DD wants to come home from boarding every weekend, then spends no time with us

[Hellswithbells]

First off, I understand boarding doesn't work for everyone, for DD it was her dream, she goes because she wants to train in specific sport and this is the best way for her to do so, we have asked if she still wants to board and she is adamant she does.

DD is the youngest of our 3 children, she is 13 and Y9. We live in London, the school is between 1.5 and 2 hours away depending on traffic. The school allows parents to collect from half 1 on a Saturday and they have to be dropped back off before 6 if having dinner at school or 7.30 if not having dinner at school. In Y7 and 8 DD would come home every other weekend, either DH or I would drive to get her and the other would take her back. She spent most of the Sunday at home and it was lovely having her back.

This year DD asked to come home every weekend, we said yes as obviously we love having her at home and miss her when she isn't around.

However, now we get back to London around 3.30, immediately she goes out to meet friends. Her curfew is 8pm right now and she is never back a second before then, she will make her self pasta when she gets in. Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am, goes out at 10, gets home at 4 and we need to leave at 5ish to be back on time and get food on the way. This means other than a movie on Saturday nights we don't actually see her but do 6-8 hours of driving.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome. Obviously that isn't the case I love having DD at home but we don't see her when she is!

AIBU?

Maybe they spend time at one of the friend's houses.

When I was that age I stayed at my friend's house all weekend, every weekend. I feel terrible now when I think about but I was selfish and just wanted to gave fun with my friend all the time.

She doesn't get picked up until 1pm Saturday

Her boarding school is only 1.5 hours drive away so can't she get the train home and you pick her up from the train station?

Although it sounds like she'd prefer to stay home and hang around with friends near home. Take her out of boarding school.

It would be quite rejecting to stop your dd from coming home at weekends, regardless of how she spends her time.

The OP has stated in a subsequent post that DD needs to be signed out by a parent

Could it be that her school friends aren’t around at weekends? Where I live weekly boarding is the norm (for boarders). The only kids left behind at weekends are the international students.

I wouldn’t discourage her from maintaining friendships at home, boarding school will end at some point. You could ask that she keeps one weekend in three exclusively for family time.

She sounds like a perfectly normal teenager and if you choose to send her to a boarding school 2 hours away then you have to be committed to the drive to get her home. I went to boarding school, I loved it but I also needed time away to decompress.

Can you lift share with friends or are their public transport options?

I would put in a condition. Every weekend is fine but you will all have Sunday lunch together.

Sorry, just saw the bit about school needing a parent to sign them out. That's a bit bonkers at 13. Can you speak to the school if buses/trains are an option for at least part of the journey?

Surely it’s very very normal for a 13 year old child to have be to home for dinner? I can’t think of any families where such a young teen is a routinely out with friends until that time then making their own dinner when they get home. She’s not 16.

I would ask her to be home by 730 for family dinner. You could also have family brunch on Sunday morning.

The car trip can’t really be onerous it sounds like the sort of time we spend in the car spread through the week.

This is surely short term as if she’s dedicated enough to a sport to require a specialised school she’ll presumably be ramping up training and performance commitments soon and won’t have weekends free.

I assume at 13 you know (broadly) what your DD is doing, where she is while she's with her London friends? And why these friends can't sometimes be at your house instead of elsewhere.

I don't understand why the Saturday curfew is later than dinner time, surely most 13 year olds are expected to be home for dinner?

I went to boarding school and I agree with pp that the relationships we have with parents, especially in teens and early adulthood can be different to others, but that doesn't mean parents forget to parent when they're in charge.

If many at the school go home every weekend then I think it's fine. But if most stay in then she will be missing out on some of the social benefits of boarding while being very intense with these 2 girls in London.

Some pp are saying it's normal for teens but there are some aspects of this I'd be worried about. It is a difficult situation though because if you say she has to stay in school the narrative becomes that you don't want her at home.
If and when you do discuss with her do not talk about how it inconveniences you, focus is entirely on her wellbeing and happiness, subject to normal parent boundaries of 13 year olds

This doesn't make any sense. When does she compete? If she's there training for a sport then surely she's not free every weekend? DD also trains for sport, 5 times a week on and we have two free weekends between now and April. Has she been dropped from the team and this is her way of dealing with it?

I very much doubt it needs to be her parent who has to sign her out, it's quite common for boarding children to go home with others, and for the other child's parent to be allowed to sign them out (as long as parent has confirmed they know about it). Insisting she stays at school because you can't be bothered to get her will destroy what relationship you do have. All she will see is you ferrying her brothers around and not being willing to do the same for her.

Why don't you suggest, next time the weather is bad, that she and her friends do something at yours?

It might be next to impossible as she already has an 8pm curfew (why so late?) but can you change it to 7? Or wait until she's home to all eat together?

You are unreasonable to send your daughter away. How can sports be a justification to banish your child from the home. There have been three posts in 3 days about girls abandoning their parents after going to boarding school for ‘sports’. Seriously strange they keep coming up, given boarding school is so incredibly niche. Sports are a hobby, not the fabric of life. What the hell is going on!?

Would it be possible for her to get a train home by herself occasionally? Could you compromise with her and organise a couple of hours every weekend or every other weekend where you spend quality time with her? Take her for a nice meal, cinema, get your nails done together if she’s into that? Is there another family member that could occasionally pick her up?

OP, I'd feel like you but YAB a bit U. She's behaving like a normal teen, treating home as her base, while she explores the world. To say you'll only bother with the drive if she does what you want at weekends would be unfair, especially if it meant just sitting in cars while you ferry other DC to sports fixtures. Can you compromise and say she needs to be around every other Sunday for some quality time, but extend her Saturday curfew to 9pm?

I'd phrase it more that you want to do stuff with her. Book dinner or cinema tickets on Ssturdays so she has to go home earlier etc. But discuss it all with her, without sounding hurt or annoyed.

I think your options are a bit extreme. I know she’s 13 and this might go down like a lead balloon but have / could you try talking to her and just say you really miss spending time with her and arrange a fun day out / activity with her once a month to do as a family?

If you’re all just at home in between being a taxi for the other children over the weekend she maybe feels like she isn’t really missing anything by being at home.

Why should she sacrifice her weekends to spend time with a family who don't care if they only see her once every 2 weeks?

This. You don't see her all week..this is a really important time to develop a strong bond between her. You are just going to have to get on with it and make the commute work. It's not that far. Could you stop for coffee on the way home and catchup then. And do something on the way back on a Sunday ? You do one drive and dh does the other ? The car is a great place to get teenagers talking. In a few years she might not want to come home at all. It's also good that she has a good friendship group out of school I don't know why you would discourage this.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

Why are you happy to act like a chauffeur for your sons who are also busy all weekend but aren’t happy to pick up your dd and drop her back to school?

She sounds lovely and independent, making herself dinner.

Girl children don’t exist to be company for their parents.

Friendships are so important, I can't understand why you would want to discourage them.
That she has maintained these friends since prep, whilst a significant distance away, is amazing.
If her coming home and seeing these friends is her way of coping with the pressure of boarding school, then I would be encouraging it, not trying to curtail it.

Why don't you ask her? If she is happy boarding generally, perhaps she will accept and agree that bi-monthly visits home are an acceptable compromise. If she is more unhappy at school than you currently know, then she might leap at the opportunity to attend a local day school and you can all move on with your lives. You and DH can also take an extra holiday with the fees saved!!

What a strange post. Given it was DD’s own choice to go to boarding school and she’s adamant about boarding, how do you think any of this helps OP ?

unbelievable… because your 13 yo doesn’t want to spend her limited time seeing you, you are going to reduce the time she’s allowed at home. Horrible.

I think you actually need to have a discussion with the school about allowing dd to catch a train. It's daft that a 13 year old isn't allowed to do this. I understand that they don't want children randomly leaving the school but it wouldn't be hard to set up a permission system. Even if you paid for a taxi to the nearest station.
I went to boarding school and at 11 you were allowed to take the train into London as long as you were being collected at the main station.

YABU on many levels.

Most teenagers want their mates more than their parents. It's part of becoming independent. Luckily as they get older they start to appreciate home more.

The very fact that she wants to come home every weekend rather than spend time with her school mates shows she still values you and home life (part of which is those prep school relationships). Saying she can only come home if she spends more time with you is pretty much emotional blackmail.

You say your weekends are pretty much a taxi service. That's life as a parent of teenagers.

You chose to send her to a school that far away - it's a bit rich to then complain about the commute.

Value the car journeys and a meal on the way as your bonding time together. This time will be fleeting. All too soon she will be grown up and off your hands.