To be frustrated at some parents as a volunteer?

[WitheringHeights8]

For context, I volunteer with Girlguiding and have done so for several years.

The unit I take has been on a parent rota for a few terms now due to poor volunteer recruitment and retention.

While I have had quite a few offers of help, and some who have been very supportive, why is it something that many parents still shy away from?

By that, I mean I've asked for a simple yes or no are you able to help on one night, and they've simply ignored me.

The few who have got back to say they can't help have given me understandable reasons such as childcare and work. Totally fine and I really appreciate the acknowledgement.

But to continue to ignore what would be a simple one sentence communication in many cases, has really made me question why I'm doing this.

They're happy to drop their kids off, send in a form or reply quickly when it comes to food preferences, etc.

This might just be my hormones, but I needed to vent.

Yes, but in the same way as you struggle, a lot of other people struggle to send a "no" - they'll feel (even if you've said they don't) that they need to provide some kind of reason, and will put off responding until they've got the mental energy to come up with one.

Hence the suggestion that I and another poster both made which was to put a poll in the chat, so people just need to click the "no" button rather than having to actually write the word. You wouldn't think it makes a difference, but in my experience it does.

You could even have a second group chat just for that, and change the settings so only admins (you and anyone else who organises volunteers) can post in it, so that some people don't start writing their excuses as to why they can't, which'll lead others to think they have to do similar (even though you say they don't).

What you are describing doesn't sound like a parent helper role but an assistant/leader role.

Our parent helpers don't do anything more than turn up on the night and be another pair of hands e.g. help someone cut something out with scissors, stack some chairs etc. Our parent helpers are sent a copy of the risk assessment in advance and the activity plan. We greet them, give them a brief verbal rundown about how the session will work and anything to watch out for. Our young people thank them at the end of the session and the parent gets a thank you on WhatsApp at the end when we summarise the session for parents. The parent helpers also leave with everyone else at the end, they don't help out with sweeping and shutting the hall down.

I appreciate that not all groups are run in the same way, but I'd be surprised if there were many groups where the parent helpers were being asked to plan and run an activity.

This is very well summarised, and similar to what I do with parent/carer helpers.

Some offer to help tidy up at the end, but I'm not comfortable with keeping them any longer than I'm required to for ratios.

In Girlguidng you're only required to have a background check if you help out with three sessions or more. Then there's a short safeguarding e-learning we'd also ask you to do.

Once or twice, and you're good to just turn up and go. We can't eave you unsupervised with children for the above reason, so it does make it harder for us to run a night, too.

My honest answer is that many parents are working full time, often carrying the majority of the mental load re: kids health/schooling/friendships plus domestic upkeep too.

On top of that when you're looking at guiding age you're also looking at mothers going through the worst years of perimenopause or menopause too.

They have too much already to cope with. They simply do not have the capacity.

The difference between today and 25-30 years ago is that the vast majority of families now need two incomes to sustain a home and ordinary family life. So there isn't the slack in that family's diary to add volunteering in. It's a very depressing situation for women and men, our kids, and our whole society.

I don't volunteer as I have a 6 year old son who needs looking after, also if I could get him watched my daughter would be embarrassed by me

Re: the "same names" - are they the mothers who don't work? I feel constantly guilt tripped by our PTA but I have literally zero time, unlike all the few women who do it but also have husbands with multiple six or sometimes seven figure salaries

I've rarely come across a process that is asking for a yes or no answer. Clubs and schools usually just ask for volunteers to step forward.

Kids sometimes don't like their parents coming along to their activities.

And to answer your initial question: they don't say no bluntly because it feels like an admission of failure. They want to do it, they know they should be doing it, but they literally have zero time or energy for it

The OP is not about people not volunteering, it's about the rudeness of people ignoring messages.

OP I guess just because they feel bad, or feel it's ruder to repeatedly say "no, sorry I can't" or a more truthful "no, sorry I won't"! Which would be rude I suppose :)

I often helped with Beavers but that was because I knew other parents. Increasingly now I don't because the groups that run these things seem very cliquey and closed and as though they'd rather others didn't interfere.

Myself and DH both work fill time, we have 3 children and have always volunteered in the community. At one point I was on the PTA, local board and sports coach and DH was coaching 3 teams.
We always struggled to get people to volunteer. Its ALWAYS the same people who put their hand up.
We have had to listen to complaints from parents about reduced services/groups and when we explain that it is due to a lack of volunteers and ask if they can help out, they say they cant as they work full time (as if all the other volunteers dont!).
Posters on here will always come up with excuses like maybe they are single parents with SN children, health problems, etc but for the most part people dont volunteer because they dont want the hassle and are happy for others to do it.

The lack of volunteers means the work is more onerous and eventually forces those who do volunteer to give it up. We have lost brownie and sports groups in our village because people wont volunteer to help out.

In my experience those who volunteer are the busiest people I know. Full time jobs, multiple children and volunteer in more than one organisation.

Same here.

We have lost brownie and sports groups in our village because people wont volunteer to help out.

This is the crux really, if people are happy to access these activities but not keen to volunteer that's fine, but will likely lead to groups being unable to continue and then you'll get private money spinning groups filling the gap which makes them less accessible. No one should be judged for not volunteering, but there are implications if no one bothers.

I volunteer with Scouts and almost all of our volunteers work full time and have their own children to look after. When we're volunteering every week, it's galling when parents won't even do one hour per term.

In my long experience of voluntary groups , it is always always always a handful of people doing all the work. That’s normal, but feeling it is ok to ignore your texts if they don’t want to help is a horrible modern fad, sadly.

If it’s compulsory then it’s hardly volunteering is it?

Our Beaver leader set out in very clear terms that parents weren't allowed to drop off their child unless they had first checked that there were enough adults to run the session. The sessions always ran so it was a seemingly successful method!

Even when I'm not asking for help, just providing some info, I do appreciate the parents who give my message a thumbs up or similar. Some form of interaction is appreciated.

I see you have had some good responses and suggestions now (and some not so good 😂) but just to add what our group does - after several terms of them begging parents to help they have now introduced a shared excel document with dates they need help and a space for the parents to add their own name for each date. It means my OH didn't have to get involved in a long back and forth WhatsApp conversation but was able to add his name to the volunteer list for a date he is available. He could take his time with it and didn't feel too much pressure and therefore resentment. So my vote goes to shared excel document!

I hope this term goes better for you and you manage to recruit some volunteers. It's not easy!!

Not read full thread so apologies if repeating!

I was on a rota when DS1 was in cubs, and I did it but did not enjoy it. It wasn't the children, it was more having to run around and other people seeing me doing it, or having to speak in front of the other parents and children - I don't like to stand out in a crowd and was very self conscious. (I am a bit of an introvert and undiagnosed ADHD/Autism we think - on waiting list)

Also, I had younger DS2 so would have to get him a sitter or take him with me. I liked dropping DS1 off and spend a few hours running round doing what I needed to do with DS2 in tow but was less stressful. I could go and do the weekly shop without DS1 running rings around the shopping trolley.

Also, was single parent working full time.

@LostittoBostik "Re: the "same names" - are they the mothers who don't work? I feel constantly guilt tripped by our PTA but I have literally zero time, unlike all the few women who do it but also have husbands with multiple six or sometimes seven figure salaries"

You have no time to donate something to a tombola? To spend 15 minutes helping tidy up the hall after Cubs when you're there anyway to pick up?

Something in one of your posts suggests you are looking for proper reasons for a no. And if people are getting that feeling from you, they'll ignore you rather than justify themselves.

I had to remove my DD from an activity. I paid good money but they never stopped asking for volunteers, getting very snippy about those parents that didn't. I've a shift work job and other children, I can't volunteer at this stuff, and I don't feel like I should have to justify it to anyone else. I pay my dues elsewhere.

I think this is a good approach. If people have committed to volunteer once per term / year, then don't make it easy for them to wriggle out of it. Give plenty of notice and tell them to arrange a swap if the allocated date doesn't suit

I assure you I'm asking parents for a yes or no I'm available/unavailable to the question.

I have also said that I realise for some people it isn't feasible and that's ok.

I would be interested to know which post you're talking about. You're being vague.

I think the issue is with Girlguiding is it's run by volunteers, at as low a cost as possible, with the ethos of being accessible to many.

If someone CAN give up their time, just one hour and a half once or twice a year, I don't think that's a huge ask at all for what we put into it.

People should absolutely not be getting snippy with those who don't volunteer, with or without a lot going on in their lives. I'm sorry you were treated like that.

Your attitude towards extracurricular clubs and activities as "stuff" is quite sniffy and dismissive in its own way.

But that's not enough it seems They want you to be there for 2 hours dtretches

I think you are being unreasonable. The lack of communication is a no. They might feel uncomfortable saying no. It would be better to have an opt in policy. We could do with some help please let me know if you can volunteer. That way you only have an expectation that people who can help will get involved.

Realistically, the parents pay subs, annual membership and unifirm costs to send their kids. It isn't free. They don't have to do more than that. My kids did a trial at rainbows and I honestly thought it was poorly run. I didn't realise it was run by volunteers. I actually have a degree in youth work. I would have offered to help in return for my 2 kids going for free.

Our parents just pay subs, split over 4 terms, but other units may be run differently. I'm very lax on uniform, but again, that won't be everyone's experience. I'm aware it's not free.

With regards to your degree in youth work, it really is a shame that you couldn't offer some of your expertise and experience to a poorly run group. I think you'd struggle with bargaining over subs with a charity, though.