, e.g. state something like 'nibbles on arrival at 7pm' or whatever.

People will remember if they were A) hungry or cold, or B) bored from lots of waiting around as they day was too long.