DD wants to come home from boarding every weekend, then spends no time with us

[Hellswithbells]

First off, I understand boarding doesn't work for everyone, for DD it was her dream, she goes because she wants to train in specific sport and this is the best way for her to do so, we have asked if she still wants to board and she is adamant she does.

DD is the youngest of our 3 children, she is 13 and Y9. We live in London, the school is between 1.5 and 2 hours away depending on traffic. The school allows parents to collect from half 1 on a Saturday and they have to be dropped back off before 6 if having dinner at school or 7.30 if not having dinner at school. In Y7 and 8 DD would come home every other weekend, either DH or I would drive to get her and the other would take her back. She spent most of the Sunday at home and it was lovely having her back.

This year DD asked to come home every weekend, we said yes as obviously we love having her at home and miss her when she isn't around.

However, now we get back to London around 3.30, immediately she goes out to meet friends. Her curfew is 8pm right now and she is never back a second before then, she will make her self pasta when she gets in. Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am, goes out at 10, gets home at 4 and we need to leave at 5ish to be back on time and get food on the way. This means other than a movie on Saturday nights we don't actually see her but do 6-8 hours of driving.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome. Obviously that isn't the case I love having DD at home but we don't see her when she is!

AIBU?

Is it that her friends at boarding school also go home at weekends? I understand the commute is tedious, but my experience of teenagers is that they do prefer their friends over time with parents, but perhaps that feeling of being home with less restrictions is the comfort she is looking for?

YABU. Personally I think you’re mad to send your child to boarding school in the first place.

She’s 13. Maybe she misses her friends? And wants the security of both home and friends at the weekend?

Some of her friends go home not all though.

She has loads of friends at boarding, at least some of them stay all weekend. She only meets up with the same 2 girls every week who she went to prep with.

Perhaps she's in that in-between stage, she wants to be home, but doesn't want to miss out on fun with friends. Can you talk to her and explain that if she comes home, you would like some quality time with her? Perhaps work out an agreement to suit you both?

I don't want to sound mean but my honest impression is that unless you ate very careful, you will lose your bond.
Teenage years are a time when parents are pushed away, not cool etc. Yet as other wise posters have said, this is normal and you probably get it x10 because she is away.
It really sounds like you need some honest, fun and bonding times with your daughter.
I would insist also that she comes home

YABU she's a teenager. If she wasn't at boarding school she'd be wanting to go out all weekend too! It's time to let her develop more independence. You've chosen not to see her most of the time during term time whether it's her dream or not, it's your choice. Making her spend weekends at school too when she wants to be home and seeing her friends is just spiteful. What kind of relationship do you want to have with her? Why would you think pushing her away because she's spreading her teenage wings is a good idea?

Normal for a kid to want to spend time with her friends.

You have less parenting to do during the week, welcoming dd home at weekend is the least you can do.

Is she too young to get a train home and back (if there are trains nearby)?

School don't allow this, they need to be picked up by a parent and signed out.

You have all that time in the car to chat.

I don't think criticising the fact that OPs DD is at boarding school is fair. We don't know the circumstances and DD is obviously happy with this. OP has 2 other children to cater to, and is, in my opinion struggling to balance everyone's needs. From an outside perspective it's easy to judge a situation, but teenage girls can be particularly tricky, and I'm sure OP is doing the best she can. We all feel guilty at times, and OP must be feeling this too - hence the post. I think communication is key, perhaps DD doesn't realise how the situation is affecting everyone, so a bit of sacrifice on both sides may be the way forward. X

YABU. Being happy to do lifts for your daughter only when she wants to see you is really conditional and if you say you won't do it unless she spends time with you is potentially really harmful to your relationship with her just at a time in her life when she needs to know that the things you do for her don't come with strings attached. Either you're happy to do the lifts or you're not. Your other kids get you through the week, it's surely not much to ask you to be there for her at the weekends. The car journeys themselves must do masses for her relationship with whoever is doing the lifts. Please focus on what is important here, not on what you want.

Being a taxi is a huge part of a parent's role in regards to teens.

That drive IS quality time. It is time for her to share her worries if she has them and a valuable insight into her wellbeing. It is time to observe her and make sure she is okay.

Her having a thriving social life, being confident, and also successful at her sport is an achievement and speaks to her being well adjusted.

Your other children shouldn't suffer, however. So I would be alternating who goes to pick her up so you have quality time with each child on rotation.

I spent some of my childhood on an island and the children all boarded for high school out of necessity. Some of them thrived and loved it, so PP can't say it is madness for ALL children.

Interestingly I would say the ones who loved boarding are all the ones who are in highly successful careers now. Money and education isn't the only metric for success and happiness is incredibly important, but I do find it fascinating.

I understand where you’re coming from, but to a teen there is a risk that what you’re saying will translate as “we’re OK with the inconvenience of taking and collecting you if you spend the weekend doing what WE want, but not for you to do what YOU want”.

13 is a funny time for hormones, and obviously seeing her prep school friends is important for her feeling of self and “belonging” right now. This won’t last forever.

With regards to maintaining a relationship with you and her dad, driving is a good way to do this with teens - chatting side on ( rather than face to face) is less intense and therefore easier for them at a time when it sometimes feels like their communication skills are regressing.

Honestly, there was another thread where the mum couldn’t understand why her DC went no contact despite barely seeing them. I would suck it up, it’s tiring but it’s a few years and the main thing is you see her every week, she’s happy in boarding but she is still home on weekends even if you don’t see enough of her.

Why not book a family dinner/lunch in occasionally. Say once every other week to make sure you are still getting some quality time. I would strongly suggest you don’t suggest coming home every other week, that would be the worst thing you can do. It’ll be saying to her it’s too much hassle and she’ll read that as you can’t be arsed to go collect her.

Also many a parent barely sees their teens it’s normal, but grab whatever time you can get out of her now. It will pay off in the long term, she’ll feel loved and wanted and you will keep the bond.

How do you have this conversation:

"DD we only want to do the driving if you hang out with us." Yikes! Or "DD we just want to see you every two weeks from now on." Also yikes.

I don't think there is a way to do this that isn't either rejecting or transactional. Both damaging. And if you find a better way to say it, it's both of those plus gaslighting or manipulative.

You made choices for her. They weren't choices I would have made but you made them. Now she's making choices for herself. To see the friends she wants, sleep in her own bed, best of both worlds.

Sporty teens usually have matches to play at weekends and parents have to drive them to and from games and practise sessions etc.
With 3 sporty children, being a full-time weekend taxi is the norm for a few years.

I think it would be wrong to pull her out of her school now unless she wants to come home for good. But I think it would also be wrong to deny her coming home whenever she is allowed to. You might get away with asking her to stay in school the occasional weekend if you give her plenty of warning but other than that I think you have to find other ways around this inconvenience -like paying for a driver to collect her or at least to deliver her back on the Sunday evening.

I went to boarding school. I think you’re underestimating the feeling of having your parent drive and collect you and being reminded you’re a priority. I think you’re dismissing family movie night, the feeling of a childhood bedroom, breakfast with brothers and all the rest. Her brothers are probably at sports during the day or busy so it goes both ways. She’s getting incidental time with you and that’s comforting. I think it’s deeper than the hours spent together - the act of driving and including her in weekends is significant. Do you chat on the phone during the week or write letters ? If you don’t that’s okay but everyone shows their love and bonds in different ways & maybe the movie night and a car trip is what she needs. Maybe the fact that the door is always open is what she needs.

I wonder if there’s a boy or reason you haven’t considered as to why she’s constantly out.

This 100%

13 year olds don’t usually just come and go as they please. Why don’t you tell her you miss spending time with her and negotiate say once a month to do something together as a family on the Saturday afternoon or Sunday.

13 is old enough to take the train home by herself. The problem here is the school not allowing it. I can see that they're covering their arses but it's annoying for you.

Are the children allowed to go to friends' houses, if you give permission? If so, I would see if you could maybe ask the parent of a friend also going home to sign your DD out and drop her at the nearest station, if it wouldn't take them out of their way.

If you picked up, could she take the train back to school?

I’m a bit surprised your proposed solution is to say she can come home less rather than thinking up some ways to tempt her to spends time with you?

Where is she out to with these friends. My daughter is the same age and spends her weekends similarly friend focussed but they spend a lot of time in one or others houses. So I do get to see her (and get the low down from her loose lipped pals). I really enjoy a chat when feeding them and laughing at their latest stories.